Top Chef Masters — Holy flaming coconuts, Batman (villain)!

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After a week off from Top Chef Masters for Independence Day (Bravo’s break, not mine), I had high hopes for the show hitting its stride. The last episode was delightful — despite being about offal — and the challenges were increasingly awesome.

But after last night’s episode, I kind of wished the producers would have thrown a few Black Cats in the kitchen, or maybe hid some sparklers in Gael Greene’s ever-present hat. At least a rabbit peed on our toothpicks-and-hairspray host Kelly Choi, therefore doubling her body weight. Good to get something out of a night of TV.

Despite the bunny incident, the fourth episode of the season just didn’t pop — even though it had plenty of explosive material to work with. Just check out some of these quality ingredients:

*Flaming coconuts!

*An East Coast vs. West Coast chef smackdown!

*A magician!

*Tom Colicchio!

*Flaming coconuts!

*Gail Simmons!

*Doogie Howser!

*Liquid nitrogen!

*Flaming coconuts!

*Secret passwords!

*Urinating bunnies!

*Did I mention the flaming coconuts?

But instead of igniting into the perfect demonstration of reality TV, the episode, like those aforementioned coconuts just kind of … fizzled.

The Coast vs. Coast chef war didn’t get beyond withering one-sided comments in the one-on-one interviews. The magician was cool but had an air of a high school drama nerd doing a Rasputin impression. And Neil Patrick Harris — Mr. Doogie Howser, M.D. in the flesh — didn’t inject any of his own personality, unless you consider that it does take some sort of personality to have such strange friends.

The set up goes like this: Four really likable, low-key chefs — Mark Peel, Anita Lo, John Besh and Douglas Rodriguez — get together to make eggs with one hand tied behind their backs. No F-bombs, no excessive sweating, no grandstanding. They just made their eggs (or didn’t make them, in John’s case) and turned them in. They all got their scores and no one pouted.

Halfway through and no booms or bangs or anything to make Kelly inflect her TV announcer monotone with excitement. Though, that might not be fair because though this is a food show, she clearly hasn’t eaten anything since 1989 — hard to show excitement with a stomach so empty it’s nearly concave.

After receiving their assignments for the elimination challenge from magician, mentalist and possible Adam West-era Batman villain reject Max Maven, the chefs headed off to create dishes encompassing all the elements of magic: Mystery, surprise, spectacle and illusion (Notice Hammer pants and eyeliner was left off the list. Apparently, those are Max Maven’s rules only).

Then the chefs went to work. Nothing dramatic, just some giddy excitement over lighting coconuts on fire and making horseradish sorbet with liquid nitrogen. Everyone is just as happy a clam. Except maybe Anita, who despite having the lead going into the final challenge, doesn’t seem any more excited than if she were waiting to see the dentist.

The chefs, cooking for Neil Patrick Harris and his magic-loving friends, prep and then head off to a private magic club/castle that Anita likens to Hogwarts (Don’t you wish they were cooking for Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson rather than Doogie? Now, that would be cool!).

First up in plating is Mark, who uses his word “mystery” to create little wrapped packages of snapper and leeks that didn’t look pretty when unwrapped, but apparently went really nicely with sake.

Next up was John with “surprise” and he certainly surprised Neil by forcing him to hold a big metal bowl while he sloshed around some liquid nitrogen for the purpose of making that aforementioned horseradish sorbet.
Anita came in with a much less dangerous meal after John, serving a simulated sea scape for her “illusion” assignment. She definitely hit the mark with a “scallop” that turned out to be a tartar in daikon radish clothing. Really pretty dang neat.

Finally, Douglas tried to turn out a fire and ice spectacle, but Gael must have been hiding the room’s oxygen in her hat because he couldn’t get his young coconuts to really burn like he had planned. But really, it’s not his fault, he doesn’t set produce on fire daily or anything. Too busy running award-winning restaurants.

As an aside: OK, I’m mean to Gael for her constant hat-wearing. I know, it’s not fair to be so critical of someone who slept with Elvis, but honestly, what IS under there? She reminds me of Bret Michaels in that I spend so much time wondering what is under there that I forget why either is famous. The answer these days is their incredible attachment to headgear, but once there were other reasons.

Back to the competition: Surprise, surprise, Anita won with her illusive scallops, but admits she’s mortified to have to be on TV again in the final four weeks of the show. I would have taken any of the folks as the were all really talented and likable. But they were also just kind of “meh.”

Now, if in the final weeks, Anita brings the fierceness she has in her official Top Chef mug shot, THEN we might be getting somewhere. It is truly Iron Chef Japan quality. Other than that, I can only hope that she doesn’t get into it with Suzanne Tracht over who is going to be the meeker of the two. A war of no words, how … magical.