When it comes to pregnancy, people lie. That is, until you’re pregnant yourself. Then the truth magically comes out of people. My cousin, who is 15 weeks pregnant, messaged me this week to say that her morning sickness not only hasn’t gone away like people said it would, but it has now escalated to the point where she’s vomiting. I chuckled to myself at the fact that yet another pregnancy lie was being exposed to her. It’s cruel, yes, but you just can’t know all of the horrible, terrifying, and scary things that happen to your body when you’re pregnant — until you are. Part of the reason is because: 1. You don’t care to listen to pregnancy talk until you’re pregnant yourself and 2. Veteran moms don’t tell you out of fear that the world’s population will plummet in the future.

I’m going to break a rule here. A large number of my very good friends are currently pregnant or trying to get pregnant and I’d feel like a huge jerk if I didn’t give them the tiniest heads up. You’re welcome, friends. Here are five pregnancy truths that no one bothered to tell me before I jumped on the crazy train.

1. You won’t have the “glow”.
Nope. That’s sweat. Even in January. You will be hot all the time. I was pregnant with both of my girls through very cold Kansas winters and I rarely wore a coat. I wore a tank top and shorts to bed in mid-winter and still woke up sweating. You will sweat, sweat, and sweat some more. As someone who is normally cold all the time, I thought this one wouldn’t apply to me. Ha! Not so.

2. Your hair will be thick and shiny.
This one is true. Between prenatal vitamins and the hormones coursing through your body that make your head shed less hair during pregnancy, your hair will look fantastic. What they don’t tell you is that just a few weeks after you have your baby, that awesome hair is going to look not awesome glogging your shower drain. For some women, it even falls out in clumps postpartum. Then, you get to have the fun tiny crazy hairs all over your head when it all grows back in.

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3. You won’t be able to enjoy these last months alone.
It’s the last time you’ll truly be able to be fully productive and enjoy things that you love like reading, watching your favorite shows, and shopping alone. You know how you’ll spend this time? Sleeping or complaining that you can’t sleep. You’ll be so exhausted from the moment you pee on that stick until forever that you won’t have the energy to do anything you should be doing.

4. Don’t get sick.
For real, don’t. When you’re pregnant, there is a very long list of medications you can’t take and a very tiny list of the ones you can. And even if the thing you take is on the “Okay” list, you’ll still worry that it will cause your baby to grow a third arm. So basically, you’ll just be extra miserable on top of the fact that you’re swollen, uncomfortable and spending most of your time in the bathroom already.

5. You don’t get to eat for two.
Yeah, you’re feeding two humans, but don’t eat soft cheese, cookie dough, cake batter, fish, sushi, cider, unpasteurized juice, chicken salad from the store, sprouts, lunch meat, hot dogs, sunny side up eggs, eggnog, homemade ice cream, rare steak, and smoked seafood. Then, when you find something you CAN eat, you’re only supposed to gain between 25 and 35 pounds. Um, I gained 60 pounds with each child and someone was going to die if they took away cookie dough covered beaters. Just sayin’.

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It’s not all bad though. You get to come home from the nine (actually closer to 10) months of crazy with a tiny, perfect person who you’ll love more than you knew was possible. Also? Maternity pants. You wear those babies with pride. They are the most comfortable things EVER. They are my new Thanksgiving pants. Extra points if you know where I got that idea.