To the editor:
I wish to announce the upcoming season of a production of what I consider to be an important work of art.
It draws attention to modern noisy and smelly and ultimately planet-destroying practices of cutting grass by using a simple push mower pushed back and forth and, on alternate weeks, pushed forth and back.
No fossil fuels will be harmed in the production of this artistic endeavor, but I sincerely regret that some chickens will have been inhumanely treated to fuel the artist. But not enough to stop eating them.
I hope the Academy will not take this too seriously in evaluating my artistic work for the recognition it truly deserves.
Also, to whom it may concern, please consider this my grant application. I did not realize that funding might be available for my art — this piece which I have been performing for many years now without an audience and which I now invite to come by and view.
Audience members will be encouraged to take a push themselves on the old mower and bond with the artist, although I am aware this will be considered by some to be somewhat derivative. Apologies, Mr. Twain.
I have another tool of art in my garage that I have done some very expressive work with in my yard — also for free. It is called a spade.