To the editor:
Progressive Lawrence welcomes all residents and provides information on the neighborhood watch program for our citizens. The city politburo (oops, commission) will provide you a list of pertinent phone numbers to call various response personnel so that you can effectively report on the activities of your neighbors. If their grass is too long, their dog may be tied up too long, they possess fireworks, or there is smoking going on, just call these numbers and highly paid response personnel will come out and confront these nonconforming neighbors, guiding them back to the path the "progressive" people of Lawrence have determined is best for everyone.
The list of contacts is not as complete as needed, since there are many issues of public health and safety still to address, like stemming the epidemic of obesity in Lawrence by controlling what food stuffs are sold in town and approving the menus of restaurants according to a sanctioned dietary list, or reducing injuries and pollution in Lawrence by controlling which vehicles can be operated in town based on injuries, operator age, noise, etc. Many pressing social issues need addressing, including cat de-clawing practices.
PL (Progressive Lawrence) knows it can count on you to inform on your friends and neighbors and your continued support creating the Lawrence that PL wants; the Lawrence that progressively tells you what your personal responsibilities are, how to run your business and life, and progressively increases your taxes to pay for its plans for your future.
Hope you enjoy your stay in our little burg.