Country singer Anne Murray had a hit single in 1982 called “A Little Good News” in which she lamented how the news that gets reported to us almost always seems to be of the bad variety. The catch-phrase in the song was “we sure could use a little good news today.” How relevant that sentiment seems in 2005 as we are buried under an avalanche of reports of war, natural disasters and political corruption at the highest levels.

Well, I am here today to provide America with a little dose of that all too rare commodity: some good news, for a change. Prepare to be cheered up.

According to Michael Jackson’s father, Joseph Jackson, the gloved one is unlikely to ever live in the United States again because we “didn’t treat him right here.” As a parent, and as a proud American, let me be the first to say “farewell Michael, and good riddance.”

In fact, it is my hope that America becomes widely known as a place that is rather unfriendly to grown men who sleep with other people’s children, and I hope that people who share Jackson’s tendencies will follow his lead and deprive us of their presence.

Jacko has been living in a Middle Eastern country called Bahrain, and apparently the desert agrees with him. He’s been keeping himself busy there working on a charity project, a single he intends to release to benefit victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Don’t expect a “We Are The World” class list of collaborators on this one, but he did manage to recruit fellow scofflaws Snoop Dogg and R Kelly to lend a hand. Thanks anyway Michael, but if I want to help out the less fortunate I’ll make a donation to the Red Cross instead of buying your cheesy single.

But hey – I want to stay positive here. I’m happy Mike has found a place to live, and I’m even happier that it’s not in my hemisphere. In fact, maybe he can establish a colony in Bahrain for public figures who feel they aren’t being “treated right” in the old US of A, people who we’d be better off without. Here are a few celebrities I’d like to see join him in exile.

¢ O.J. Simpson. Remember him? Just because he hasn’t killed anyone lately doesn’t mean I want to run into him on the golf course.

¢ Terrell Owens. Expatriation means never having to say you’re sorry, TO. Think about it.

¢ Michael Moore, The Dixie Chicks, Alec Baldwin. I’m all about free speech, as long as it’s intelligent and constructive. Maybe they’d have better luck “making a difference” in Bahrain than they’ve had over here.

¢ Rush Limbaugh, Bill O’Reilly, Pat Robertson. You really didn’t think I was going to get rid of the left-wing idiots and leave us at the mercy of the right-wing morons, did you? Obviously you’ve never read this column before.

¢ Britney Spears, that guy she’s married to, his ex-girlfriend, and all of their kids. I hear Bahrain is a great place for a comeback, Brit. I’m sure MJ would lend you some studio time.

¢ And last, but certainly not least, Paris Hilton. I’ve seen your face many, many more times than I need to. The next time I see your picture I want to see you on the back of a camel. Now that’s hot!

– Bill Ferguson is a columnist for the Macon (Ga.) Telegraph. His e-mail address is fergcolumn@hotmail.com.