To the editor:

As are most, if not all, citizens of Douglas County, I am relieved that a solution has been reached to keep the local SRS office open. However, since this has been achieved by the substitution of local dollars for those of the state of Kansas, I am concerned that an unfortunate precedent may have been set. Consider, for example, possible future headlines in this very newspaper:

July 7, 2019 — ZOMBIE THREAT IMMINENT!

A spokesman for Gov. Kris Kobach announced today that, due to budgetary constraints, the state would not be able to afford any protection to Douglas County from invading hordes of flesh-eating alien zombies from Missouri. When asked by a reporter why Johnson County, which is on the border, will be protected while Douglas County is not, the spokesman replied, “As President Palin would say, ‘Geography is overrated.'” Douglas County is therefore on its own in this crisis.

July 31, 2019 — VICTORY!

Without any aid from the state of Kansas, the residents of Douglas County have been able to repel the alien host, led by an even larger group of the homeless, local Democratic politicians and former KU football coaches. Gov. Kobach’s office immediately issued a press release praising the effort as “an example of the kind of local initiative which has made this state what it is today.” You read it here first.