For the inaugural post of Larryville Mom, I felt I needed to acknowledge and set straight the hugely hypocritical girl that used to be me before kids. By showing her to you all, I feel it will better set the tone for future posts here.

*Disclaimer: I get kind of self-righteous and stubborn about certain topics. This usually lasts for an undisclosed amount of time until I inevitably realize that I’m wrong and also a dummy. You’ve been warned.

As an example of such cluelessness on my part, here is a list of all of the things I swore on my life I’d never do when I had kids. Boy, was I stupid.

7. No messes on the floor at restaurants.
Ha! I worked in four restaurants while at KU and there was nothing I hated more than having a toddler throw half his meal on the floor for me to have to sweep up. Two kids later? I tip extra for the trouble and pick up the big pieces. If my two-year-old gets half of her food in her face, it’s a good friggin’ day.

6. No non-cute clothes.
Then, I had a baby, realized how much the cute clothes cost, how long they wear them, and saw the things they did to them. Play clothes may be second (or third or fourth) hand, but I will not sob into a pillow tonight because my toddler colored her shirt with a Sharpie that someone (note: her Dad) left out.

5. No fast food.
In a perfect parenting world, babies always get naps. We always have enough time to execute everything on our “To Do” list. And people are understanding in their planning of their own day to the fact that you have children. However, since that world is a joke, there are times when it’s ridiculously late, I have 20 more things to cross of that damn list and my children still need to be fed. That’s when those golden arches are a Godsend.

4. Breast-feeding always requires a cover.
After I spent a year nursing my first baby on toilets in public bathrooms, in hot cars, under that steamy, annoying tarp of a nursing cover, and in the back room of people’s houses, I decided that my baby’s comfort is more important than offending someone I don’t even know. Boobs were made for feeding babies. Period.

3. Leashes are for dogs, not toddlers.
This was true for me up until I had baby number two and immediately ran out of arms to wrangle two children when left alone. We haven’t bought one of those backpack leash thingies yet, but I really see the pros there.

2. No TV.
Yeah right. If I wanted to not get anything done ever, this could be a rule in our house.

1. My kids would never throw a tantrum in public.
Karma took care of this one at Dillons just a few weeks ago. I had a cart full of groceries and only half my list done on the ONLY day I had free to shop when a full-on meltdown came from kid #2. I became that parent. She had to cry it out while I finished shopping and checked out. EVERYONE in the store hated me.

To those of you there that day, I’m very sorry. I hope Karma is nicer to you than she was to me.

I’m sure this list will be never ending as my kids grow. They’re only two and three months old. I’ll be sure to update you all on the progress of the deterioration of my perceived expertise in child rearing.