Dr. Wes: Over the years, I’ve developed a robust method of selecting Double Take co-authors using seven judges, blind review of two essays, weighted scaling and interviews. The result: Year after year, readers in Lawrence and on our extended media get to read some of the strongest teen writers in the area discussing cutting-edge issues of interest to parents and teens alike.

We ended up with six finalists this year — five girls and one guy. Two came from LHS, three from Free State, and one from Bishop Seabury Academy. All but one were seniors. While we’ve always invited rising juniors, only Julia Davidson won as a sophomore, way back in 2007, when this year’s winner was in about fourth grade. It’s rare that a 16-year-old combines the maturity, wisdom, writing talent and journalistic experience to win.

This year, however, Kansas Gibler, a talented rising junior at Lawrence High School, came within 10 points (out of 300) of doing just that. Kyra and I were big fans of her work and we both encourage her to apply again next year. As a senior, she’ll be hard to beat. As runner-up, she’ll take over if the winner can’t complete the term. Her essay and the essays by the other finalists are below.

That winner is Gabe Magee of Bishop Seabury. He scored a close second on the first essay with a well reasoned, thoughtful answer that showed empathy for the letter writer’s situation. His second essay, which we’ll publish later in the year, was even better on a very difficult topic.

In response to the challenge question, Gabe wrote:

This is clearly a very complex situation for both you and your son. At its roots, pornography is objectifying towards both genders and portrays sex unrealistically. Thus, pornography viewed at a young age, in addition to being illegal, can stunt sexual growth, create warped views of sexuality and create an unhealthy addiction.

While you are definitely right to be troubled by what you saw in your son’s browsing history, it is important for you to remember that he is probably embarrassed by it, and you must advance delicately. Making him feel ashamed by his actions may cause further damage to his sexual growth.

I would recommend sitting your son down with any other guardians and calmly explaining that you discovered what types of websites he was browsing through. Stress that although you are not angry with him, you strongly disapprove of what he did. But it’s important to explain WHY what he did is troubling; otherwise he will have no reason to stop this behavior. Present the facts mentioned above as well as the reasoning behind them. Your son may be mature enough to understand that you care about his development as a young man. If so, tell him that his sexuality is an important part of his identity, and pornography is dangerous if it grabs a hold on him.

While you must make clear your disapproval, also make it clear that sexuality isn’t to be repressed. At this time in your son’s life, hormones are raging and frustration is high. For instance, masturbation is a completely normal act that many boys do during their adolescence. But exploring sexuality through excessive pornographic use is not healthy in any way.

For your son to understand your concern, you need to do three things. First, suspend him from internet use save for homework for an amount of time at your discretion. Second, move the computer to a more public location with visibility. Thirdly, discuss sex and sexuality and encourage him to come to you with any questions it at all.

The most important thing to remember is that openness and positivity can influence your son’s malleable sexuality in healthy ways.

–Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.

Hala Halmid

While it can be both shocking and disturbing to find porn on your son’s web browser history, it’s a very common thing. As teens, we are trying to find ourselves and that’s not always the easiest task. With today’s technology, pornographic material is easily accessible and almost unavoidable. According to a survey by CyberPsychology and Behavior, 93% of boys and 62% of girls have viewed internet porn before the age of 18.  Many parents avoid talking to their children about pornographic sites, thinking that if they don’t bring it up, their child won’t find out. Rather than shying away from it, it’s better to talk to your son and express any concerns you have.

It’s easy to understand your issue with your son discovering sexually explicit chat sites. You may think your son has ventured into a dangerous realm of the internet and there’s nothing you can do. Instead of scolding him for going on a website he shouldn’t be on, sit down and express your worries to him. Let him know he’s not in trouble and you just want what’s best for him. In the heat of the moment, it would make sense to let your disbelief turn to anger and it would seem like the most logical thing to do would be to punish him by taking his computer away. This, however, will not solve the problem as there are countless other ways he could access porn and it will only make him question why his actions are wrong. Instead, talk to him and sure he has a healthy view of sex and sexual desire and reassure him that his curiosity and feelings are totally normal.  

Even though you may feel baffled and upset, you must try to remember that now is the time for him to explore his developing sexual interests. While plenty of times, pornographic material is mostly harmless, you still should be cautious of a potential porn addiction that could evolve. Make sure you are cognizant of any drastic behavioral changes in your son. The most effective thing you can do is communicate with him and keep an open mind. More importantly, make sure he knows that you’ll be there to listen to anything he wants to talk to you about or any questions he may have.

Kansas Gibler

Thirteen is an age where most teens start taking notice of sexual urges, so I don’t find it surprising that your son has been involved in this activity. When I was in middle school at that age, most guys made it seem abnormal to NOT watch porn.

I do, however, understand your concern. Pornography these days is filled with highly explicit material that often depicts violence against women. Chat sites and apps, like Kik, typically have users anonymously sending explicit material with no trace of who sent it.

I would talk to him about the repercussions of his activity and about how his actions affect the way he sees the people around him, especially girls. I would not reveal to him that you have snooped in his browser history, as this will create a large amount of distrust and embarrassment on his part. Try not to accuse him or make him feel like he has done something wrong, as most kids his age are just curious.

In all, you should take a moment to reflect on how development is affected by the amount of media surrounding young people. His ability to rapidly go through porn websites will damage him in the long-run, so you should discuss that too.

