It started after she had a big fight with her mom.

“I was really mad at her and I was squeezing my arms really hard,” she said. “It hurt, but I noticed it sort of helped calm me down.”

Within a few weeks, she was cutting herself.

At first, she used her fingernails.

Then a safety pin.

Then, finally, a pair of scissors.

“It was sort of a gradual thing,” she said. “To get the same effect I had to use more severe means. Nobody told me how to do it. I figured it out on my own.”

She was 13. Now in high school in Lawrence, she asked to remain anonymous.

She started cutting while in the eighth grade.

“It made me feel powerful,” she said. “It made me feel like I could conquer physical pain. It was something I didn’t think everybody could do. It gave me a sense of control.

“It was like this big adrenaline rush,” she said. “When you do it, your heart starts pumping really hard. It feels like you just ran a mile.”

At first, she cut herself “pretty much anywhere,” she said. Before long, she left her arms alone.

“They were more noticeable,” she said. “So I did it on my stomach and on my hips — places no one would see.”

She hid her cutting for three years. “I kept it secret for a long time,” she said, “but it got to the point where I couldn’t control it. It was controlling me. That’s when I told my parents.”

Stress that leaves scars (04-25-05) Double Take: Adolescents who self-harm need alternative outlet for emotions (04-12-05) Bert Nash Center

She and her parents sought professional help. “It’s not an easy thing to stop doing,” she said. “After you start (cutting), you think about doing it every time you get a little upset. It’s very sadistic — to see how deep you can cut yourself when you’re mad. It’s addictive.”

Some of her friends have had to go the emergency room for stitches.

“I never cut myself that deep,” she said, “though there was one time I had use some medical wrap –gauze and tape, you know — to stop the bleeding.”

Now 17, she hasn’t cut herself for four months.

“I still think about it in stressful situations, but not as much,” she said. “I think of other ways to handle stress.”

Her advice to those who cut?

“Try to work up the courage to tell somebody, to get help,” she said. “I know (cutting) seems like a good route to take at that point in time, but at some point in the future, you’re still going to have to deal with all that emotional stuff you’ve been covering up. So the scarring isn’t worth it.”