Episode one: In which Kohl’s targets the wrong demographic; “Mystic Pizza” is inspiration, and “Point Pleasant” actors are resurrected post-apocalyptic Fox cancellation.

Opening scene: Champagne on a yacht, upbeat music and women sporting trendy spring dresses. You know, just like an Easter weekend department store ad. Or something. Perky grade-schooler Miranda approaches the in-crowd with a small gift box, where she grosses them out with an amputated finger gag. So “Harper’s Island” (9 p.m. Thursdays, CBS) may be well-stocked in pretty people, but aside from the great clothes, a whole lot of not-pretty is ahead. Just warning you.

Highlights from meet-the-characters: Trish Wellington, bride-to-be, and groom, Henry Dunn (Christopher Gorham, “Ugly Betty”). He and Trish exchange “I love yous” from different deck levels, and the chemistry’s good. Whether they’ll be single or married, alive or dead come the finale July 2, it’s hard to say.

You know how the bride and groom’s families usually hit a snag? That would be Trish’s father, super-rich Thomas Wellington, played by Richard Burgi. He also played a doting dad in FOX’s short-lived “Point Pleasant.” (She was a daughter of Satan! He was a son of God! They fell in love! … But it didn’t work out.) Thomas clashes with Marty, the groom’s uncle, (Harry Hamlin, TV movie megaman) who bursts onto the scene with a mariachi band and a lot of concealer. Thomas and Uncle Marty smile and seethe across the crowd. Cut to Uncle Marty in a restroom shortly thereafter, downing pills and rustling through a suitcase with $100 bills and a gun. As one of groom Henry’s last two living relatives, he looks like he’s flirting with a short lifespan.

The bride speculates about the whereabouts of Cousin Ben, who’s holding up the voyage to Harper’s Island for a weeklong wedding extravaganza. Do you want to know where Cousin Ben is? Are you sure? Well, underneath the ship, some poor day player is trussed up disturbingly close to a giant propeller and emoting via whatever oxygen supply is secured, by mask, to his face. Skipped the bachelor party? Never a wise idea.

Enter CBS heroine, back seat of taxi, stage right. She’s doing the plain-Jane hair-tied-back, modest-apparel routine so that we know she’s a Nice Girl. Abby Mills (actress Elaine Cassidy, not the former Lawrence Journal-World news clerk) helpfully narrates with the driver that she grew up at Harper’s Island; groom Henry is her “best friend” and that something “really horrible” happened before she left for L.A. She gathers her nerves to join the party, and they’re ready to set sail.

Uh oh! The captain starts pushing buttons, and Most Valuable Day Player Angry Propeller starts moving toward a hysterical Cousin Ben. This promises to be ugly. And it is. I was a little shocked to see that scene on primetime, even for the post-“C.S.I.” crowd. And as we cut (sorry) to a wide shot of the yacht setting sail, the water behind it turns red, a la “The Ring.”

Then, opening credits, concluding with a voice-over: “Harper’s Island. Sponsored by: Kohl’s.” YES! Somebody accustomed to Expecting Great Things lost their job Friday.

Back on the yacht: The wedding party, starting with the groomsmen: Malcolm, Danny and Sully, a fraternity of manly clichés. Then the bridesmaids, led by Chloe Carter (Cameron Richardson, “Point Pleasant.” It was about pre-apocalyptic teen love! And it had an “American Idol” lead-in! … But it didn’t work out.) Chloe fills in the island’s back story — someone went on a murder rampage, and Plain-Jane Abby’s mother was one of his victims. The gossip is cut short when a seagull dive-bombs amid the in-crowd, giving them an excuse to change into new, modestly priced frocks.

Bride-to-be Trish checks her phone in hopes of hearing from Cousin Ben. Instead, she receives a message from “Hunter Jennings.” She looks lustfully concerned.

The yacht docks at an appropriately scenic/isolated locale. Abby is scarcely on solid ground when Freddie Prinze Jr. from “I Know What You Did Last Summer” welcomes her back home. Wait! No, that’s Jimmy Mance (C.J. Thomason), also playing an adorable fisherman. He’s crazy about Abby. She’s flirtatious but ambivalent. She may have a wedding to break up and a mass murder to solve.

Abby splits from the other guests to walk through the woods, never a good idea on CBS. She has a flashback of finding her mother hanging from a tree. Abby’s comforted by groom/just-friend Henry, who had followed her, and they’re unaware of a semi-hidden figure wielding something with a large handle. Nothing sinister about that.

Back from commercial, the gang sets up at Candlewick Inn, where they’ll be “the only guests for the week.” Unlikely. The remaining key characters get some screen time: Englishman Cal (I love him) wants to propose to the fickle Chloe, she of the menacing abs, which will make several gratuitous appearances. Cal mopes over a huge engagement ring while taking a bath, and Chloe scampers around in cute unmentionables, also possibly from a certain department store chain.

