Final Four news conferences are piped across the nation on television, so more than just the players need to be at the tops of their games.

Don’t count on it. A guide for Kansas University basketball coach Bill Self on how to answer questions that could surface this weekend in San Antonio:

Coach, As you know, North Carolina loves to get up and down the court in a hurry. Do you plan to run with the Tar Heels or are you going to try to frustrate them by slowing it down?

“Actually, even though we have five fast players on the court at all times, and even though we went 35-3, gained a share of the Big 12 title, and defeated Texas in the Big 12 tournament title game, we’re going to spend the week walking away from who we are as a team. We’re going to walk the ball up the floor, because we think our 35-3 record is a mirage. We’re going to run the weave for 25 seconds of the 35-second shot clock and then try to score.”

Thanks, coach.

Coach, as you know, the Oklahoma State job is vacant and you have a little history there. Any interest in the job?

“Yes, and I’m going to tell you that right here and now on national TV so that my players who I have put through rigorous practices feel as if they don’t mean anything to me. I’m going to tell you I’m interested in seeing how much money I can pry out of Boone Pickens, and thereby help everyone in the coaching profession by changing the going rate for a Final Four coach. I’m going to tell you I’m interested so that all the attention centers on my future, instead of living in the moment, the greatest moment of my career and my players’ careers. Never mind that I already brushed off that whole question masterfully Tuesday. I was just waiting for you to ask me the question, so I could give my real answer.”

Coach, talk about …

“Stop right there. Nobody tells me what to talk about. Now, if you have a question, I’d be more than happy to answer it. But don’t tell me what to talk about. I guess I’m asking you to do a little of the work yourself, instead of being so lazy as to just tell me to talk about something.”

Self won’t be the only one asked questions that have nothing to do with the games that will be played in the deepest Final Four in history, the only one with four No. 1 seeds. Count on Memphis point guard Derrick Rose getting a few beauties sent his way.

Derrick, have you given any thought to whether you will declare yourself eligible for the NBA Draft?

“No, none whatsoever. I’m No. 2 on everybody’s draft list, which would bring me a cool $4 million during my rookie season, but no, I haven’t thought about it at all. Why would I want to earn $4 million a year when I can return to Memphis and let my coach earn the millions while I play for room, board, tuition and books?”

The worst questions Final Four participants will answer during the weekend won’t come from reporters, rather from “friends.”

“We go way back. Don’t tell me you have forgotten where you came from. Can you get me a ticket?”

I’ve got your ticket. Right here!