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Opinion

Opinion

Opinion: Just think about Ted Cruz for a minute

September 3, 2013

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How Ted Cruz might react to Ted Cruz’s Canadian origins if Ted Cruz wasn’t himself Ted Cruz:

Fellow wing-nuts, this man, this junior senator from Texas, this Alberta-born son of a Cuban father who didn’t become an American until 2005 and a Delaware-born mother, this Ted Cruz, says he going to renounce the Canadian side of his dual Canadian-American citizenship just as soon as he gets around to filling out the paperwork.

Should we believe him? Think about it.

For as long as this man could talk, he’s been calling himself “Ted” when in fact his real name is Rafael Edward Cruz. “Rafael,” as in Rafael Trujillo, Rafael Furcal and Rafael Nadal. A Dominican dictator, a Dominican shortstop and a Spanish tennis player. I suppose you could mention Raphael, the Italian painter or the archangel of the same name. What do they have in common? They’re not American.

Who else called himself “Ted” when his real name was “Edward?” Ted Kennedy, that’s who. Think about it.

Sen. Raffi Cruz says he didn’t know that under Canadian law, being born in Canada automatically confers citizenship. Raffi says he only learned it last weekend when it was pointed out by the Dallas Morning News.

Raffi is a cum laude graduate of Princeton University and a magna cum laude graduate of Harvard Law School and he didn’t know what countries he held citizenship in? Think about it.

Fellow patriots, I’m not saying there’s not a lot to like about Canada. To begin with, they don’t call it the great white north for nothing. And to paraphrase a great former half-term governor of a state that shares a very long border with Canada, you can actually see Canada from land here in the United States.

One thing’s for sure: We definitely want to do Canada a big favor by letting them ship their heavy, sludgy tar-sands oil across our country in the Keystone XL pipeline. We could tell them, “Hey, pump it over the Canadian Rockies to Vancouver and ruin your own environment.” But think about it. That would be wrong.

We need to maintain good diplomatic relations with Canada, but that doesn’t mean we should put one of them in the White House. Do we want Wayne Gretzky posters in the Roosevelt Room? Round bacon at breakfast? Vinegar on the French fries, or maybe even that cheese-curd and brown-gravy stuff they call poutine? How’s poutine going to look at a White House state dinner? With doughnuts from Tim Horton’s.

Canada helped us out in the war in Afghanistan. More than 150 Canadian troops died there. But in the Iraq War’s “Coalition of the Willing,” Canada was unwilling. Why? Think about it.

That’s right. Large parts of Canada still speak French. When you hear the term “French-Canadian,” it sort of makes your flesh crawl. And we’re going to risk that in the White House? Hit the road, Jacques.

Fellow real Americans, let us not forget that Canada has socialized medicine. In fact, one of the first provinces to adopt a socialized plan was Alberta, where Raffi was born in 1970. His parents didn’t have to pay the ridiculously inflated charges that real Americans love.

Am I questioning Raffi’s American citizenship? No, I am not. He may have been born in Canada and his father may have been Cuban, but his mother was 100 percent American and that makes him an American.

It’s like a guy who had a Kenyan father and a Kansas mother and was born in a foreign nation like Hawaii ... no, wait. It’s not like that at all.

If a guy is born Hawaii — a really big “if” — he’s a “natural born citizen,” as the Constitution says a president has to be. But what if he’s born in a foreign land? Is that the same thing? A lot of experts say yes, pointing out that John McCain was born in the Panama Canal Zone and George Romney was born in Mexico and nobody questioned their right to run for president. But think about it: What do experts know? Man caused global warming? Please.

Brothers and sisters of the gun, I hate to bring this up, but in Canada, you have to register your guns and get a license to own them. Plus there are some kinds of guns you can’t even buy and they limit the size of magazines. Do we really want these Raffi Do-right gun restrictions here?

You think “Canada” and you think polar bears and plaid shirts and mukluks and Sergeant Preston of the Yukon, but in fact this is a socialist paradise. You think of Canada as independent, but the Queen of England is still the head of state.

That’s right, England. Where did Karl Marx write “Das Kapital”? That’s right, Desk 7 in the Reading Room at the British Museum, London, England.

Think about it.

