Spitzer scandal brings up discussions among couples

? Every so often, says Marla Felcher, something happens that makes her realize again that she made a great choice of husband, lo these 29 years ago. One of those moments was the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal.

“We talked about it, and realized we were really on the same page,” says Felcher, a consumer advocate, author and teacher based in Cambridge, Mass. “These issues don’t come up that often, and this gave us a chance to articulate them.”

What did the couple agree on? That the line Spitzer crossed with his secret life frequenting prostitutes was unforgivable. That neither of them would have been able to let the other off the hook in similar circumstances. That they couldn’t have stood by in silent support, as Silda Wall Spitzer did in those two painful public appearances.

“Maybe some men and some women wouldn’t agree,” says Felcher, 50. “But this story is like a Rorschach test for people. It was good to know we felt the same way.”

Open for discussion

In New York and across the country, the still-stunning Spitzer scandal – and the “mini-scandal” it spawned, with revelations of infidelity by the new governor, David Paterson – has had many couples discussing and debating. For some, it’s just been the oh-my-gosh-can-you-believe-it talks in front of the TV.

For others, it’s been deeper discussions of feelings about (or experiences with) infidelity, betrayal, loyalty and the like. It’s come up in counseling sessions, too.

“Certainly in my clinical practice it’s been mentioned more than a few times,” says Jay Lebow, a psychologist and professor at the Family Institute at Northwestern University. “It’s stimulating, it’s provocative, and it gets people thinking about their own lives. It’s prompting an awareness among people that life may be more complicated than they thought it was.”

In other words, some people are asking, “Does my spouse have secrets that I don’t know about?” Another uncomfortable scenario, Lebow says, plays out with those who’ve already had painful experiences with infidelity. “This reopens it for them,” he says.

Mars and Venus

Is the Spitzer scandal a Mars and Venus moment? Certainly there are many points of possible contention between the sexes. One is the fact that Spitzer’s betrayal involved prostitutes.

“Men in general are more understanding, more accepting of the prostitute angle than women,” says Lebow, who adds that the same holds true of casual sex, as in the one-night-stand after meeting someone at a bar.

Many women, though, tend to focus on the depressing grunginess of prostitution, as well as the risks to a spouse or partner. Prostitutes “have been with all kinds of people, so of course there could be some type of disease or infection,” says Sylvia Clark, of Dallas. Her husband, Randy, calls prostitution “the lowest of the lowest, and a total disrespect for the wife.”

Together, the Clarks run a company, Total Dimensions Family Services, that seeks to educate people about relationships.

They hope to use the Spitzer scandal as a future teaching tool.

“I’m quite sure it will come up,” says Randy Clark. “It shows that everyone is vulnerable.”

The two have discussed it as a couple, too. “I told him, there’s no way I would stand there with you,” Sylvia says. “He’s shown her total disrespect. I would not be there.”

Talk shows

On the airwaves, where talk shows addressed the scandal nonstop for days, Mars and Venus moments have abounded. Some women were annoyed by all the talk of a “victimless crime.” And they laughed when Joy Behar of the all-female gabfest “The View” proclaimed that “Viagra is destroying our government.”

“I’m sure couples are in discussion, but gingerly, about this topic,” Behar wrote in an e-mail message. “Every married couple fears this type of thing happening. Maybe it’s inevitable that when you get married fairly young, you will be tempted to stray after a certain number of years.”