A recent audit showed that an eastern Kansas school district could save money by employing health aides instead of nurses, but the district's recent superintendent said nurses are worth the extra money because of the services they can provide.

Wes: A recent legislative post audit (Journal-World, Aug. 9, 2015) suggests another “innovative” solution for Kansas’ school budget woes: Replace school nurses with health aids. We’re known for these clever ideas, particularly among comedians and those who associate Kansas with Dorothy and Toto, or perhaps more correctly now, the Wicked Witch, the heartless Tin man, and the brainless Scarecrow.

This idea did get me thinking, particularly after several districts made a Dickensian march to Topeka, tin cups in hand, begging for “emergency” dollars. So, I launched my own post audit and came up with this list of positions I’d like to see put on deep discount:

• District superintendents. I’m recently home from New York where they have building superintendents who run apartment complexes. I propose firing all Kansas school superintendents, hiring building supers, and letting them live in the schools as part of their compensation package. That way we can fire the maintenance staff too because building supers know how to fix toilets and mop floors. They’re also experts at rent collection and are able to boost funding by shaking down families for needed cash. Average savings: $85,000 to $120,000 per district.
• Principals. I suggest professional clowns replace all building principals. Animal rights activists are killing the circus industry, leaving a lot of these folks out of work. That means a low price point per position. Since the Legislature thinks principals are just kidding when they say they can’t run their buildings on the current funding scheme, why not get some real funny people in there to make a mockery out of Kansas education? Average savings: $1.1 million per district per year.
• Teachers. The Chinese economy is in shambles. Since most everything else we buy now is made in China, why not give Chinese workers a break and hire them to replace Kansas teachers? Many already speak English, and for those who don’t, it won’t really matter because the Legislature understands that teachers don’t actually need to teach, they just need to be sure kids are proficient on standardized tests. I’m sure China can produce study guides for those tests just like they do instruction manuals for other products. Average savings: $18.9 million per district per year.
• Students. If we implement the above cost-cutting measures, we can replace most students with cardboard cutouts. I saw these life-sized images in Washington D.C. recently of people like President Obama and Sarah Palin. You can pose tourists next to them, the picture you take looks real, and it turns out to be a lot cheaper than paying the actual famous people to let you pose next to them. That same approach could cut per-pupil cost in Kansas from around $3,200 per year, to a single payment of $49.95 per student, if we buy in bulk. From China.

Double Take columnists Gabe Magee and Dr. Wes Crenshaw

Gabe: Before enacting Wes’ plan, remember that school nurses are more important than people may think. The common image is one of a professional whose only job is to administer Band-Aids and check for fevers. But a nurse’s job can range from developing individualized medical emergency plans for students to administering daily prescriptions. Nurses are licensed by the state to do these things. On the other hand, health-care aides only carry a few certifications, as CNAs or CMAs.

There are a lot of jobs that cannot be done by a health-care aide without a nurse’s supervision. They can give oral prescriptions and insulin shots, but only under a nurse’s supervision, as well as help with clerical work. But only nurses can administer intravenous prescription medicine, advise teachers, or create emergency plans for students with medical needs. Nurses might only be cut from schools without any students having medical problem, of which there are none.

Some of the auditors suggest splitting registered nurses between schools. This doesn’t really solve the problem. Even if they have health aides at every school to help out, those nurses are stretched too thin over too many students. In addition, the students are put at a greater risk by not having a licensed professional on campus full time. If an emergency happens, the response time will be unnecessarily prolonged.

School districts who want to cut nurses from their payroll may be enticed by the difference in pay between RNs and health aides, but they are blind to the extra price that lower tier of care will pose to children who need and deserve more.

–Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Gabe Magee is a Bishop Seabury Academy senior. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.