Dear Dr. Wes and Kyra:

I’m an eighteen-year-old girl. Two years ago I had a guy best friend. One night we were at a party and there was some drinking and we had sex. I guess I had more feelings for him than I realized because the following week I started texting him a lot and wanting to spend time together and he just ignored me. It ruined our friendship, and I haven’t talked to him since. The other day he messaged me. I find myself wondering if I should forgive him and make peace.

Kyra: You can deal with this situation one of two ways: ignore his message and continue the silence maintained over the last couple years, or respond to his text and forgive him.

The first option is easier than the second, and perhaps the one this guy is expecting. There’s nothing wrong with ignoring him. You don’t owe him anything, and even if he feels a twinge of guilt now does not mean you have to run to him open-armed and alleviate it.

However, while the first tack is perfectly acceptable, your letter leads me to believe that the second appeals more to you, even though it’s more difficult. Forgiveness, especially when undeserved, helps both parties feel better by releasing pent-up remorse and emotion regarding the incident.

That being said, forgiveness in this case should take the form of a kindly worded response or a brief, friendly in-person exchange. Not much more.

If you’re looking for that best friend relationship you had with this guy two years ago, I’m betting it won’t happen for a couple reasons. Outside of a romantic relationship, friendship with a previous intimate partner is close to impossible.

After two years, he’s probably not the same guy with whom you hung out. Think about how much you’ve changed since 16. Chances are, he has, too. That doesn’t mean you should try again because you’re “older and wiser.” It means you can both use the knowledge and experience gained since the night of that party to end the relationship responsibly.

Wes: Over the years I’ve worked with hundreds of clients who were the victims of all kinds of injustice. While infidelity was the most common, low-consent sex was a close second. Nearly all of those incidents involved alcohol, a surprising number occurred between friends and most were, just as you describe, very confusing.

There are a couple of issues here. The first is whether an injustice occurred. You both drank and unwisely had sex. There’s no indication that anyone said “no,” but as frequent readers of this column know, we judge consent by how clearly people said “yes” and whether anyone had capacity to say it at all. Either way, your sexual encounter wasn’t what upset you. It’s the fact that your friend rejected you romantically afterwards. For me, that doesn’t constitute an offense on his part, just standard issue bad teen relationship communication in which you both played a part.

The second issue is whether you should forgive him, and if so, what for. Your letter (I have a longer version than we could publish) suggests your friend is primarily guilty of being insensitive in the aftermath of the sexual encounter. However, from his perspective you offered a relationship he hadn’t agreed to and became upset with him when he didn’t want to go there. By failing to resolve the dispute when it happened, neither of you did a great job of being friends.

Conflict, hurt, and misunderstanding happen in any friendship, especially when people could also be viable dating partners (i.e., they are each in the other’s attraction profile). In your case, I think forgiveness and reconciliation are overdue, along with some clarification of the boundaries and why violating them turned out so badly.

Kyra is correct. The relationship may never be the same, but that’s not really the point. Working toward forgiveness is important in moving past any injustice. It may take many years if the injustice is grave, but ultimately forgiveness means letting go of the pain and sadness associated with the relationship and starting anew. We tend to think of that as releasing the offender from the mistake, but in reality it’s releasing the victim from the unhealthy attachment he or she has to the injustice and to the offender.