Apparently the nation was in dire peril last week because of President Barack Obama’s inability to display anger.

The subject was all over the Internet and the cable infotainment shows, where people are paid large sums to act angry on cue. Everyone from Spike Lee to James Carville thinks the president (to quote Spike) should “go off” on BP for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Folks are upset that the president hasn’t climbed on top of a pile of oil-soaked sea birds, grabbed a bullhorn and threatened that “the people who knocked down these seagulls will hear all of us very soon.”

My theory is that the inability to display anger is caused by a chemical imbalance. Unlike his predecessor, this president appears to have a critical shortage of the hormone called pistoferone.

I have vast quantities of pistoferone circulating in my personal endocrine system and would be more than happy to be a pistoferone donor. Nearly everything makes me angry, particulary this stupid, usless peace of junk computor that keeps speling words wrong.

Hypo-pistoferone syndrome is a terrible thing to witness. Victims try gamely to summon anger by barking “plug the damned hole,” and going on TV with Matt Lauer to say they are wondering “whose ass to kick.”

Obama’s interview with Lauer sounded a little contrived, as if he’d summoned his political advisers to the Oval Office to come with some macho language:

Advisers: “Just tell them you’re going to kick BP’s ass.”

The President: “You can’t actually kick a corporation’s gluteus maximus. Let me be clear: Corporations, no matter what the Supreme Court said in Citizens United v FEC, corporations are not people and thus have no glutei maximi.”

Advisers: “You’re talking like a law professor again. How about you say you’re going to kick the BP CEO’s ass? How about you say you’re going to open up a No. 9 can of whup-ass upside his head?”

The President: I’m not sure we can assign personal blame. Let me be clear: I’ll just say I’ll be trying to determine upside whose head a No. 9 can of … whatever … should be opened.”

Someone with the proper levels of pistoferone would not have to be coached. In fact, he probably would have beaten the snot out of Matt Lauer just on general principles. I get angry just thinking of that softball-tossing pretty boy.

For that matter, he probably should tell Spike Lee just to shut up. Ask him if he’s using any less gasoline in his limo and private jet. And Carville — If he’s such a Louisiana political genius, why doesn’t he go down there and elect a Democratic governor or run somebody against their hooker-happy Republican senator?

Who’s the last president who got angry in public? Harry Truman, who wrote a letter threatening to punch a Washington Post music critic in the nose for an unkind of review of his daughter’s singing talents. People loved him for sticking up for his daughter.

Therefore, the proper posterior for a presidential punt belongs to TV and radio blowhard Glenn Beck, who spent much of his May 28 radio program making fun of the president’s 11-year-old daughter, Malia.

Obama had mentioned in a press conference that even Malia had been bugging him, asking, “Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?”

Beck said, “‘Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?’ If that’s their — that’s the level of their education, that they’re coming to — they’re coming to daddy and saying ‘Daddy, did you plug the hole yet?”‘

Beck then adopted a child’s voice and said, “Why, why, why, why, do you still let the polar bears die? Daddy, why do you still let Sarah Palin destroy the environment? Why are — Daddy, why don’t you just put her in some sort of a camp?”

Beck quickly apologized. But guys with the proper level of pistoferone would have punched him in the nose anyway. America would cheer; even conservatives would have to admit he had it coming.

Like most 11-year-old girls, Malia thinks her daddy can fix anything. This is among the reasons why they should never be allowed to grow any older.

Adults are supposed to be more sophisticated, but this is pretty much what they think, too: Presidents can fix anything if they only get angry enough.

If people had wanted a hot-tempered president, they would have elected John McCain. His Senate colleagues used to call him “Sen. Hothead.” The guy oozes pistoferone from every pore. He’d have nuked British Petroleum’s well by now. He might have nuked Britain by now.

But America voted for cool and cerebral instead. Now America wants cool, cerebral and angry. It’s enough to piss you off.

— Kevin Horrigan is a columnist for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. His e-mail address is khorrigan@post-dispatch.com.