When Herr Editor asked me if I’d prepare a few words about where to go in Lawrence, I got quite excited. Finally, a chance to use some of that unofficial knowledge I picked up in my six years of college. I, of course, know the most exciting places in Lawrence and I’d love to tell you about both of them.

But I got to thinking about it, and you don’t need a guidebook. You’ll find your own places, your own bars and coffee shops, your own private Idaho’s — no, it is easy to find some PLACE to be in Lawrence. The trick, my friends, is finding something to DO. While Lawrence is a fantastic town to simply exist in, finding a way to constantly and consistently keep busy and make a general nuisance of yourself can be daunting — which is why I have prepared a few ideas for you here.

Please do not consider this a comprehensive road map, as it is up to you to find your true inner pain in the ass. I provide here merely a signpost or two along the way to finding your own Thing(s) to Do in Lawrence.

10) Start a band.

As you’ll soon discover, everyone in Lawrence is in a band. There is no reason why you should be any different. Don’t worry if you don’t play an instrument; most band members don’t anyway. All you have to do is think of an instrument you could play, think of an unlikely name like Candid Pig Death or The Hefners, and think of five random genres of music you like, and pow — instant conversation:

Cute Party Person: What do you do?

You: I’m a bitchin’ cowbell player. I’m in a band. We’re called Diseased Sausage Wasteland. We’re sort of a punk-jazz-reggae-country-hip hop fusion group.

Cute Party Person: When’s your next gig?

You: We don’t play gigs. Strictly studio.

And with that, you’re in. Don’t forget to get the T-shirts made — even if you never play a song. And if you don’t feel that you’re cool enough to start a band, start something even more pointless, like a theater company.

See? Slacking can be fun.

9) Bourgeois Pig/Z’s.

Two of my favorite coffee shops, the Bourgeois Pig and Z’s, sit right next to each other off Ninth and Massachusetts streets. They are literally side-by-side, separated only by an alleyway. For some mid-afternoon fun, go up to the counter at Z’s and tell them the person at the counter at Bourgeois Pig was talking mad smack on them. Get them nice and enraged. Then go over to the Bourgeois Pig and tell them Z’s said the same thing. Go back and forth, fanning the flames of hatred you’ve worked so hard to alight. Try to get the customers involved. Try for a riot. If you get a good one, let me know. I’ll buy you coffee.

8) Communiversity.

Kansas City has a communal college called Communiversity, which does night classes in all sorts of strange subjects. The last time I checked, you could get their calendar at Border’s. Find the administration number. Call them and ask if you can teach a class in your specialty. Make up a fantastic specialty, like Communication with Dolphins through Post-Modern Architecture. Really push it as the “new big thing.” Who knows, you may get the gig.

7) Be petty.

Go into a restaurant, set yourself on fire, and then ask “Can I smoke here?” Yeah, I know, it’s childish and immature, but so is a city-wide smoking ban.

6) Date your T.A.

If you’re in a hard class you don’t think you can pass on your own merits and you’ve got a cute T.A., sleep with them. I know it’s torrid, tacky, pointless and unethical, but it’s also pretty much how the real world works.

5) Write a blog.

Force people to listen to you by posting on a Web log site, giving all your friends the address and asking them if they’ve seen your most recent update. Post what you had for lunch, how you have a mad crush on Justin Timberlake, how 50 Cent is da bomb and how you think Kerry should be president because he has better hair. It’s OK! It’s great! We all want to know!!

4) Tell them you LOVE them.

If you’re bored on a night out, start a conversation with a random stranger, talk for about five minutes and then start telling them that you really feel a connection and that you love them. Keep this up until either

A) they throw a drink in your face or

B) they go home with you.

Warning: Could result in marriage.

3) Refer to everyone as your bitches.

Have yourself a little “pimp” day, dress up and call everyone your bitches and hos. When the professor asks you a question regarding the influences of classicism on the romantic movement, reply with an excited “Mizzle, my Prizzle” and smack dat bitch up. Be sure to wear the cloak and the shoes with the fish in them.

2) Try to force your way through the drive-thru at Taco Bell.

If you ever have a bad late-night experience at Taco Bell (and let’s be honest here, who hasn’t?) try to violently propel yourself from your car, THROUGH the drive-thru window to strangle the spotty teenager who wouldn’t give you your chalupa. If you make it through the drive-thru, ta-da, instant revenge. If not, well, at least you’ve rallied some publicity for the whole team.

1) Become KU’s biggest fan.

Sure, a lot of folks can paint themselves blue and red and run around screaming for a mere two hours while the game is on; but you’re KU’s BIGGEST FAN, and that requires full-time attention. Have your body permanently tattooed in the school colors and spend every night running around, beer in hand, screaming “Rock Chalk Jayhawk!” Don’t be confined to campus, though — everyone needs a little KU spirit. Try it downtown, or at Alvamar. Sure, you may get arrested, but hey, did that ever stop a TRUE FAN?