That poor horse Dewey Bunnell, a band member of America, rode through the desert in 1971. It had no name. Makes me sad to think that horse is dead now with no name engraved on its tombstone.

Thankfully, every horse ever to run in the Kentucky Derby had a name, and the best was Secretariat, supposedly named for Elizabeth Ham, the executive secretary of Meadow Stable owner Christopher Chenery. Good thing it wasn’t named today or it would have been called “Administrative Assistantat.”

A stab at how some of today’s Kentucky Derby horses might have gotten their handles:

1) Archarcharch: Named in honor of a former baseball player known for checking his swing. He checked his sneeze three times and keeled over before the “oo” ever came out.

3) Twice The Appeal: Named after the Morris twins, Marcus and Markieff.

5) Decisive Moment: Named at the last minute to capture the key to Kansas having the final piece it needs to hunt the Final Four. If visiting Trevor Lacey, the shooting guard from Alabama, has a moment today in which he decides he wants to be on the receiving end of Tyshawn Taylor’s assists as 16,300 basketball-crazed spectators roar their approval, rack up another Big 12 title for the Jayhawks.

A 6-foot-3 shooter with deep, deep range, Lacey is a perfect fit for Kansas, provided he feels comfortable instantly becoming a high-volume shooter, a 30-minutes-per game performer and isn’t afraid to let it fly from really, really deep.

The departures of Tyrel Reed and Brady Morningstar will make it too tempting for opposing defenses to collapse on the post players and block the path of perimeter players slashing to the hoop.

If Lacey would rather ease into his college career as a secondary player, he’s not the man for the job. Kansas needs a shooter ready to star right out of the gate.

7) Pants on Fire: Red-headed Rosie Napravnik will try to become the first female jockey to win the Kentucky Derby. Those who insist she is a look-alike to siren Julianne Moore need a new prescription, but Napravnik does bring a great deal more glamour to the job than the average jockey. As for how Pants on Fire, the horse she’ll ride in today’s Derby, was given its handle, that’s a tough one. The only thing I can think of is the horse named itself.

8) Dialed In: Named after former Oklahoma basketball coach Kelvin Sampson.

13) Mucho Macho Man: It’s fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A. Hey!

18) Uncle Mo: Inspired by the Kansas basketball team’s performance in the final 2 minutes and 12 seconds of regulation, during which KU overcame a nine-point deficit and left nobody doubting which team would defeat Memphis in overtime.

20) Watch Me Go: Named in honor of all the golfers on Lawrence’s five courses who think they are hidden from view when they stand behind a tree. Little do they know everyone can see them, whether they want to or not. In most cases it’s the latter, Mr. Weak Bladder.