Twas the month before Christmas

And as I lit candles,

Conservatives stirred –

They were onto a scandal.

“They want to kill Christmas!”

Came the cry from the right:

“They want to ax Bethlehem

And O! Holy Night!

“They’re after the Christ child

And Joseph and Mary

And shepherds and wise men;

These liberals are scary.”

Who? I said. Who

Is behind these cruel plots?

“Well, we’re not really sure,

But we heard it on Fox.

“Fox fair and balanced;

Esteemed, and most highly.

We’re not really sure-

It was prob’ly O’Reilly.”

So I grabbed the remote

And clicked over to Fox

And there snarled O’Reilly.

(Imagine my shock):

“The liberals, the commies,

The A.C.L.U.

They want to steal Christmas

From me and from you.

They say ‘Happy Holidays’

And acknowledge the Jews

By throwing in Hanukkah.”

I was really confused.

“And what’s this with Kwanzaa?”

The O’Reilly elf said.

“Some guy made it up,

Made it up from whole cloth.

And somewhere the pagans

Are worshipping trees

And Muslims turn eastward

On rugs on their knees.”

“The Democrats did it,”

He said with a roar.

“It was Kerry and Biden

And Clinton and Gore.”

And then with a smirk

He fired heavy artillery:

“If you want my opinion,

I bet it was Hillary.”

I sat there in silence,

Stunned in my jammies.

My pulse was just racing

My hands were all clammy.

Who can save Christmas

From plots so barbaric

That turn Jesus’ birthday

To a season generic?

What will happen to Christmas?

Should I recycle my creche?

And toss out John’s gospel

‘Bout Word become flesh?

Should I toss out the angels?

They could get me arrested.

I was, lo, sore afraid

And my soul greatly tested.

Who will save Christmas?

George W. Bush?

Who will save Christmas

When shove comes to push?

We could call the Marines

But they’ve all been assigned.

This disaster needs FEMA.

Oh … never mind.

Then I heard a weird jingling

From somewhere in back

And grabbed for the pistol

I’m licensed to pack.

I pulled back the slide

And quick chambered a round

And yelled out “Freeze dirtbag!

Don’t dare make a sound!”

The guy, he was balding

And wore a blue suit.

He was driving a pickup

That said “Brown & Root.”

His eyes they were squinting,

His voice, slightly nervous

Said, “Richard B. Cheney.

I’m here, at your service.”

I was stunned at the sight

Of the man who’s the veep.

And I thought I was dreaming,

In some weird right-wing sleep.

I heard him cough softly

Then say, “It’s not fiction.

“First Comet is venison.

“And next I’ll shoot Vixen.”

“I killed off the reindeer,”

He softly exhaled.

“And I sent Santa off

To a black CIA jail.

This secular nonsense,

We’ll end it, right quick.

I’ve got other priorities

Or my name’s not St. Dick.”

He said, “Christmas’s really

Just all about loot

You can stuff in your bag

And then dis-t’-ri-bute

To friends and to donors

And pals who are cronies,

It’s not about children

Or Democrat phonies.

“The trick that I’ve learned,”

St. Dick said like a Scrooge,

“Is avoiding the blame.

Instead, get you a stooge,

So the stooge takes the heat

As you make dead certain

That the goodies pile up

Inside Halliburton.”

“So we’ll blame it on liberals,

And commies and gays.

We’ll blame it on Democrats

And folks who don’t pray.”

We’ve got Bill O’Reilly

To stir up the base

While we haul all our loot

To an undisclosed place.”

Then he turned with a wink,

Jumped back into his pickup.

He nodded his head

And then said with a hiccup:

“I’ll tell you one thing

Gives me great satisfaction:

‘The liberals stole Christmas’

Is a dandy distraction.”

– Kevin Horrigan is a columnist for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. His e-mail address is khorrigan@post-dispatch.com.