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What requirements do you think Lawrence should have for hiring security guards?

Asked at Massachusetts Street on May 31, 2007

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Photo of John Cook

“A criminal screening of some kind to make sure they don’t have an extensive criminal history.”

Photo of Amanda Michel

“I think they should have a minimum weight limit, and the applicant shouldn’t have any felonies on their record.”

Photo of Brandon Parkinson

“I definitely think they should do a drug screen and a fairly extensive background check to make sure they don’t have any felonies or a history of violent crime. Maybe even a psychiatric evaluation.”

Photo of Brooke Outcalt

“Definitely a background check, drug testing, and it seems like they should have some kind of mental health evaluation to make sure they are in their right mind.”


Flap Doodle 10 years, 12 months ago

Those with narcissistic personality disorder (such as spam boy Nick Danger) are out.

beatrice 10 years, 12 months ago

That they be cops? Seriously, the city has a police department. Why would they also need security guards? Unless the question is about security guards for private businesses in Lawrence, and then they can hire who ever they want -- even super spammer Nick Danger.

paladin 10 years, 12 months ago

I think the minimum weight limit should be 300 lb., they should have a reality check, and be required to carry their bullet in their shirt pocket.

Crossfire 10 years, 12 months ago

A shaved head and a goatee. Big arms and 'roid rage. Own a gun and a night stick. A beer gut and a bubble butt. A three dollar black t-shirt, camo-cargo shorts and black socks. The best steel toed work boots Wal-Mart sells. On probation or in rehab...

trinity 10 years, 12 months ago

ummm, "minimum weight LIMIT"? what does this mean? you must weigh at least 90 pounds? no maximum weight limit?

arg. i needs me coffee.

samsnewplace 10 years, 12 months ago

Squeeky clean background. Psychiatric evaluation with no history of mental illness or medications to keep them mentally level. Pass a firearms qualification test. Minimum weight/height requirement so he/she can protect themself and the business/grounds they are watching over. Mandatory drug testing and random updates during their career as well as updated background checks yearly.

coolmom 10 years, 12 months ago

background check, drug test, training of some kind in firearms and dealing with people, cpr and first aide and some common sense.

sgtwolverine 10 years, 12 months ago

A top-10% SAT score. And the ability to leap buildings in a single-engine plane.

lmpaul 10 years, 12 months ago

Coolmom, you're right on with the requirements.

Grundoon Luna 10 years, 12 months ago

Glock, que'est que c'est, "moobs?" Man boobs?

acg 10 years, 12 months ago

They should be the same requirements necessary to become a police officer. Speaking of which, I've always wondered how it is that cops are allowed to be incredibly fat without it putting their jobs in jeapordy. I know they have to pass a physical exam at the start of their careers, but does it stop there? I know the cops I want protecting my family should be able to run two blocks without needing oxygen and a lot of the cops around here would not fit that bill.

sunflower_sue 10 years, 12 months ago

acg, I'm stuck on #56! If you can be of any help...just send me a line.

A security guard should be tall and very buff. He should wear well fitted Levi's and a tight black T-shirt. He should have a voice like honeyed whiskey. He, sorry. (I got caught up in an old fantasy there for a moment.) A security guard should not be afraid to tackle a shoplifter.

Grundoon Luna 10 years, 12 months ago

Oh, Sue, please continue. But wait, allow me: washboard abs and a behind you can bounce paper money off of. sigh

Grundoon Luna 10 years, 12 months ago

Why am I feeling like we're having a Joe Dirt moment here? Where's Mr. Ramirez? Then I can go, "You're talkin' to my man all wrong. You've got the wrong tone."

sunflower_sue 10 years, 12 months ago

militant, Any picture I had in my head of "my" security guard, you just killed with the Hooter's uniform! ACK!

acg, figured out #56. How long is this quiz, anyway? :$ Seriously, I have to go have a life now...any minute now!

sgtwolverine 10 years, 12 months ago

Sue, I first read your last sentence as, "A security guard should not be afraid to tackle a fellow shoplifter," and I got a good laugh out of that.

Flap Doodle 10 years, 12 months ago

Back in the Middle Triassic, I had a summer gig as a security guard at a chicken processing plant. We had an ancient Model 10 S&W revolver with only 5 rounds. There used to be 6 rounds but some years before I got hired on, one of the guards had an accidental discharge & the company wouldn't issue a replacement bullet.

acg 10 years, 12 months ago

I don't think it has an end sue, which may be why they call it the impossible quiz. It's still making me crazy and I'm getting nothing done at work. Thanks a lot! LOL

Bone777 10 years, 12 months ago

The police academy, a badge, and a car with a phoenix on the side...

beatrice 10 years, 12 months ago

The headline reads, "Arrest of "King of Spam' man makes little difference in spam volumes." Alas, it is not our "Nick Danger." He is, apparently, still at large.

Flap Doodle 10 years, 12 months ago

Pywacket, I tried to put the "accidental discharge" video up on youtube, but they told me it was too gruesome.

In Nick Danger news, a quote from

"Nick Danger Joined: 15 Sep 2006 Posts: 181 Location: The High Plains Reputation: 10.1 votes: 1 Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 8:56 pm Well, jerks at Spamkangaroocourt have run out of time so I am going to hit the registrar and the host with a "Cease and Desist" letter. We'll see if those boys wake up then! Thanks. Marion.

He walks again by night." Reprinted under "Fair Use"

jonas 10 years, 12 months ago

Man, Amanda is about as cute as Casey was yesterday! Are they searching out a cute girl quota for the OTS now, or what?

TheStig 10 years, 12 months ago

"I think they should have a minimum weight limit, and the applicant shouldn't have any felonies on their record." said Amanda coyly to the cub reporter. "Do you mind if I take your picture and get your name ... for the article I mean," he stammered unable to look her in the eye. "Sure", she purred.

As he fumbled with his Nikon and began to raise it, he realized he could only look at her directly through the lens of a camera. Her long brown hair tossed wistfully in the wind. His finger searches, finds, tenses, then firmly presses the button. Instantly the whir of the autofocus and then a shutter, She breaks into a smile as he presses it again and again and again.

Finally, embarrassed, he lowers the camera and is struck again by her beauty. His longing stares no longer protected by plastic and glass he can only look at her briefly afraid she will see the desire in his eyes. He scribbles her name and quote quickly in his notebook, mutters his thanks, turns and leaves. "She is hot" he says to himself as he pretends to look for someone else to approach. I'd never have a chance.

"He was kind of shy", she thinks to herself as she turns into the store pretending to shop. I wish I had said something more clever like, "A man with his own set of handcuffs can be my personal body guard and will always have the key to my heart," instead of that stuff about a weight limit and no felonies.

"I wonder what kind of group home supervisor and how I can get admitted," I think aloud to myself.

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