Cut to Freddie Prinze Jr.-fisherman Jimmy, who helps some men on the dock with a line that is caught on something under the yacht. Oh, don’t look, Jimmy! He jumps in the water and reaches under the boat to untangle the line from Cousin Ben, whose remains remain undetected. Gil Grissom would never have missed this.

Trish’s sister, Shea, preens on an inn balcony and worries over creepy prankster daughter Miranda, who is trying set a slug on fire with a magnifying glass. All right. Now I’m rooting for that kid.

Cut to groom Henry and Uncle Marty, who advises him never to let father-in-law Thomas intimidate him even though Henry used to just be the summer help at the docks. Uncle Marty speaks as though this will be his last paternal exchange with Henry. Make a note of that.

Cut to domineering dad, Thomas, who reads an e-mail from HJ about “reaching her tonight.” Is he also exchanging messages with Hunter Jennings, a more suitably named and financially situated paramour for Trish? Thomas looks lustfully concerned.

My patience is tested when we cut to Abby changing for dinner. She endures a menacing prank call while standing in her … black, lacy underwear. See, while watching a well-camouflaged Plain Jane in the first quarter-hour, the audience must ultimately decide whether to bond with her character and care about her development as a human being. Seeing Abby in she-skivvies helps the audience sense her vulnerability as a person and perhaps empathize with her well-toned persona. Or, possibly, she was modeling some more of the show sponsor’s apparel.

Dinner. Abby has donned a red strapless dress, which she will later cover with a jacket, like Julia Roberts in “Mystic Pizza,” meeting up with spurned fisherman Jimmy, like in “Mystic Pizza,” in order to play a spicy game of pool, like in “Mystic Pizza.” For now, her entrance inspires a discussion by Chloe and the in-crowd about whether men and women can just be friends. Perhaps you can guess where Chloe stands on this one. Bride-to-be Trish abandons the chit-chat to answer a text-message summons from Hunter to meet him in the lobby. She’s off like a Kohl’s prom … oh, never mind. Hunter looks handsome, brooding and expendable. Trish clearly wants him, but she’s engaged, so go away now, please. Maybe? She’ll have a good cry about her mixed feelings with sister Shea, who ought to be supervising Mad Scientist Miranda.

The dinner party has turned to dancing. Groomsmen Larry, Moe and Curly talk up more beer, babes and bachelorhood, all topics that seem to set off crazed killers, FYI. The bridesmaids are wrapping up a discussion about infidelity when Abby joins them, leading one to ask her whether she had ever hooked up with groom Henry. Well, if she had, wouldn’t this show be on FOX? Henry conveniently interrupts them in search of his “psycho brother,” J.D. Abby says she’ll see whether J.D. is at the local tavern.

Uncle Marty, out for a stroll, overhears Thomas and dashing Hunter talking about plans to reclaim Trish. Later, Uncle Marty will bum a cigar off Thomas and let him know he will ensure Henry makes it to the altar with Trish sans interference. Thomas smirks elegantly as though he knows Uncle Marty won’t be a family threat much longer.

Abby finds Henry’s brother, J.D., at the tavern, then banters and bargains with Freddie Prinze Jr.-Jimmy over a pool game until J.D. gets in a fight. Sheriff Mills puts a stop to the action, and Abby offers a “hi, Dad.” Oops! Welcome home!

Young Miranda is out past her bedtime and scampers off with Cousin Ben’s unclaimed bag of party favors. He certainly won’t need the complimentary shampoo.

Englishman Cal and fickle Chloe, marriage proposal, skinny-dipping. Something here is not romantic. Cal is ready to pop the question again when Chloe scampers to the shoreline, her abs mocking him: “Not! Ready! To settle down!” Underwater hijinks ensue, Chloe gets angry, and she tosses Cal’s pants in the water. Uh-oh! Technically, the show’s second victim is the ring.

Henry and Trish have just wrapped up some pre-newlywed shenanigans, and she glows her way off set just as her phone rings. Feeling comfortably proprietary, Henry checks her phone. Yikes! Hunter calling. Terrible juxtaposition: “Hey, honey? I was thinking, um, maybe we should get separate rooms until the night of our wedding. That way, it will be special.” By all means, in any horror production, go with separate rooms. That will end well.

Cut to Uncle Marty, ambling in the woods way too late at night. You’d think Harry Hamlin would be in at least a three-episode contract, but … a few bridge planks collapse, and he’s caught at the waist, unable to free himself. Somebody has been waiting for Uncle Marty and duly disposes of him from beneath the bridge. It’s less gruesome than the opening scene, but we’re left with an uneasy impression that if Harry Hamlin can’t have more than a two-week break from Lisa Rinna, then, well, no one’s safe. Exit Uncle Marty.

Final scene: Abby finds an article about her mother’s murder taped to her bathroom mirror. She rips it down. She’s no “Point Pleasant” Cristina, daughter of Satan, ready to bring the world down to its knees, but mark my words, she’s a devil in a red dress, red dress, red dress, devil with a red dress on. Stay tuned.

Check out show and cast details as well as a parallel “Harper’s Island” storyline at www.harpersglobe.net.