It’s National Breastfeeding Month. I’m sure you’re already aware of it because every breastfeeder online is kind of shoving it down your throat about now.

I’m one of those people. I apologize.

I get really excited at the chance to talk about breastfeeding because I had a really hard time learning how to do it and very seriously considered giving up numerous times. It’s by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life. SERIOUSLY.

That being said, I am insanely glad I did/am doing it.

However, I recognize that this month is a giant guilt trip for those moms out there who tried their hardest to nurse their babies and for whatever reason, couldn’t. For that, I am very sorry. This month should not be a slap in the face to you ladies. You’re doing what’s right for your family and you’re awesome.

I may not speak for all of us breastfeeding hippies, but I’m going to be honest with you: There are so many times that I am jealous of your bottles. And your freedom. And your pretty, normal bras.

And also these reasons:

1. Your significant other probably doesn’t just shrug his or her shoulders and point to you when the baby is hungry. I firmly believe they should manufacture the man-boob from Meet the Fockers. I’m totally not kidding either.

2. People can come over to watch the baby and you can actually SLEEP. People offered to do this for me when both of my girls were born and it just made me laugh. Riiight. I’ll sleep for 1 1/2 hour increments when you have to come wake me up to feed the baby again. No, thanks. That’s the same as you not being here.

3. You don’t have to rush home to change your shirt when someone else’s child cries at the grocery store. Did you know this happens? Breastfeeding women often will experience “letdown” at the sound of a baby crying. Mother Nature was awesome in that she gave our breasts this trigger mechanism, however, I wish I could let her know that I don’t plan to feed the entire community.

4. You are able to have help feeding the baby in the middle of the night. My husband doesn’t even know when/if our girls wake up to eat. He gets long hours of uninterrupted sleep. After the previous nine months of discomfort CREATING A PERSON, I’m not bitter about this part at all.

5. It’s okay for you to have more than one beer with friends at a barbecue. I made this very terrible decision recently and had too many beverages one night when my husband and I had an overnight sitter. I paid for it for three days after my breast milk upset B’s stomach. Never again.

6. You will never have to milk yourself in a public bathroom. Obviously, this was a personal experience and it probably doesn’t happen to everyone, but it was mentally scarring nonetheless. You see, a few months after I had my first girl, I forgot to pump before going out to celebrate a friend’s birthday. Total rookie mistake. Three hours in to karaoke night, I was in pain and my boobs felt like they might explode. I had no pump to relieve the pressure so I had to resort to standing over a toilet and literally milking myself like a cow. It was equal parts embarrassing and fascinating to be perfectly honest. And something I never want to do again (I apologize to the childless guys out there for ruining boobs for you just now).

So yeah. I love breastfeeding my babes, but there are many times that I envy those with the rubber nipples.