Remember that post I wrote a few weeks back in which I polled people on the most annoying things parents post on Facebook? One of responses was potty-training posts.

Well guess what?

I am one of those people. You know why? Because potty learning (that is the now the preferred term, I’ve been told) is equal parts hilarious and frustrating as all hell. Reaching out to a support system (a.k.a. Facebook) is sometimes the only way to retain your sanity.

HJ will be three years old in May and she is determined to wear diapers for the rest of her life. However, since it’s frowned upon to send a kindergartener to school in Huggies, we decided to start taking this whole process a lot more seriously lately. We’ve been gently encouraging toilet use for the past year. It went well the first two weeks and then crashed and burned since. We’ve desperately been searching for ideas that would work. So far, here’s what we’ve tried:

• Buy her really pretty or really special underwear and she won’t mess in them:
I bought her Bubble Guppies and Minnie Mouse undies. I talked them up, got super excited with her about wearing them, and made a grand production about the fact that she was wearing “Super Special Big Girl Panties.” Aaaaand she peed in them five minutes later. She was completely unfazed by the wet undies and I didn’t realize it until I stepped in the puddle in her bedroom.

• Start a sticker chart:
I got a piece of cardstock out, drew her name in some block letters that I mastered in my dance squad days, and excitedly explained that she’d get to put a new sticker on her name every time she used the potty. Well, that was cool for a day. The stickers lost their luster when she realized that they couldn’t be removed from the cardstock.

• Stage a lockdown:
I got this idea from Pinterest. It claimed “Potty Train your Child in just ONE day!” I should know better. Pinterest is full of lies. This one said to lock yourself in your house for a day or two, put the kid in underwear, wear an apron full of candy, and set a timer for every 30 minutes. You’re supposed to have the kid try to go when the timer goes off and reward them with candy. These constant visits to the potty gave HJ a complex and she refused to use the potty for weeks afterward. She was beyond over it. Thanks a lot, lying Pinterest mom.

• Tell her the potty is hungry and thirsty.
She didn’t care.

So that brings us to our current strategy:

• Bribery:
Yes. I know this is the frowned upon solution, but a combination of taking away all electronics and giving them back after potty trips with a piece of candy has shown a 50 percent success rate. The times it does not work are when HJ decides she just wants a piece of candy and yet does not need to use the potty. Instead, she has a meltdown.

Super awesome.

Now, I’ll need to finish this blog because HJ just peed on the fireplace brick ledge and the girls are playing in the puddle.

Please send wine.