First of all, let me get this out of the way: “Project Runway” is back! YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!

OK, now I feel much better. It’s been nearly a year since Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn graced our screens as the guardians of all things sacred in fashion and nearly two years since the Season 6 designers taped their segments. Not exactly the best situation for a show about fashion, whose fickle tastes might already be beyond whatever this crew of 16 sends down the runway.

Not that that matters. What matters that is after tons of catfighting and litigation between the show’s production team and its old network Bravo, it’s back on the air on Lifetime (Sunflower Broadband Channels 69 and 269) and ready to crown a successor to Leanne, last season’s boring, limp-banged winner.

That season I summed up with the words, “And sadly, those bangs could also be a metaphor for this season: long, limp and in need of a makeover.”

Well, we got the makeover we needed. Sort of.

Lifetime’s inaugural season started out in Los Angeles rather than New York. Different. It started out on the red carpet rather than in a grocery store or some other non-glamorous location of past seasons. Different. It has a real range of ages — from 24 to 50. Different. It’s on a Thursday rather than a Wednesday. Different. It’s pared with a sister show about the pretty girls strutting down the catwalk called “Models of the Runway” which appears after the main event. Different.

Also, it’s absolutely, positively clear the show is on Lifetime, the requisite “chick” network on the cable dial (We watched it live and my husband lamented the number of “feminine” product commercials, begging for something more beer-centric. Well, mere seconds later he got his wish when a commercial for a certain 64-calorie beer came on air. Not exactly what he had in mind, I’m sure.)

Different, indeed.

Not so different? Tim Gunn’s elegance. Same. The set pieces and judges — Michael Kors, Nina Garcia and Heidi Klum are still intact. Same. The hysterics over the time constraints — one contestant, Johnny, was crying and being consoled by Tim just after the first commercial break. Same.

And like Johnny, most of the cast seems like bizarro versions of past contestants. A run-down of the 16 newcomers. Raise your hand if you’ve heard this before:

Christopher: Untrained guy from the Midwest.
Johnny: Looks hard-edged but is just a big softy with a faulty waterworks valve.
Louise: A dark-haired woman with a penchant for red lips and the 1940s.
Irina: A hot brunette who could be confused with the models.
Nicolas: A know-it-all with commercial success who looks like a cross between Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka and Tom Petty.
Mitchell: Perez Hilton’s stunt double.
Shirin: Penelope Cruz’s stunt double.
Gordana: An older blonde with a foreign accent and commercial success.
Carol Hannah: Perky Southern blonde out to prove she’s not a ditz.
Ra’mon-Lawrence: Well-manicured man with red carpet dreams and a closet full of shiny T-shirts.
Logan: If our beloved Jimmy from “Harper’s Island” had a thing for V-necks and wife-beaters, he’d probably look and act like this guy.
Malvin: Mr. Androgynous who wants seems to want to make a mark on unisex that takes it a few levels above its current location on the door to a single-serve bathroom.
Qristyl: A designer on the same wavelength as Malvin except that instead of gender, her muse is the bigger women in the universe.
Epperson: A Bobby McFerrin (“Don’t Worry, Be Happy”) look-alike, who, at age 50, is old enough to be a father to half the designers.
Althea: A new fashion school grad who talks a big talk.

And last but certainly not least is a treat for us folk in the greater Kansas City area: Ari Fish. A cute and quirky dead-ringer for Samantha Ronson — guest judge Lindsay Lohan’s special friend at the time — she’s the first contestant in the show’s history to be from our neck of the woods.

Or was.

Sorry to say, Kansas City isn’t going to be making its mark on “Project Runway” anytime soon as Ari was the first designer to go. That, and they made her look as loopy as possible.

In all fairness, the very first challenge of this season wasn’t exactly the avant-garde designer’s forte, as the contestants were brought to the red carpet for the Emmy awards (the 2008 Emmys, natch) and told to create a design befitting the event. Back at the studio, Ari preceded not to design — “I don’t sketch” she proclaimed — and just sat there squatting, sitting on tables and trying to pass the time. She looked like a real-life version of Ally Sheedy’s weirdo in “The Breakfast Club.” At one point, I fully expected her to shake dandruff out of her hair and on to the paper she wasn’t using to sketch.

Next, after her trip to Mood, Ari proceeded to make a silver soccer ball/space diaper “dress” with shorts and a weird hood thingy. I don’t know if she was designing for Cher or the man on the moon, but it was certainly risky.

So risky in fact that to lose, she had to beat out Mitchell’s panty hose nighty (he and his model had sizing issues and it was all he could do not to send her down the runway nude) AND a Frankenstein dress made of eggplant and a fabric that can only be described as “’80s scarf” that resembled those swimsuits you see in Sunday circulars with the secret tummy-flattening panel.

Really, it wasn’t totally fair to Ari — the judges should have kept her around for her personality alone. I mean, I know it’s a fashion show and all, but it’s true. And even if you’re strictly talking design, I’m guessing a soccer ball space diaper is a better bet than heading down the red carpet half naked or in a dress that might contain radioactive material.

So long, Ari, we hardly knew you.

Random thoughts:

• Winner Christopher’s dress was on another planet from the rest of the dresses. Though probably not Ari’s planet.

• Besides the “beer” commercial, apparently the only advertisers on Lifetime are razors, feminine products and romantic comedies. There was a 90-second preview for Jennifer Aniston’s new movie, “Love Happens.” My poor husband.

• I fear this season’s cast may test the limits of my ability to spell things correctly. I promise to try my hardest not to misspell nor offend Qristyl, Shirin, Gordana, Malvin or Ra’mon-Lawrence.

• I don’t think Johnny will make it more than a month in — not with his crying stint and second-guess parade less than 24 hours after the cameras made their debut in his life. Hmm, maybe it was too soon after rehab, my friend.