Expose students to different ideas

Dear Kansas State Department of Education Board Members,

I am ecstatic to see that you approved the new scientific standards that are critical of evolution. I too, am critical of evolution as I am a wholehearted believer in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Now you have paved the way for the FSM saints to teach our religion in your schools. Thank you, Flying Spaghetti Monster, thank you.

I embrace the words of our President, when he told a group of Texas reporters: “I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought,” Mr. Bush said. “You’re asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes.”

Please expose our students to different ideas. Please encourage students to go to sites such as: www.verganza.org, www.paulreveresociety.com, www.jackassthemovie.com/, www.godhatesfags.com/main/, www.lds-mormon.com, www.aljazeera.com, www.marilynmanson.com/, www.filmstripinternational.com/, www.moveon.org, http://antiwar.com/roberts/?articleid=2475, www.isn.org/, www.michiganmilitia.com/, www.militiaofmontana.com/, clearwisdom.net/emh/articles/2001/5/11/9495.html, www.needlenose.com/pMachineFree2.2.1/weblog.php?id=P349, and many, many more. We need to challenge our students with a variety of ideas that question religion, science, social customs, political administrations from all parties, law enforcement, other governments, and more.

(For the record, I do not personally endorse any of these Web Sites that I listed, I found them via randomized www.google.com searches to illustrate my point.)

God forbid, what if the Mormons are right about their version of history with the Tribes of Israel? What if the militiamen are right about their political beliefs? What if Marilyn Manson and/or Larry Flynt are right about religion and censorship? What if George Soros’ opinions about the Bush Administration turn out to be true? What if Warren Jeffs’ Fundamentalist LDS is correct about plural marriage, sex with 14-year old girls, abuses of government money, or interracial marriage?

Thankfully, you can now teach all of these viewpoints, even though the majorities of the mainstream communities (that are relative to these topics) do not agree with any of these viewpoints. Who cares if the Catholics or Baptists do not agree with Warren Jeffs, right?

You have just smashed the Great Wall of censorship, and are now free to hire Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy to teach sex education courses. I guarantee you, if your students spend enough time with those two actors, Kansas students will definitely question at least a few “mainstream” theories.

Abstinence

Now that you have received plenty of e-mails from my Flying Spaghetti Monster hermanos y hermanas, I hope that you can join me in my abstinence against evolution. Not all of my FSM brothers and sisters are abstinent in this manner, but if you think it is right to force thousands – if not millions – of students to question evolution, it is only fair for you to question it across all walks of life.

If your god’s way is not evolution, then evolution is not God’s way. I know that my FSM amigos will not only agree to this, The Great Ball of Noodles will punish me if I do not abide by it.

Therefore, purchasing consumer goods that are based on this unnoodlish theory of evolution must be celebrating a heathen – dare I say Golden Calf-like – belief.

Don’t sin against your god, or my Flying Spaghetti Monster. Do not purchase any products such as: genetically engineered foods, vaccines, stem cell treatments, transplant organs, or any of this foolishness.

So once again, I thank you for your decision. I look forward to the great diversification of your education system and wholeheartedly encourage you to expand the school year to 365 days per year to fit all of these topics into your newly crammed schedule.

I know that all of the groups mentioned in this e-mail will never bring their attorneys to raid your coffers because you will always comply with their requests to teach their theories that question our societal norms. Let’s smash the word “precedent” to bits!!!

Trust in the FSM, for he will show you the meatball that explains our entire existence,

Sincerely,

Tom Foolery

(I acknowledge that this is not my “mainstream” name, but I have begun to question my “legal” or “mainstream” name thanks to a mind-bending Web Site dedicated to another all-knowing prophet: Hunter S. Thompson’s www.gonzo.org. That is why I did not use my “mainstream” name while writing the e-mail from this friend’s e-mail account. I hope all of your students are brave enough to do the same, which may require you to request legal names on all documentation if you choose to oppress their open minds.

I do not necessarily endorse any opinions, statements, schenanigans, orientations, dance steps — with or without the polka–, skateboarding tricks, unnatural or natural behaviors, morals or ethics mentioned in this e-mail as I am currently questioning all of those as well.

I also do not grant you the ability to publish this correspondence in any form, sound, or image until the year of 2099 A.D.

I do welcome your reply to this e-mail, if your tired eyes have gotten this far.)

Open letter and e-mails supporting the theory