Dear Dr. Wes and Kyra:

My teenagers seem scared to commit to any kind of relationship. They don’t want to put a label on anything so everything is casual. You said last week on the Fox 4 morning show that kids are practicing now for future relationships. If that’s true, are my kids ever going to commit to anything?

Wes: It’s easy to say, “Don’t worry, they’ll grow into better relationships eventually,” but I think your question is too sophisticated for that quick and happy (and improbable) answer. I’ve been trying to keep up with this trend for much of my career and for the entire duration of this column.

Initially, we saw teen girls and young adult women lower their expectations for what guys needed to put into a relationship to expect sexual involvement. This left many girls to tolerate the “guy model” of sex without relationship or face being outside the dating pool. That further reinforced guys for being non-committal. Lately, however, a fair number of girls are taking this a step further and discounting relationships themselves, showing a preference for casual hook ups as opposed to using sex as a tool to engage willing partners.

Dr. Wes Crenshaw and Kyra Haas

Just as you propose, this leaves us with even more poorly defined relationships than ever before. We’ve always had the “where do we stand?” conversation in dating. Today that’s called DTR (define the relationship), and in many cases, it ends with a flat-out “no” from one partner or the other. This idea, that a relationship is just a label, and one to be avoided at that, is troubling for exactly the reason you cite. It practices teens on how to be disconnected from each other.

Instead, I propose teaching kids from preschool on that “a relationship” isn’t a label but an agreement between two people on how they will behave toward each other. Like any contract, you set your terms so everyone knows what’s to be expected. If, as your kids grew into adolescence, we then applied that to romantic relationships, teens would be free to ignore the big “label” and focus instead on making honest agreements.

I’ve been deploying this strategy with some success, suggesting teens state to a reluctant partner, “Hey, I don’t care what you call this, you and I need to decide if we’re exclusive, casual, saying we’re a couple, or what.” In this way, I hope we can start to reclaim the term “relationship” and give it the respect it deserves without scaring the many teens who now see real live dating as akin to a romantic zombie apocalypse.

Kyra: Casual is the norm. Many of today’s teens believe that sex is not indicative of a meaningful relationship, that all genders can have intercourse without emotional attachment and that virginity is simply a social construct.

With those ideas becoming mainstream, the teen dating world cannot help but be changed, even in the last 10-15 years. So, your teen is not alone in his or her casual participation in the “hook-up” culture.

While personally interested in monogamy, I think it’s important to accept that isn’t the only choice, and as long as your child is at or above the age of consent, your ability to limit his or her interests is itself limited.

I’m not saying you hand your kids some contraceptives and send them on their way with a hug and a wave. Parents should impart their personal relationship values and practices to their children. However, that requires actually having real conversations about the subject, and not simply expecting ninth grade Health class to take the wheel and steer your children clear of catastrophe. Talking with your children about the implications and aftermath of intimacy should not be retrospective.

Remember, too, that “catastrophe” isn’t necessarily any relationship you don’t approve of. Consent is the key, even if that consent is understood as just for a night or “with no strings attached.” It’s your job to help your teens understand what consent is and is not. Even when values differ, lend an open, nonjudgmental ear, and you’ll find it gets you further than militant helicopter parenting, regardless of how your teen decides to engage in intimacy.

Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Kyra Haas is a Free State High School senior who blogs at justfreakinghaasome.wordpress.com. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.