Hell on wheels

Posted by Andrew Hartsock July 13, 2009 at 8:44 a.m.

The other day, I got caught out in a surprising pop-up rainstorm on my way home.

The precip had tapered off by the time I rolled into the driveway, but a neighbor saw how wet I was and attempted a little dig.

“I’ll bet you wish you’d driven today,” he said.

“Not really,” I replied. “I just wish I had left work 20 minutes earlier.”

I’ve thought about that since, and try as I might, until this weekend I couldn’t think of a ride I’d regretted taking.

I’ve regretted bad decisions and stupid mistakes. I’ve regretted crashes and scrapes and nervous races under shelter to escape lightning arching across the sky. I’ve regretted turning right instead of left, regretted shortening planned long rides and lengthening planned short ones. I’ve regretted not bringing along more food, and I’ve regretted losing my last water bottle 30 miles from home in 90-plus-degree heat.

But regret a ride?

Until this weekend, I never got off the bike and thought, “Man, I wish I hadn’t just done that.”

That changed Saturday night/Sunday morning, when I invited my kids along to do the Lenexa Midnight Bike Ride.

I did the ride last year with my dad and had a grand time. Last year’s event started in Old Town Lenexa and drew more than 1,000 fans. The ride — about 12 miles — went along roads that were closed to cars and included a stretch in an underground storage facility.

Though it started at midnight, it had a family-friendly vibe. Hundreds of kids rode along with guys on spendy carbon-fiber road bikes. Although there were some “serious cyclists,” I’d say the vast majority of participants was average folks out for a spin.

I had so much fun, I decided I’d invite my kids back this year, and they jumped at the chance to stay up past midnight. My wife, a morning person, said she’d like to go, too.

For some reason, though, organizers decided to move the ride this year to Shawnee Mission Park.

It dawned on me late that meant the nature of the ride would change.

Part of the fun last year was that we were riding on well lit roads that were closed to cars. Though the park also would be closed, it’s dark. Really dark. Strike one.

We had to park in a field bumpy enough we probably wouldn’t have been able to drive across if we hadn’t brought my SUV, then had to walk our bikes half a mile over the same bumpy field — covered with tall grass — to the start line. In the dark. Strike two.

And then there was the course itself, a 4.5-mile loop around the lake. I’d been to the park dozens of times growing up, but never had ridden a bike through there. At the start, officials cautioned riders to go slow down the hills and warned that young children probably wouldn’t be able to climb back up the other side. Strike three.

My kids were in good spirits from the off (bless their hearts; we made ’em run/walk a 5K with us early Saturday morning in Eudora, too. What were we thinking?) and seemed to enjoy the novelty of riding among hundreds of other cyclists on roads lit only by handlebar lights.

Once we crossed the dam, however, and got our last glimpse of the lovely moonlit lake, the road turned up — and the trouble started.

The hill was steep enough folks were grinding to a halt and popping off their bikes to push, kids and adults alike. This went on for the rest of the ride — about two miles of pretty steep downhills and uphills, with nervous cyclists riding the brakes on the downs and tired riders jumping off mid-hill in front of other sometimes inexperienced cyclists with questionable bike-handling skills on the ups. In the dark.

Kids were separated from parents. Children cried. Adults called out to their missing offspring, who, without any ambient light, looked just like everybody else with a light strapped to the front of their bikes.

As my daughter and I waited for the rest of our family atop one hill, a weary adult resting across the way started hurling violently. The sounds of the vom bomb echoed off the woods, providing a stomach-turning soundtrack to the worst ride of my life.

My kids held up pretty well. We encouraged them up the hills, told them it was OK to push their bikes if they needed to, let them stop and rest as needed, yet they still hit the wall about a mile from the end.

We finally completed our first loop, trudged back over the same grassy field to the car, loaded up and headed home.

The kids were asleep long before we hit the highway.

I, meanwhile, fumed that organizers had turned a fun, family-friendly, unusual little jaunt into a horrific trail of tears and puke. They somehow managed to turn a ride I couldn’t wait to do again — and share with my whole family — into the first and only ride I wish I’d never taken in the first place.

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RoeDapple (anonymous) says…

Got caught in a hail storm on my first motorcycle in '66 about halfway to Lone Star Lake, no where to hide, just slowly advance on. No regrets either, but wouldn't seek out the experience again.
July 13, 2009 at 9:20 a.m.
Irish (Leslie Swearingen) says…

I would bet that your kids will never forget it, and never let you forget it.
I don't think you should beat yourself up over it. All in all it was probably a good experience for the kids, a chance to experience hanging in there despite the discomfort.
I do hope you are taking them all to the Harry Potter movie, and buying treats at the counter.
July 13, 2009 at 10:28 a.m.
backyardwino (anonymous) says…

how does it go . . . no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing choices . . . any word on them moving it back?

oh, waka . . . everybody believes you to be a bumbling idiot . . . carry on.
July 13, 2009 at 2:52 p.m.
patygrl (anonymous) says…

waka, where your born with that bug up your backside, or did you pay to have it implanted?
July 13, 2009 at 6:17 p.m.
RoeDapple (anonymous) says…

waka is back! His daddy is no longer posting for him!
July 14, 2009 at 4:27 a.m.
RoeDapple (anonymous) says…

or not..............
July 14, 2009 at 5:57 a.m.
bearded_gnome (anonymous) says…

whew! that was difficult to read!

"vom bomb" front of other sometimes inexperienced cyclists with questionable bike-handling skills on the ups. In the dark.

d--n Andrew! this was like indeed hell on wheels. you got it right.

glad you and your family are okay. how long 'till your wife talked to you again after that?
July 20, 2009 at 12:02 a.m.
ahartsock (Andrew Hartsock) says…

Irish: I'm not beating myself up. The kids actually were quite good about it, given the circumstances.

wino: No word yet on moving it back. I do know I've never been on an organized ride before where there was such universal dismay about the course. I don't think I heard anyone say anything good about it.

gnome: My wife, bless her heart, saved all her vitriol for event organizers, not me. Thank goodness.
July 20, 2009 at 12:10 a.m.