Dear Dr. Wes & Kyra:

Our daughter is a freshman in an out-of-state college. She recently complained to us that we are “stalking her” by texting her too frequently. The way we see it, she refuses to call us or keep in contact so we’re reaching out. We’re happy she’s enjoying college, but we feel she owes us a little more information.

Kyra: Ping! My phone sends out a trill text message notification for the third time in the last 30 minutes. My friend rolls her eyes. “Is that your mom AGAIN?”

I’m not in college yet, and I’m not saying my mom is too involved, but she does call and text me enough that my friends all can easily identify her customized ringtone. In the future that could become a real problem.

I don’t know how many texts your daughter considers “stalking” but according to research by Barbara Hofer, psychology professor at Middlebury College and author of “The iConnected Parent,” parents communicate with their college-aged children an average of 13 times a week.

Newer methods of communication–cellphone calls, emails, text messages, Skype, etc.–open doors for the parents of Generation Y to live out their helicopter parenting fantasies more fully than ever before.

Of course, college-aged kids are interacting with everyone more nowadays. A 2011 survey of 2,500 college students reported that, on average, students send 95 texts a day and receive about 104. We can assume most are not from their parents.

When your child goes off to college or moves out, all communication needn’t be limited to a monthly phone call or email. However, you must strike a fine balance for these interactions and the form they take.

Don’t let your kids use you as their personal Google or Wikipedia to look up answers to questions they could answer themselves. Don’t act on their plea for you to talk to a professor for them. Don’t send them reminders to do their laundry or wear deodorant. If you continue treating them like you did when they were 14, they will throw away their big kid pants and stay dependent well into adulthood.

Occasionally text your children and ask how their day went. Call them when you know they’re not hanging out with friends, studying for a big exam or sitting in class. Let them taste the independence they’ve been craving, and don’t hinder it by freely pouring out your sage wisdom and life experience in 160-character text message segments. Believe me, they’ll thank you later.

Wes: Two years ago a young woman from Overland Park successfully obtained a no-stalking order after her parents demanded she allow them to watch her sleep on Skype, installed spyware on her computer to monitor her whereabouts, and went to her school in Ohio to warn that they might need to have her committed to a mental institution. The school testified on this star student’s behalf.

So, by comparison, your daughter has very little to complain about, and I doubt your texting pattern will result in any court action. But that little story has a lesson to teach us all about differentiation.

Differentiation (or individuation) is what family psychologists call the process by which each us become physically and emotionally independent. Without a doubt, the most important step in that process is going on right now for your daughter–leaving home. Just as Kyra warns, if you don’t help your daughter on that journey, she’ll either rebel against you or let her anxiety (or yours) prevent her from getting her own life.

Just because you can communicate with someone every minute of the day by multiple methods, doesn’t mean you should. Try and respect the boundary she’s setting here. It may seem trite to you, but, for your daughter, receiving multiple texts a day probably seems intrusive, and, in response, she’s probably less inclined to communicate.

Tell her you’ve “gotten the message” so to speak and that you’ll make her a deal: If you agree to text her for only the most important issues (choose wisely), she’ll agree to a 30-minute video chat every Wednesday morning or whatever time is convenient.

That way your daughter can work on differentiation while still communicating efficiently and effectively with you.

Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Kyra Haas is a Free State High School senior who blogs at justfreakinghaasome.wordpress.com. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.