Dear Dr. Wes & Kyra:

My son just finished his sophomore year in high school. He’s been having a rocky breakup from a girl he dated since last summer. They couldn’t seem to get apart for the longest time, went back and forth, and then finally she started dating another guy. My son is taking this really hard and some of the things he’s saying seem unusually bitter toward her and girls in general. I want him to realize he has his whole life ahead of him and this is just “one of those things” we all go through.

Dr. Wes Crenshaw and Kyra Haas

Dr. Wes: I can’t prove it with research, but clinically it seems that for many boys an early, serious relationship–like the ones I encourage over random hook ups–can be hazardous to their emotional health. Early breakups may even foster the problematic dating habits we see among late teen boys and young adult men.

Despite a cultural perception that boys are the dominant gender in the dating pool and girls are insecure in their body image and emerging sexuality, I find the opposite to be true. When it comes to these issues, boys (and many men) are less secure than girls, and what may pass for sexual confidence may instead be defensive narcissism (bravado) intended to protect fragile egos from insult. I think this comes from deeply embedded sociocultural learning that doesn’t reinforce boys for being as emotionally mature or socially competent as girls are expected to be almost by default. For parents, countering that hegemony takes a lot of energy. It’s typically a rather thankless task, at least in the short run.

Suggesting that your son has his whole life ahead of him sounds like great reframing, but he can’t really hear that right now in the depths of his despair. Better to argue that the relationship was very important, even with its dysfunctions, and that he can take what he’s learned and do better next time. In fact, he won’t really be over this huge first love until he’s successfully in another relationship or two. Rebounds are both greatly underrated in their contribution to post-breakup recovery and potentially destructive to all involved. So you want to encourage your guy to keep trying while maintaining an ethical stance.

Your worry about bitterness is legitimate. I see it all the time. Encourage your son to instead see loving someone as worth the inevitable pain and taking out any hostility over this breakup on future partners as a sign of weakness and immaturity. And never forget to treat the women in your life as you want him to treat those in his. In the end, modeling wins the day.

Kyra: After dating this girl for the past school year, your son is justified in his reaction to seeing her with someone else, even he seems bitter. Having been through a couple earth-shattered breakups myself, I’m familiar with accompanying feelings of resentment and anger.

Of course, not all girls are the same, just as not all guys are. Your son shouldn’t give up other meaningful relationships because of this one ended badly. However, instead of focusing solely on what lies ahead, encourage your son to deal with his present emotions so he can explore the future more effectively. Chances are, the breakup stems from faults on both sides, offering him a chance to reflect on and modify any problem behaviors or attitudes before dating someone else. He can also review what he looks for in a partner. Wes has a “four-square dating formula” on his media page at www.dr-wes.com and on our Facebook page. It just might help.

Your son has a right to express his emotions, but he should not get on Twitter or Facebook and open a can of misogyny on the Internet, as others have. Instead, suggest he try something from a study published in the journal “Social Psychological and Personality Science.” The authors found that talking into a voice recorder or writing about a difficult breakup and the resulting emotions helps people “get over” them and develop an clearer sense of self-concept–the degree to which you understand yourself as a person.

As Wes notes, your son needs to muster the courage to dive back into the dating pool and mingle with other fish in the sea. But only after an appropriate amount of private venting and reflection.

Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Kyra Haas is a Free State High School senior who blogs at justfreakinghaasome.wordpress.com. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.