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I want to thank those of you who are suffering persecution because of your willingness to consider alternative theories of evolution. You see, I am among the many who have discovered that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

I request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I'm sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don't understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

You now must realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we do not.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. A graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years is available upon request. You will be able to see a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature that is irrefutable.

Thank you for your diligent efforts, born I'm sure only out of a concern for the well-being of our children, who are after all our future. Your open-mindedness is stunning and absolutely inspiring.

In faith and solidarity, Ilya Wick

• On the street: Are you familiar with the Flying Spaghetti Monster theory?
• Evolution debate creates monster
• Venganza.org

Open letter and e-mails supporting the theory

• Open letter to Kansas School Board
• Support for both Intelligent Design and Flying Spaghetti Monsterism
• Convert to Flying Spaghetti Monster
• Impressed
• Intelligent Design decision boon to other states
• Hope for intelligent response
• Be fair about theories
• Teach all theories of Intelligent Design
• A Concerned Citizen
• The Flying Spaghetti Monster didn't create the earth
• Response requested for Flying Spaghetti Monster Theory
• Flying Spaghetti Monster created us all
• Students should hear more than one theory of Intelligent Design
• Expose students to different ideas

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