Lawrence-based psychologist — and New York Times bestselling author — Harriet Lerner has spent more than two decades studying apologies. In her newest book, “Why Won’t You Apologize?”, the relationship expert explores that very subject, examining both the healing power of a heartfelt apology as well as damage inflicted when we fail to say “I’m sorry” and truly mean it.

On Thursday, she’ll share what she’s learned in her “Apologize?” research, taking a break from a national media blitz in the process, during an appearance at the Lawrence Public Library, 707 Vermont St. The event, slated for 7 to 8:30 p.m., is free, and the Raven Book Store will be on hand selling copies of Lerner’s book for signings.

In the meantime, here’s a condensed and edited version of the Journal-World’s chat with Lerner on her motivations behind studying apologies, how gender plays a role in how we approach them and the role “sorry” plays in our relationships, good and bad.

What made you decide to write this book?

Well, we’re all imperfect and error-prone human beings, so the need to offer and receive apologies is with us until our very last breath. While a good apology is deeply healing, the absent or bad apology can compromise or even end a relationship. So, the courage to offer a heartfelt apology, and the wisdom to apologize wisely and well, is really an essential challenge for all of us.

Did you have a specific reader in mind?

I had every reader in mind. That’s not often the case, but I had every reader in mind, because we all unwittingly hurt others just as we are hurt by them. Apologies are important for all of us. There’s no one who’s really outside of this subject.

Your work has taken you across the country on book tours and speaking appearances, including a recent TED Talk. What have you learned about people — and specifically how they view apology, perhaps — during your travels?

This is my 12th book, and I’ve certainly learned that relationships are difficult for all of us, and that we’re all hard-wired for defensiveness and blaming. No one is immune. In terms of the subject of this book, it’s very challenging to give a good apology. It’s very challenging to care enough about the relationship, to have enough maturity to accept responsibility without a hint of evasion, excuse making or blaming — even when the other person’s feelings seem exaggerated.

I’ve really learned how difficult this topic is and how important it is, because in our relationships, one apology at a time shows others that we will listen, that we can reflect on our own behavior, that we’ll do our best to empathize and that we will set things right. And this is what the world needs more of in 2017. So, I just learn over and over, as well as in my own personal experience, how challenging it is to do the right thing rather than to wait for the other person to change first.

And of course that’s a recipe for relationship failure. If you want a recipe for relationship failure, just wait for the other person to change first.

Is it possible to change people? Is that even a good idea, to expect change in another person without them initiating it?

I’ve been in the process of change for a very long time. I’m certainly an expert in change. And I have never been able to change a person who doesn’t want to change. However, it is useful to expect change. It is useful to be able to reach for the other person’s competence and to expect more from them. But that’s very different than thinking that we can change someone and making that our project.

I often tell young women who are dating or thinking about choosing a life partner that you can’t count on the power of your love or your nagging to change someone or to bring about a quality or a trait that wasn’t there to begin with. So, it’s never a good project to try to change someone, but it is a good project to learn to expect people to be a better self.

It’s interesting that you brought up women, because I know that you’ve been called an expert on women’s psychology. How do men and women approach apology differently?

That’s a really interesting question. I would say that one risk for being prone to under-apologizing is being raised male, and one risk for being prone to over-apologizing is being raised female. Women of my generation were taught to feel apologetic for taking up the valuable oxygen in the room, and women have been raised to wrap guilt and inadequacy around themselves like an old, familiar blanket.

But then, if we move on from the realization that women are more vulnerable to over-apologizing and men to under-apologizing, I would say that humans are more alike than different.

Listening is not a very sexy subject. Both men and women are not very motivated to enhance their listening skills. We’re much more motivated to work on our talking skills, because we want to get through. We want the other person to really get it. Especially when someone’s really mad at us and they’re blasting us, it’s so difficult to put our defensiveness aside. If only our desire to understand the other person were as great as our desire to be understood, wouldn’t that be something? We would have a different world.

Speaking of defensiveness, many times in situations where someone has said or done something offensive, that person might offer what could be described as a non-apology apology: “It was just a joke” or “Don’t be so sensitive.” What do you make of that approach?

That’s a very good example of the ways we slip out of taking responsibility for hurting someone. And the listening part is so important because it’s not the words “I’m sorry” that heals the injury. The hurt party wants us to “really get it,” to validate and care about their feelings and to carry some of the pain that we’ve caused them to feel, and this requires wholehearted listening.

Obviously, there’s the question of what you’re apologizing for, because it’s one thing to spill red wine on your friend’s carpet. I mean, you immediately apologize and offer to pay the cleaning bill and tell her how sorry you are, and that’s a very easy kind of apology. But some of the injuries we inflict are not simple, and then we may really have to sit in the hot seat and listen to what the hurt party has to tell us.

One of the reasons that the heartfelt apology is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to another person is that it can allow the hurt party to feel safe and soothed in the relationship knowing that we care about their feelings, that we’re capable of taking responsibility of what we’ve said or done.

It’s a great gift to the other person, and it’s also a gift to our own self, because our level of maturity and integrity and self-respect rests squarely on our ability to see ourselves objectively and to take a clear-eyed look at the ways our behavior affects others and to assume unequivocal responsibility when we act at another person’s expense.