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NSFW: A bike tour of the Urban Dictionary

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I’m a huge fan of the Urban Dictionary.

Sometimes, I’ll be absolutely uplifted, utterly convinced there’s just too much good in the world. When I think life’s all rainbows and sweetness and light, I’ll point my Web browser to urbandictionary.com, and I’ll be exposed to such depravity I can’t help but think maybe the world’s not such a swell place after all.

UD doesn’t purport to be anything like thefreedictionary.com or any other reputable lexiconigraphical undertaking. Boasting at last glance 5,802,994 definitions since 1999, Urban Dictionary claims to be the “dictionary you wrote.”

If so, I can only assume you’re one sick fella.

I’d guess that close to 5,802,887 of the UD entries have something to do with, um, adult relationships, some describing acts so filthy I’ve felt compelled to wash my eyes out with soap.

This isn’t Funk and Wagnalls. It’s all Funk. Funk this and Funk that and Funking every which way.

I’m no prude, but some of the entries are so depraved, they make me wonder if maybe my understanding of humanity — not to mention anatomy — is way off. They make me wonder if consenting adults actually consent to such things.

And, of course, they don’t.

UD is largely like Penthouse letters (or so I’m told), where contributors try to one-up themselves on the no-way meter.

I reckon the most common visitors to UD are randy teenage boys who somehow found a way around the school-library firewall and middle-aged schlubs like me, who are still saddled with teen-boy sensibilities and who think the Urban Dictionary will help them keep their vernacular current.

I’m reminded of the father figure in the classic movie “Better Off Dead,” who consults a book on teen slang so he can bond with his troubled offspring. The dad — played by David Ogden Stiers, in one of his few roles after portraying Charles Emerson Winchester III on “MAS*H” — commits one blunder after another during a heartfelt talk with his son, concluding with “Right off!”

“On. Right on,” corrects the teen, played by a young John Cusack.

Bump it up your Netflix queue. Trust me.

Anyway … once you get past the ick, there’s actually some pretty funny stuff on Urban Dictionary. Kinda like the whole Internet.

I decided to see just what the UD had to say about bikes.

I counted 125 entries starting with “bike” or “biker,” though some of those are about motorcycles.

Some are funny, some profane (I know it when I see it). Some are foul, some clever.

I particularly like bike ninja — “Someone who is riding their bicycle in dark/low visibility conditions, without a headlight or taillight. So-called because they are invisible, like a ninja” — bike slut — “Overly-intense bike riders, usually middle aged adults” — and bikeleton — “The forlorn remains of a bicycle after it’s been picked apart on the street. Typically still chained to a post with a $300 U-Lock.”

My favorite is Bike Sherpa: “Someone capable of carrying a ridiculous amount of cargo while riding their bicycle, usually with a cigarette dangling from their mouths.”

There’s bikesploring and the related but more hardcore bikesploitation.

There are entries for people who are bike-curious and bikesexuals.

A bikeman is defined as a person who sells drugs from a bike. Unlike most dealers, however, “Bikemen are always an hour late to everything because they have to ride their bikes.”

There’s bikeoke — “Singing cheesy songs on your bike, preferably with your friends in a paceline” — and bikeochondriac — “Someone whom is always worried about the well being of their bike and constantly ‘feeling’ failure in the finest of parts.”

Some entries are clean but sound dirty — like bikegasm and bike porn — and some sound clean but really are dirty, like bike smile and bike ride.

I could only make it about halfway through the 125 before I felt the overwhelming urge to go take a shower.

But that’s the Urban Dictionary for you.

Right off!

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