Also, if you haven’t already, having a serious talk about sex could make him more open about his feelings and other sexual questions. Try talking about the changes he’s going through and about his relationships with his peers.

Perhaps planning activities with him or giving him more to do would keep him away from chat sites and porn websites, and would keep him from staying in his room so often. If he’s not at his computer alone, there won’t be as many opportunities for him to be involved with all of this sexually explicit content.

It’s good that you took early notice of his change in attitude and that he had closed himself off. Watching habitually can result in various long-term problems such as erectile dysfunction, depression and social isolation. If you fail to take action now, chances are his consumption of pornography will grow.

Libby Stanford

Porn is popular.  As much as parents like to believe their sons or daughters aren’t being subjected to that type of “entertainment,” it is a reality of teenage life. How parents handle this fact, however, is what matters.

According to a study on covenanteyes.com done in 2008, 93 percent of boys and 62 percent of girls are exposed to internet porn by the age of 18. Most adults aren’t aware of this. It is easy to ignore how accessible porn is on the internet. Teenage boys are no longer hiding their Playboy Magazines under the bed. With the click of a button any fantasy is immediately satisfied.

When a parent comes across these “dirty videos” on their child’s browser history, it can be shocking. Your pride and joy has a sex life, and it may not be evolving how you imagined.

A teenager watching porn is not the end of the world. All porn means is that your son or daughter is exploring their sexuality, which is healthy. All teens want, in this strange and confusing time, is to understand what is going on. Porn can help with that. It allows a person to discover what they like and what they don’t like. The confusion about sexuality is what leads to abusive and unhealthy relationships.

Where porn turns dangerous, however, is when the teenager is watching it too much. When your son or daughter is spending every night in their room, watching porn, they are missing out on the other possibilities life has to offer. It can be easy for one to avoid a real relationship and resort to porn instead. Porn does not require emotions, it is unlikely someone would ever experience a broken heart watching porn, and that is enough to deter a teenager from having a real human relationship.

It is necessary for parents to teach their children what a healthy relationship is. Even though it may be uncomfortable, parents should talk with their sons and daughters about sex. Parents should convey that sex is only alright if both parties involved want to do it. Instead of focusing on “shaming” teenagers away from porn, parents should be open with their children about what is healthy and what is dangerous.

Maame Britwum

Pornography is one of those societal norms that is completely forbidden to speaking about. A lot of people take part in it –in 2004 the Washington Post reported some 70 million people total, 11 million under 18, visit pornographic websites each week– but just about no one says anything about it. Porn is very prevalent in our society, but that doesn’t mean we should allow it. Pornography is a slippery slope in that, if watched enough times, can distort one’s views on intimacy and create unrealistic standards of beauty.

Watching adult films increases exposure to scenes and scenes of unique images. Excessive contact with images that are consistently new spikes the level of dopamine in brain, sending a feeling of motivation; psychologist call it the Coolidge Effect. Overtime a porn viewer gets so used to the constant exposure to something new that they can become addicted to pornography or even lose arousal after being intimate once with a single partner.

Porn affect the people around the viewer as well: it increases the prevalence of unrealistic beauty standards. Adult film stars’ bodies are often hypersexualized and enhanced to look like the “ideal” body. By exposing oneself to these images over and over again creates unrealistic expectations of what these people should look like, taking a very rare body shape and making it seem as if it is the norm, making the viewer expect to see a certain body image all the time.

I’m not telling you that your son is one video away from becoming a porn addict or that all he’ll be good for is objectifying women, but this could be a glimpse into his future. Many people don’t talk about the harmful effects of pornographic content because, well, it’s uncomfortable, but you have to end the cycle. Calmly let him know your stance on sexually explicit content. You should go into this conversation as even-tempered as possible because it’ll pretty much The Sex Talk 2.0, but your level-headedness will decrease any awkwardness.

Nadia Laytimi

As a girl in high school, to my disbelief, I have heard that it is quite common for teenage boys to view porn sites— out of curiosity or pleasure. In fact, according to the American Psychological Association, 40 percent of teens and preteens visit sexually explicit sites.

In your particular case, I believe you should approach your son with the intention of discussing his actions regarding his internet usage. Talking about his sexual curiosity is fine; however, more importantly, the use of chat sites and any other applications or websites that reveal personal information is incredibly dangerous, and therefore must be brought up. After all, he’s only thirteen and highly impressionable.

If your son is spending an unusual amount of time on the internet—to the point where it seems borderline unhealthy or crossing into the realm of addiction—consider setting up rules, for instance, when and how often he can be on the internet. If this fails, outside help, such as seeking a therapist, may be in order. If he can get the answers he needs by a reliable source he won’t feel compelled to go to the internet.

Keep in mind that when you bring up this inevitable topic, your child will likely feel embarrassed or angry; so, approach the conversation with a neutral and nonjudgmental standpoint, as to not shame your child. Consider that attacking your son over his actions could only do more harm than good.

Also, by admitting that you checked on his internet usage (which you have full right to do) he may be offended by this perceived breach of trust, and want to shut you out completely. So, no matter how difficult this conversation may be, make sure to keep lines of communication open in order to maintain a healthy relationship between you and your child.

I also highly suggest educating your child on the subject of pornography and make sure he knows why you are taking it so seriously. Explain how its eroticization, domination, coercion, and depictions of women, and humiliation in some cases, reinforce attitudes that condone sexual harassment, rape or sexism.