I went away to college and then came home to live again. I’ll admit there is tension between my parents and me, but we’d be OK if they would just accept me as a full-fledged adult. Why can’t they see that I’m grown and let me live my own life?

Leaving home and then coming back is called “the elastic nest,” and as you’re finding, it can very difficult. You’ve been on your own you’ve made your decisions and controlled your own life. You’ve changed dramatically during your time away, but you returned to find that your parents had not. They are just like you left them. They want to tell you how to run your life what to eat, what to wear, which friends to cultivate, etc. It is a formula for combat.

I understand your situation because I’ve been through it. My parents handled me wisely in my late teen years, and it was rare for them to stumble into common parental mistakes. That is, however, exactly what happened when I was 19 years old. We had been a very close-knit family and it was difficult for my mother to shift gears when I graduated from high school.

During that summer, I traveled 1,500 miles from home and entered a college in California. I will never forget the exhilarating feeling of freedom that swept over me that fall. It was not that I wanted to do anything evil or forbidden. It was simply that I felt accountable for my own life and did not have to explain my actions to anyone. It was like a fresh, cool breeze on a spring morning. Young adults who have not been properly prepared for that moment sometimes go berserk, but I remained rather sane. I did, however, quickly become addicted to freedom and was not about to give it up.

The following summer, I came home to visit my folks. Immediately, I found myself in conflict with my mom. She was not intentionally insulting. She simply responded as she had done a year earlier when I was still in high school. But by then, I had journeyed down the road toward independence. She was asking me what time I would be coming in at night and urging me to drive the car safely and advising me about what I ate. No offense was intended. My mother had just failed to notice that I had changed and she needed to get with the new program.

Finally, there was a flurry of words between us, and I left the house in a huff. A friend came by to pick me up, and I talked about my feelings as we rode in the car. “Darn it, Bill!” I said. “I don’t need a mother anymore.”

Then a wave of guilt swept over me. It was as though I had said, “I don’t love my mother anymore.” I meant no such thing. What I was feeling was a desire to be friends with my parents instead of accepting their authority over me. Freedom was granted very quickly thereafter.

I hope you will be a bit more patient with your parents than I was with mine. I was only 19 years old, and I wanted it all. I should have given them another year to adjust. Your mom and dad will also change their thinking if you give them a little time. They’ll accept you as an adult much quicker if you’ll get out on your own and establish an independent life for yourself.