Honey, if you're reading this ...

Posted by Andrew Hartsock November 20, 2009 at 8:24 a.m.

Man, I have the best wife in the world.

See, the other day, I bought a new-to-me bike.

I didn’t really need another bike. But, it was a bike I admired when it first came out, and I found a guy selling a gently used one for a song, and I convinced myself it would be the perfect back-up/bad-weather commuter.

So, I bought it, and as I was wheeling it into the garage, I actually considered putting it in the basement until I could come up with a cover story, er, um, until the timing was better to break the news to my lovely wife that our little family had grown.

Some guys hide their porn stash. Others, booze.

But ours is a relationship built on trust, so I parked my new ride with the rest of the family bikes, just feet from the driver’s-side window of my wise wife’s car.

And here’s where that awesome woman’s awesomeness comes in: She didn’t say a word! She didn’t grouse about how I didn’t need a new bike, didn’t complain that I was fiscally irresponsible. Not one word!

All along, I was prepared to justify my purchase.

I was going to explain how I’d put fenders on my new ride, and it would allow me to ride on those occasional days it’s too rainy or snowy for my usual fair-weather commuter.

Even at its pennies-on-the-dollar price, I’d have a hard time justifying it purely in financial terms.

But I was planning to explain to my generous wife — did I mention she’s a great mom, too? — how riding makes me a better husband and father. Generally, the more I ride, the happier I am. Plus, riding helps keep me healthy, which should keep me around longer, too.

And if that didn’t work, I was going to bring up that our anniversary is coming up — a week from today, even — and, well, the best gift she could get me would be to look the other way. Of course, she probably already got me something — she’s a wonderful, thoughtful gift-giver, by the way — months ago, but she’d get the message.

But my tremendous, exceptional, understanding, kind, precious wife made it so I didn’t need to explain my recent purchase.

Now that I think about it, though, I guess it’s possible she didn’t notice the fleet had grown by one. I mean, the garage is kind of crowded and all, and maybe I pushed the new ride a little farther into the mess than necessary, and possibly it wasn’t all that visible from her car seat after all, and it looks like maybe my son’s bike fell over onto my new steed, obscuring it just a bit.

So, dear, if in fact you didn’t see my new purchase, well, please refer to the first line of this blog. You really are the best.

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RoeDapple (anonymous) says…

Andrew might get lucky tonight....

or he might sleep in the garage.
November 20, 2009 at 8:31 a.m.
rdragon (M. Lindeman) says…

RoeDapple (Anonymous) says…

Andrew might get lucky tonight….

or he might sleep in the garage.

rdragon writes:
Depending on just how much that bike was I think will determine the sleeping arrangements. He has got the sucking up part down, will have to see if there was enough @ss kissing.
November 20, 2009 at 8:42 a.m.
ilovelucy (anonymous) says…

I have a friend who has 12, count em, 12 bikes. They're all in his kitchen. His significant other just smiles and tolerates it. Of course, she has a few too.
Hope you have a great anniversary!
November 20, 2009 at 9:04 a.m.
mom_of_three (anonymous) says…

My dad used to bring home horses (instead of bikes), and my step mom would just smile and look the other way. He would go to places, and auctions for his boss, and swear he wasn't gonna bring one home, but she was never surprised when he did. Course then he couldn't say a word when she took us kids shopping.
November 20, 2009 at 9:09 a.m.
monkey_c (anonymous) says…

There was definately some serious rear smooching going on! The aurthor speculates his wife may have already purchased him a token for their anniversary, has he done the same or was he too busy getting that bike? Just kidding! Have a good anniversary!
November 20, 2009 at 9:09 a.m.
jayhawkmama (anonymous) says…

This is especially funny since I pointed out to her the crazy amount of bikes in your garage yesterday. I don't know Andrew, first the TV, now this...
May she have mercy on you.
November 20, 2009 at 9:15 a.m.
consumer1 (anonymous) says…

Andrew, If I were you, I would stop on the way home tonitght and pick up a brand new tube of chapstick. Because those fancy bikes cost like a million dollars. So, get that chapstick and get all puckered up, you have got some serious A## kissing to do.
November 20, 2009 at 9:32 a.m.
coolmom (anonymous) says…

for my hubby its computers, computer parts and those cant live without other unidentifiable computer gadgets, but he is a good guy who doesnt smoke, or drink to excess and tells me he loves me. i think a good trade off.
November 20, 2009 at 9:46 a.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

Andrew you are a grown man and you can buy whatever you want to.
Are you her husband or her son?
November 20, 2009 at 9:49 a.m.
Phase (anonymous) says…

I once kept a Harley hidden from my wife for six months or so --- of course the blown back hair was a little hard to explain as was the wind burn on my face and the bugs in my teeth.

Oh yeah ---- I've got a different wife now, not sure if there is any connection or not.
November 20, 2009 at 10:06 a.m.
bevy (anonymous) says…

With my hubby it's baseball caps. How many can you possibly need? But they are (generally) fairly cheap. Though he has paid as much as $30.00 for one. Which I think is just CRAZY.
November 20, 2009 at 3:10 p.m.
nonsurly (anonymous) says…

nice story, but i have to ask. what kinda cycle did you snag?
November 20, 2009 at 4:14 p.m.
misplacedcheesehead (anonymous) says…

I don't think it's about whether or not Andrew is an adult or a kid. It's just that some people spend on stuff they don't need, to the detriment of their family's basic needs. No Andrew, I'm not saying this is you. My ex did this to extreme.

Now, back to the sweet things you have said to and about your wife. Good start, my man. If you think she hasn't discovered the bike yet, may I suggest roses? Lots and lots of roses? Perhaps you could arrange for an overnight babysitter this weekend? A hot bubble bath, a few candles, and you're gonna get it!
November 20, 2009 at 4:49 p.m.
blue73harley (anonymous) says…

LOL @ Phase.

I did the same thing many years ago. I worked second shift so I left before the wife came home. At night, I would coast the MC down the drive and into my workshop. Weeks later, when she was outside talking to a neighbor (aka witness!), I wheeled the bike out. "Where did THAT come from?" I replied that it followed me home.

I still have the wife and the Harley.
November 20, 2009 at 5:10 p.m.
Pywacket (anonymous) says…

blue~ You hit upon a time-honored truth about sneaky purchases--guilt amortizes. The longer you can get away with having the new purchase around before the SO discovers it, the more righteous you will feel when s/he finally notices it.

My friends and I do that all the time.

Husband, eyeing obviously expensive leather coat (bracelet, sewing machine, kitchen gadget, etc): Is than new?? What did that cost?

Wife, indignantly: No, it's not new! I've had it forever. [three weeks] Besides, it was on sale....
November 20, 2009 at 5:50 p.m.
ahartsock (Andrew Hartsock) says…

Monkey: Of course I got her something, and if I do say so myself, I did OK. And this was before I bought the bike, and I have the receipt to prove it.

jayhawkmama: Hey, not all of the bikes are mine. And of course she had mercy. Did I mention she's quite merciful? And lovely?

Irish: I have no response to that.

nonsurly: A single-speed cyclocross bike. A no-muss, no-fuss backup commuter that can go anywhere and do anything.

misplaced: Good thoughts, but I can't afford the roses right now.
November 20, 2009 at 7:41 p.m.