So the football situation is stinking things up in my casa. Chiefs and Jayhawks alike have made my home a fairly unhappy one since the onset of Mr. Meat and Potatoes’ most favorite time of the year.

I, for one, could not give a flying fork about football, but whatever happens in that world affects me anyway, whether I like it or not, in the form of a grumpy husband who doesn’t emerge from the basement for days on end, weeping over the state of his teams and his fantasy football situation, which is, apparently, also not good.

All I can do is try to provide necessary sustenance and hopefully a little bit of levity to the situation. My walking in with a plate of freshly made soft pretzels and cheese is a welcome distraction. My jokes about the “outfits” of the visiting team, not so much. Likewise not appreciated are my high school cheerleading moves which somehow aren’t as cute now that I don’t weigh 102 lbs sopping wet. Still, I plug on. We do what we have to do in the face of adversity, and all that.

Oh, but the pretzels. They were a joy. A beacon of light in the darkness of a sad football weekend. I recommend right now that you make them for whomever you know and love that is suffering from football fatigue.

I will tell you right now that pretzel purists will find this recipe infuriating. I substituted baking soda for lye, and I didn’t have any pretzel salt. Because, you know, I decide to do things on a whim and if my local store doesn’t carry it? Nevermind. I can’t be ordering things weeks in advance. I am just not that organized.

So, armed with baking soda and kosher salt, I set out to make a soft pretzel to soften my husband’s football-hardened heart.

Start by making dough. I wanted to make a lot of pretzels (they freeze pretty well) so I made a big amount of dough. That means I had to mix it in the KitchenAid in two batches.

2 packages rapid-rise yeast
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup molasses
2 teaspoons salt
6 cups bread flour (I recommend King Arthur – blue label)
2 cup warm water
2 tablespoons olive oil

Put all the ingredients into the bowl of your stand mixer and combine on low speed. Then remove half of the dough and set aside in a bowl coated with cooking spray. Put the dough hook on the mixer and mix on low for about five minutes to “knead”. The dough will be extremely stretchy. This is a good thing.

Remove the dough and set aside. Replace it with the other half of the dough, repeat.

Make sure both dough balls are in a well-oiled bowl, and have been turned so that there is oil on all surfaces of the dough.

In order to get my dough to rise quickly, I heated an oven to 200 degrees and then turned it off before I put the dough in. Then I covered the bowls with Saran Wrap and then a dishtowel, and popped them both in the warm oven to rise.

This is the best part. You wait an hour. In that hour, you have cocktails with your friends and practice your Sally O’Malley kicking and stretching.

After that hour, you punch the dough down and wait another 20 minutes or so for it to rise again.

Once the dough has been sufficiently waited upon, you can take it out and make your pretzels. This is actually pretty fun too.

Divide your dough into pieces that are approximately 2 ounces apiece. It should make about 24 small pieces.

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Meanwhile, start about 6 cups of water to a low boil and shake in about 4 tablespoons of baking soda.

Roll the dough into strips about a foot and a half long, and then twist them into shapes. I prefer the traditional pretzel shape, wherein you pull the ends up in a horseshoe shape, twist them around one another once, and then fold back down to the bottom of the horseshoe.

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Prepare a baking sheet. I used Silpats but parchment paper will also work. Also, preheat the oven to 450 degrees.

Depending on the size of your water pan (we used a large saute pan with high sides), put three or four pretzels in at a time, 30 seconds on each side. Then remove them to a paper towel-lined plate to drain for just a minute before moving to the baking sheet.

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Sprinkle liberally with salt – of course pretzel salt is best but in its absence, kosher will do the job. Bake for about 12 minutes or until they’re a deep golden brown.

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This is much easier than it might seem!

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I served mine with a little jalapeno cheese sauce that really, you’d punch your grandma for the last bite.

2 Tablespoons butter
3 Tablespoons flour
2 cups of milk, maybe more
salt and pepper to taste
1 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 blocks of colby jack cheese, shredded
3 jalapenos, seeded and minced

Melt the butter in a large saucepan and then whisk in the flour. Slowly start adding milk until you have a sauce that is thick enough for a dip (not runny like soup). Then add the cheese, spices, and jalapenos, and cook over low heat until everything is melted. Add more milk if the cheese makes the dip too thick. Remember, it has to cling to a pretzel, so thick is a good thing.

Even the crankiest football curmudgeon cannot help but crack a smile at the sight of a piping hot pretzel and some heart attack cheese. And he might even compliment you on your 38-year-old high kicks.