Dr. Wes and Gabe urge young adults in toxic family situations to seek wisdom from a 'spiritual parent,' build their image around them, and become, as they are, a light on the path to others.

Wes: An almost universal question among teen and young adult clients who have experienced family of origin abuse or neglect is whether they will grow up adversely affected, or worse, treat their kids the same way. Here’s my answer: Whether you come from a strong family or a destructive one, the whole point of adolescence is to differentiate — to say to your parents, “This is who I am. You are you. I am myself.” Unfortunately, dysfunctional families often stifle differentiation by essentially saying, “We are us and there is no you.”

Young people often feel a confused mix of longing for genuine closeness and revulsion at family mistreatment. Differentiation recognizes both. It doesn’t mean cutting off your family. It means standing on your own two feet, asserting your truth, and then taking that ability with you into all your future relationships. It means staying connected — if that’s physically and emotionally safe — without being pulled back into their dysfunction. No, it’s not easy, but it is doable and necessary to finally reach a peace about your life. I’ve seen it happen many times.

Double Take columnists Gabe Magee and Dr. Wes Crenshaw

Whether the experience was good or bad, your family of origin is just one part of your history, which gets smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror as you move on down the road of life. Each of us decides where to go next on that journey, and we cannot afford the luxury of blaming anyone else for where we might take ourselves. Family problems are an explanation for many upsetting problems in life, but they are not an excuse to keep living them out or replicating them in new relationships.

I tell young adults that they needn’t pattern their lives after an abusive parent. They can go looking for a “spiritual parent” — someone from daily life, or public service, or even in literature or history, who stood up for what’s right. I urge them to seek that person’s wisdom, build their image around them and become, as they are, a light on the path to others.

There’s no better example than Mr. Rogers, that sweater-wearing saint from many an adult’s childhood. In an interview shortly after 9/11, he said, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ If you look for the helpers, you’ll know there is hope.”

Gabe: My heart goes out to young people in truly horrible situations like these. I would not wish on anyone the difficulties they face in moving out and separating from a poisonous home life. To continue the metaphor of a rearview mirror, the best thing a young person can do is keep their eyes on the road ahead and drive forward.

Our journey beyond the doorframe of our home is a good first step toward differentiation, but we have to do more than leave to move along the road to a life closer to normal. We must each come to see ourselves as something other than an extension of our families.

A good thing to do is to realize where we are going — get out a map and chart the course to our next destination. Our accomplishments, not our families, make us uniquely us, and the best way to get there is to imagine them first as goals. Striving to reach them will redirect focus from our past and on to our future — and the better life we deserve. Gainful employment or higher education are the most common ways to do this, for good reason. You often can enrich yourself as a human being while improving your general quality of life.

Like them or not, our families are part of our history, and we have to build on what they gave us. If it was a positive experience, replicate it. If negative, recognize what not to do. We should all strive to make our world a better place for others than when we arrived here and not simply repeat cycles of family dysfunction. However we were raised, our past can serve as the gas to get us to our goals.

–Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Gabe Magee is a Bishop Seabury Academy senior. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.