To the editor:

There’s been considerable grumbling that big financial institutions are being bailed out of their subprime mortgage problems while individual homeowners are losing their houses.

It doesn’t have to be this way! Homeowners can take a page from the big banks’ playbook by just following these steps.

First, declare that you’re moving your mortgage, car, and credit card loans “off your books.” Then with your shiny new balance sheet, contact the credit agencies and ask that they revise your credit rating to conform to your new debt-free condition. Having obtained an essentially perfect credit rating, apply for home equity loan on your home. If anyone inquires about other debt or expresses any reservations at all, simply say the words, “leverage; it’ll be OK.” They’ll understand.

When the home equity windfall arrives, the first thing you should do is reward yourself for your financial acumen by paying yourself a huge bonus. Let your new wealth start trickling down to those less fortunate by buying whatever you want.

At some point you may become a little confused about exactly what you own and what you owe. This is normal; do not lose sleep over it. If any lenders eventually become completely unreasonable and threatening, see if the Fed won’t help you out. After all, who could possibly have predicted that this scheme wouldn’t work?

Oliver Finney,

Lawrence