To the editor:

Coming soon to a pharmacy to you: free artificial hormones. These tiny pills may cause nausea, headaches, breast tenderness, weight gain, irregular bleeding, mood changes, decreased libido, kidney and liver damage, liver disease, increased blood pressure, blood clots, heart attack and stroke, especially if you smoke or take other medication, but as long as you take one at the same time every day, 365 days a year, you will likely be protected from a worse disease: pregnancy.

If you manage to fall victim to this dreaded situation, we can get rid of your little mistake with an abortion. On the off chance the abortion fails or you decide to give birth to your mistake and then you don’t like it after all, we have people working on after-birth abortion. Remember, the more people there are in the world, the less opportunity you have to get everything you deserve in life.

And be sure you don’t get confused with the natural family planning movement. These people do not use pills and have a 0.2 percent divorce rate, happier marriages, greater satisfaction in their daily lives, more marital relations, deeper intimacy and deeper levels of communication, among other undesirable qualities, as found by sociologist Dr. Robert Lerner from the University of Chicago. Talk about stifling! Don’t these people know sexual appetites can’t be restrained or restricted?

Remember, ARTIFICIAL hormones. Because we can control life!