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Yawn … morning, Top Chefers. I know that I should be all peppy and really excited over finally getting past the preliminary nonsense and into the last few episodes before we find out who’s the top of the top. But instead, I needed a big, ol’ swig of caffeine this morning to cut through the sleepiness created by excitement not from last night’s episode, but for the impending meltdowns of next week.

Let me explain.

This week had the previous weeks’ winning chefs doing their thing, getting to know each other’s styles in an intimate and clever way. It was cool. The most bland chef went home. All the show’s “characters” are still intact and we’re still hurtling toward the finale. Yay.

Everything was hunky-dory, and I was ready to get some long-awaited sleep (Yes, it was 10 p.m., but with an infant, I would go to bed at 6 p.m. if I could), when those sly producers showed a clip from next week’s episode. Not only was the adorable and quirky Zooey Deschanel set to be a guest, but the clip hinted at meltdowns thanks to the actress’s “restrictions.” Hmmm … restrictions … laptop to the rescue! Turns out the lovely Ms. Deschanel is allergic to dairy, eggs and gluten.

Now that’s what I call an elimination challenge! (Heh, heh.)

So, though the first six weeks were somewhat yawn-inducing while I anxiously awaited this final stage of the competition, this week’s episode was yawn-inducing in another way, as I wondered late at night how those chefs were going to cook for her. As someone with food restrictions of my own, and with many friends with one restriction or another, I’m really excited to see an episode for the folks who can’t or won’t match forks with the eat-anything food critics on “Top Chef Masters” (Sea urchin lover James Oseland, I’m looking at you!).

OK, so that is next week. I’ll stop. This is the here and now. As I suggested above, we finally have all six masters of masters together in one room: week 1 winner Hubert Keller, week 2’s Suzanne Tracht, week 3 champ Rick Bayless, week 4 winner Anita Lo, week 5’s Michael Chiarello and week 6’s Art Smith. All six are talented, five will move on to next week, four are quite talkative, three are famous, at least two are dark horses and one was this week’s winner.

And exactly none of them obviously watch reality television.

How do I know that? There’s just the little things, like the fact that quite obviously that nothing happens on the show without a reason. When the toothpicks-and-hairspray host tells you to make your “signature” dish for each other, there will be a pop quiz later. Duh.

But these folks didn’t hint at knowing that little bit of information, as they quietly went through cooking their signature meals for each other under the guise of “getting to know each other better.” Uh yeah, that’s what they have time for in the kitchen, right? It’s not like they don’t just stand around and play the “do you know …?” game like the rest of us when we meet people for the first time who run in the same circles. Even great chefs do that.

Well, surprise, surprise, after they’ve all finished feasting on enough food to make Miss Toothpicks and Hairspray herself, host Kelly Choi, double in size, she comes into the room to announce that they each have to make each other’s dishes. Ha! Only Hubert, who was a hoss in leading Team Salt to victory in a “mise en place” quickfire challenge, gets to pick whose dish he will imitate. He picks Anita’s dish, which means Anita ends up with his dish. The other four draw knives, with the only really weird matchup being Rick and Michael, whose styles of cooking are literally half a world apart (Rick does Mexican, Michael does Italian).

Off to Whole Foods the chefs go, all looking for ways to improve upon each other’s dishes without bruising an ego or two along the way. Little do they know that they are really cruising for a bruising with the judging set-up. Turns out the other folks they are cooking for are some of their past competitors in the earlier rounds. Meaning Mr. Evil Shrek Prince Ludo made a cameo. Although I was hoping for fireworks ensuing with Ludo rushing into the kitchen to try to bean Rick with quesadillas over the organ meat challenge he believes he should have one, I was in for no such luck. Ludo gave compliments and sat there almost placidly, very unlike the Ludo I happen to know and love. Someone must have learned from his first hot-headed appearance on TV. He didn’t even need subtitles this time. Booo, hiss.

Also learning from her first appearance was Suzanne, who could have been confused for a pan of dishwater in her elimination episode earlier in the season. This time, she was back with frosted pink lipstick(!), family photos and a few clutch lines dissing her mom’s cooking (sassy!). However, the one thing she couldn’t change — her quickness — turned out to be her downfall. So serene, yet fast, was she that she plated her grouper dish a full 10 minutes before they were set to see the judges, meaning table might as well have been served straight-from-the-fridge tuna salad.

They sent her home with a measly 14.5 stars and put poor emotional Art into tears after he came in second-to-last because of his decision to put a whole egg inside of a lamb burger while recreating Suzanne’s signature. Worth the 15 stars he got? Probably not, as it seemed to be a worse offense — it reminded me of a golf ball stuck in a cow patty — but at least it wasn’t served at room temperature.

So who really laid an egg here? Probably Suzanne, considering not only did she not ever act like a reality-show-ready character, nor exhibit much of a competitively freaked out nature, but she also came down to the wire with a dark horse who is clearly a producer’s darling based on the amount of face-time his gets. Hey, but it wouldn’t have worked out next week anyway — no eggs, no way with Ms. Deschanel.

Also of note: I posted that picture of the judges for this blog just because I feel like that photo pretty much sums up each of their personalities without me actually having to do it myself (L-R): James Oseland looking like a tart and hacked off food critic, Gael Greene showing off both her hat collection (Harry Potter sorting hat, is that you?) and a look that says “Don’t you know who I am? I slept with Elvis,” Jay Rayner looking like Belle’s Beast in a sheep’s clothing and Kelly Choi in all her toothpicks-and-hairspray glory.