“Alice, you’re the greatest.” Or are you? Who are the “100 Greatest TV Characters” (8 p.m., Bravo)? Viewers can spend a whole week watching the countdown. Like every list-and-clip special, “Greatest” includes the obvious and the surprising, ranked in an order both arbitrary and absurd. Is Ally McBeal (No. 75) really more memorable, or “greater,” than Rob and Laura Petrie (No. 78)? The New Rochelle couple is not the only tag-team to get one ranking. Gomez and Morticia from “The Addams Family clock in at No. 87, while the “Friends” cast gets lumped together at No. 46.

“Greatest” offers viewers 20 characters per night. That’s three minutes per ranking, minus time for commercials, so the coverage is a tad scant. But the producers have assembled a nice collection of actors, actresses and producers to comment on memorable TV personalities. At times, television looks like one big mutual admiration society. You have Jerry Orbach (Lenny Brisco of “Law & Order,” No. 30) and Dennis Franz (“NYPD Blue”‘s Andy Sipowicz, No. 23) praising the groundbreaking work of Jack Webb, whose Joe Friday comes in at No. 25.

Bravo has only released the bottom 90 spots, so the top 10 remains a mystery to be announced during the second half of Friday’s show. It doesn’t take a genius to guess that Tony Soprano, Lucy Ricardo, Mary Richards, Archie Bunker, Capt. Kirk, Ralph Kramden, The Fonz, and Homer and Bart Simpson will make the cut. Will “Seinfeld” characters be saluted singly or as an ensemble? Deputy Barney Fife is No. 36; will Sheriff Andy make the top 10? And where’s Aunt Bee?

• By now you’ve probably read all about the controversy over the steamy promotion for “Desperate Housewives” at the beginning of last week’s “Monday Night Football” (8 p.m., ABC). What was ABC thinking? Forget the moral outrage and the obvious comparisons to MTV’s sleazy Super Bowl stunt. The Nicollette Sheridan towel escapade only confirmed my worst suspicions about ABC: they don’t have a clue about the viewers of “Monday Night Football.” First Dennis Miller, now this.

Dear ABC: Let me make this very simple for you. Guys watch football for action, action and statistics. You must have thought that the red-blooded audience for football would enjoy the sauciness of “Housewives.” You are wrong. That show is a satire. It treats sex, marriage and suburbia as farce. In stark contrast, football is an irony-free zone.

ABC, it’s almost as if you have contempt for your football franchise, a top 10 primetime show for the last 35 seasons. Why else would you precede the game with glitzy garbage like George Hamilton’s “Life of Luxury”? Get a clue. A huge audience is sitting around waiting for football to begin, and CBS has stolen this “tailgate party” crowd with weak sitcoms like “Listen Up,” based on the life of an ESPN commentator. Hey, ABC, I thought you owned ESPN! You should know a thing or two about sports and its fans. But time and again, you demonstrate “Desperate” cluelessness.

Enough ranting — let’s get back to the game. Kansas City hosts New England on “Monday Night Football” (8 p.m., ABC).

Tonight’s other highlights

• Parallel wives on “Trading Spouses” (7 p.m., Fox).
• Holiday bickering on “Everybody Loves Raymond” (8 p.m., CBS).
• Floating murder evidence points to 21st-century pirates on “CSI: Miami” (9 p.m., CBS).
• The family finds out on “$25 Million Dollar Hoax” (8:30 p.m., NBC).

Series notes

Brian’s first girlfriend has competition on “Still Standing” (7 p.m., CBS) … Joe Rogan hosts a 90-minute edition of “Fear Factor” (7 p.m., NBC) … George Hamilton hosts “Life of Luxury” (7 p.m., ABC) … An intimate party crashed on “One on One” (7 p.m., UPN) … Simon’s ex drops a bombshell on “7th Heaven” (7 p.m., WB).

Marla Gibbs (“The Jeffersons”) guest stars on “Listen Up” (7:30 p.m., CBS) … Louis Gossett Jr. guest stars on “Half & Half” (7:30 p.m., UPN).

Police officers join the ranks on “The Swan” (8 p.m., Fox) … Lynne has two daddies on “Girlfriends” (8 p.m., UPN) … Ephram and Amy mull intimacy on “Everwood” (8 p.m., WB) … Charlie’s ex has big news on “Two and a Half Men” (8:30 p.m., CBS).

Late night

Colin Farrell and The Walkmen appear on “Late Show with David Letterman” (10:35 p.m., CBS) … Jay Leno hosts Tim Allen, Steve Irwin and Tim McGraw on “The Tonight Show” (10:35 p.m., NBC) … Green Day performs on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (11:05 a.m., ABC).

Dave Chappelle, Rose Byrne and Sam Roberts are on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” (11:35 p.m., NBC) … Damien Fahey hosts Eddie Izzard, Paget Brewster and Ben Harper on “The Late, Late Show” (11:37 p.m., CBS).