To the editor:

Since the passage of the Big, Beautiful Pile of Garbage, pundits have pondered how so many die-hard Republicans were persuaded to vote for massively increased deficits. Thanks to a source of mine in the White House (“Creepthroat”), I can now share the details of the Faustian bargain those legislators struck with the Orange Ogre.

On expenditures, there was a three-part deal. First, massive (illegal) cuts to items already passed into law (e.g., Department of Education). Second, elimination of entire bureaus, regardless of the human cost (FEMA). Third, wholesale axing of many popular programs in the upcoming budget (Bye-bye, Big Bird).

As to revenues, the only possible source is tariffs, which is why the last few days have seen a frenzy of outrageous announcements that will send the economies of our allies into recession, along of course with our own.

What can be done? Well, the easiest way would be for a handful of Republican legislators to stand up for what is right. If you believe that will happen, I have a bridge I would like to sell you. Less likely but more effective would be for our biggest trading partners to unite, rather than getting picked off one by one. Together the EU, Canada, Mexico and Japan constitute over half of our trade. If they stand together, what can he do? While it is a sad fact that he is a bully, he is also a coward.

Gentlemen, Herren, Senores, Messieurs, Shinshi — Just say no!

Jeff Southard,

Lawrence