— Kevin Horrigan is a columnist for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

Comments

2002 1 year, 3 months ago

Come on, it is OK to be racist if you're on the left. I'm not much of a Ted Cruz fan, but I find the opposition to him on the left to be offensive. It is very similar to the opposition to Sarah Palin or any African-American conservative. The left believes that the own every person in these categories. Embarrassing.

tomatogrower 1 year, 3 months ago

He is not a US citizen, sorry. He can run for any office, except President and Vice President. Obama - born in US to a US mother and a Kenyan father legally in country - 2/3 US Cruz - born in Canada to US mother and Cuban father 1/3 US - not enough.

Orwell 1 year, 3 months ago

He's a political neanderthal, the reincarnation of Joe McCarthy. His ethnicity and place of birth have nothing to do with anything, except to expose the hypocrisy of the birthers.

fuel_for_the_fire 1 year, 3 months ago

It never ceases to amaze me how little Americans know about their own country, not to mention their neighbor to the North.

A. tolawdjk is correct - Canadian is not a race, it is a nationality.

B. tomatogrower is incorrect - there is no such thing as being a fraction of an American as this too is a nationality and not a race. You either are an American citizen, or you are not. (Note: You can have more than one nationality but this does not make you half and half). If you are born in the US, are are an American citizen, regardless of your parents' nationality. If you were born abroad and have at least one parent who is an American citizen and meets certain other requirements, your parent can apply for you to become an American citizen (acquired citizenship) at birth, or you can apply yourself if were under 18 from 12/24/52 to 2/27/01, but again certain requirements must be met.

The US Citizen and Immigration Services website has all the information.

C. I agree with appleaday - Brilliant article!

Phoghorn 1 year, 3 months ago

Of course nobody questions McCain or Romney. Their parents are both American citizens. Duh!

Phoghorn 1 year, 3 months ago

Why would it be wrong to let Canada run its pipeline? Is this author saying that we are doing them a favor by disallowing the pipeline? That is odd.

Yes, Canada has socialized medicine. Canadian citizens come to the US for care.

Karl Marx wrote his book while in England? What does that have to do with the price of tea in China.

This is a piece of creative writing, for sure. It's irony is not lost on me. That being said, it is not investigative journalism.

tolawdjk 1 year, 3 months ago

What part of "Opinion" in the headline led you to believe this might be investigative journalism.

To borrow your own words...if you are connecting the dots to a picture of an opinion piece, you are really just drawing an opinion piece.

Phoghorn 1 year, 3 months ago

I understand that, but many people will take an opinion piece and parrot it as if it is investigative journalism. For evidence of this, see any discussion board below any opinion piece.

jayhawklawrence 1 year, 3 months ago

Since you brought it up, who is to say that our version of investigative journalism does not belong in the opinion section.

This is probably a good topic for a class discussion and I would submit that it is not as clearly defined as you might assume. For example, 30 million people believe Rush Limbaugh to be an oracle of the truth and when backed into a corner, he and his defenders will call him an "entertainer" while smirking. On his show he is constantly quoting news stories which are not reliable but given as such.

deec 1 year, 3 months ago

Given that the first Keystone pipeline leaked 12 times in its first year, and the proposed pipeline would run over the principal water source for 9 states, it's obvious what''s wrong with it. Not to mention the devastation occurring in Alberta to the soil, water and air caused by dilbit extraction. Then there's the increased rates of cancer, birth defects and other health issues to Canadians in proximity to the mines. As for the jobs, when completed a grand total of 35 permanent jobs will be created according to the State Dept. report which was written by a firm with ties to Transcanada. So yeah, stopping the KXL does benefit Canada, or at least its citizens who don't happen to own stock in the dilbit companies.

Orwell 1 year, 3 months ago

I'm sure U.S. citizens denied health care coverage would be happy to receive the services available to all Canadians. The only Canadians who come here are the ones who can afford the astronomical prices many Americans can't handle

jhawkinsf 1 year, 3 months ago

Why would they come here at all? Doesn't that imply that there are better services here than in Canada?

Thomas Bryce 1 year, 3 months ago

Oh, I am sure Donald Trump had His people check it all out. So, You KNOW Ted is OK. (wink?)

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