Dear Dr. Wes and Kyra:

My child isn’t even in middle school, and he is identifying as gay. I think I’m a pretty accepting parent, but this seems more like a fad or something my child heard on TV rather than something heartfelt. How should I respond?

Wes: I completely understand your befuddlement and concern, which was even more apparent in the longer version of this email. Though times are a-changing, most parents still aren’t prepared for a GBLTQ child in adolescence, let alone one coming out before puberty. However, many teens and young adults say they understand their sexual orientation — gay, straight, pansexual, etc. — well before they understand what it means. Many notice same-sex partners and are attracted to them in non-sexual ways, just as straight kids are.

Dr. Wes Crenshaw and Kyra Haas

It was the standard view for many years among the GBLTQ community that we are each born with a sexual and gender identity, and thus we should not be questioned about its authenticity. These attributes were programmed into us. Today, as the under-30 crowd changes the political and cultural landscape, more young people see sexual and gender identity as a choice, not a biological imperative. This is a bit upsetting to older (e.g., 25-plus) gay and lesbian folks, but for younger people authenticity lies in one’s self-perception and experience, not in the expression of a genetic command.

I resolve these different perspectives by understanding that all have won and all should have prizes. Those who feel “born this way” are no more or less valid than those who see themselves as pansexual or questioning. As but one example, a young graduate student who identifies as straight and has always dated guys recently shared without hesitation that a certain girl is her ultimate crush, that she has been in love with her since eighth grade, and that she would drop anyone and anything to marry that girl. Unfortunately, she noted, that girl likes guys. Or so she thinks.

Your son may be a great example of a biological imperative, and he’s just coming forward at this age as many other kids would have in previous times, if that were considered acceptable. Or he may simply be exploring his attractions at an early age with the ultimate answer yet to come. Regardless, Kyra offers some great ideas on how you can respond. I would add to her list the value of therapy in these cases, not to change anyone’s identity, but to help make the journey easier and more successful for your son — and for you.

Kyra: As adolescents, we convince and unconvinced ourselves of a great many things — sometimes in a matter of minutes. It can be difficult for us, and definitely those around us, to distinguish between what’s a passing fancy and what’s here to stay.

Regarding your child’s sexual identity, I can’t tell you whether or not it falls in the “here to stay” category. No one can. What’s important, however, is that you validate his feelings and opinions on the matter. In his mind, it probably doesn’t feel temporary, and telling him “it’s just a phase” or “you aren’t old enough to know what about [love, sex, identity]” will do more harm than good.

In fact, reacting negatively or disregarding your son’s assertion that he is gay may only push him to intensify that identity instead of try it on without external pressure to see if it fits. When teens and even preteens hear the word “no,” they gravitate toward the forbidden fruit. Fad or not, be supportive and available to help your child work through his feelings instead of discounting them.

By respecting his opinion and encouraging him to express it openly, you’re maintaining positive conversation and showing your son that you believe his thoughts matter and he has a right to have them. In the long run, that validation will prove itself in your relationship regardless of which sexual identity your child ends up with and the outcomes of any other stages he has during his teenage years.

On the air: Check out the podcast of yesterday’s Up to Date with Steve Kraske as Dr. Wes and Kyra discuss the selfieculture including positing of sexual images through social media. A link to the KCUR archive can be found at www.dr-wes.com.

— Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Kyra Haas is a Free State High School senior who blogs at justfreakinghaasome.wordpress.com. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.