Dear Dr. Wes & Julia: When I entered junior high, I became more comfortable with the whole idea of dating. But the more guys I got to know, the more I was being asked the same question over and over again. Before the guy would fully make up his mind about going out with me he would ask if I was “prude.” If I say yes, then he won’t go out with me. If I say no, then I’m giving them the wrong impression about me as a person. It seems like their whole decision is based on that one question. Worse, I’m not sure exactly what “prude” means. For now, I just start to talk about something else and avoid having to answer altogether. But, it always seems to come back up in conversation. Are all girls in junior high and high school being asked the same question and being put under the same stress because they aren’t sure how to answer the question?

Wes: I did some research on this blunt little gem and found it more of a junior high thing, and that it may well diminish in high school. Yet, I also found an even more direct version of this question when querying some college girls I see. At that age guys simply ask if the girl “is a sexual person” or something along those lines. My informants indicate that being “prude” could mean refusing to engage in any sexual behavior from making out on up, but in this context it probably implies your openness to more introductory contact. However, I hope you’ll read on before you choose to check the “no” box.

One of the biggest problems I see in the age 13 to 25 crowd is a serious lack of clarity and definition in dating relationships. We’ll further discuss this in another column, but for now let’s just say one person’s “making out” is another person’s “pretty close to sex,” if you get my drift. So were I you, I’d be interviewing my potential boyfriends just as rigorously as they seem to want to interview you. There’s nothing wrong with getting the boundaries and intentions straight up front – and that means having a clear picture of what each of you is talking about. Remember, nothing is ever what it is; it’s what meaning we assign to it. So your job is to figure out for each and every person who asks, what it is that they consider prudish or not and then decide if you want to be with that person.

That said, I think putting a girl through an interview to see if she’ll engage in sexual activity is pretty sketchy – especially if the only answer he’ll accept is “sure, I’d love to make out (or have sex) with you.” I’m probably getting old, but I yearn for the days when boys had to work at it a little bit. At this point, far too many girls aren’t taking such questions as seriously as you are – so guess what? Boys aren’t either. Your letter suggests that we’re really moving into a kind of market-based dating culture where you want to know exactly what your getting before you commit yourself. While a frank discussion of these issues is valuable in any relationship, being rejected because you won’t perform as some guy wants you to is degrading to you and to him. So I applaud you for taking this seriously. You may end up with fewer boyfriend notches on your belt, but each one will be a better experience.

Julia: I did my own research and found two very different definitions: “Prude: a person who is excessively proper or modest in speech, conduct, dress, etc.” (dictionary.com).

“Prude: a guy or girl who’s afraid to do anything sexual or kinda shy around the opposite sex” (urbandictionary.com).

I would consider myself something pretty near a prude … the former definition, not the latter. I am reserved and modest in my ways, was raised to be a polite person and I respect myself for it. However, as with the phrases “hook up” or “conservative,” “prudes” meaning has been modified from something that was once respectable to some sort of classification system.

Being asked, “Are you a prude?” is really a cowardly way of questioning your sexual feelings, intentions and promiscuity. It makes the person asking feel safe because it turns it into a yes or no question – no feelings involved. Even if it isn’t asked in this manner, this question has been, is, and always will be asked by people too immature or inexperienced to phrase it any other way.

The person asking this sort of question is trying to find out how far you will go physically without embarrassing themselves and trying to actually have that conversation. It is a rude way to ask, but the asker is probably not intending to hurt your feelings, just save their own. One way to ward off this sort of question when it pops is by taking the high road and ending the conversation by saying that you aren’t comfortable being asked that sort of thing at this point. You can also, as gently as possible, question what the other person is really trying to ask. This kind of response can itself mark you as a “prude” but if prude means a mature, level-headed person aware of their own standards, then so be it. Outside pressures and indirect questions should not pressure you away from you own expectations in another person.

Next Week: Too young for tattoos?