To the editor:

Why would I want to buy $700 billion in bad investments? Isn’t that why these companies went under in the first place? Now you want me to take their mistakes off their hands? Why would I do that? Can’t I take my money elsewhere and buy, say, good investments? No? OK, how about you use the money you’re taking from me to buy, say, good investments? No? Rats.

OK, well, since I don’t seem to have much of a choice here I’d like to know a couple other things about the products you’re forcing me to buy. 1) Just how much, how many shares that is, am I actually going to get out of the deal? 2) When do I ge: what’s that? I’m not getting any shares out of the deal? What? I’m buying the darn things and I don’t get any of the shares? Oh, so they’ll keep the shares to themselves. I see. Rats.

OK, then that may or may not affect question three, which is: 3) When do I get my first dividend check, and are statements mailed quarterly or … what’s that? I don’t get any dividends? Rats.

So let me get this straight. I HAVE to buy billions of dollars in bad investments, don’t get to own any of the company I’m buying, and don’t get any return if they use my money to turn things around and make a profit?

Can I just buy some Treasury bonds instead? No? Could I convince you I’m too big to fail? No?

Rats.

Fred R. Whitehead III,
Lawrence