Don’t let a minor dispute derail a yearlong, trusting relationship. Be the bigger person with a heartfelt apology, and bring the people you love up with you.

Dear Dr. Wes & Kyra: I’m 17. My mom loved my boyfriend for the whole year we’ve dated. She even invited him to go to Mexico with us, as long as he paid his expenses. He did pay his share, but only a couple days before we left. We had such a fun time there and my mom seemed okay, but when we got back she told my boyfriend off for “disrespecting her” by waiting so long to pay up. He stormed off, she got mad, and now she won’t let me see him except at school. We’ve spent every hour of the day together for the last year and I don’t know what to do!

Kyra: If this move is only strike one, then I don’t think your boyfriend should be sent back to the dugout just yet. However, it’s difficult to determine if this is his first offense. If your mom only mentioned the expenses once and didn’t tell him when he had to pay, her reaction is too extreme. But if she gave him a deadline and prodded him over an extended period of time, only to have him to blow her off until right before the trip, then her anger is justified.

Dr. Wes Crenshaw and Kyra Haas

Regardless, it would’ve been best to address the conflict before the trip. Taking someone on a vacation to Mexico only to return and shun him for being disrespectful in the past is misleading. Ask your mom if something else happened on the trip that upset her. She might be channeling anger about a different incident into something she can more easily verbalize. Keep your tone neutral and your motives easy to understand. Accusations and yelling will not resolve anything. Your goal is to get your mother to where she can admit she mishandled the matter and to get your boyfriend to apologize for whatever the problem actually is.

Don’t let a minor dispute derail a yearlong, trusting relationship. Be the bigger person and bring the people you love up with you.

Wes: After a year, it’s a wonder your mom and your boyfriend haven’t gotten into conflict before. Any kind of a relationship — family, dating, friendship — will fray a bit with time simply because people can’t coexist and not have a difference of opinion. On one hand, this could make things easier because they can really deal with the issue at hand and the kind of pent-up resentments Kyra wisely suspects. On the other hand, since they’ve no experience resolving conflict, each is now stonewalling the other. That’s never good.

Your mom did what we often recommend by inviting your boyfriend to join you on vacation. I’m about to leave on mine and I’ve planned it carefully so we can do everything we want to do. I hate last-minute surprises and I suspect your mom felt much the same way in the days leading up to the trip. Your boyfriend’s late payment stressed her out. Perhaps when he paid up, she set aside her frustration so you could have a nice time, only to let her anger creep up on her later. He didn’t see that coming and thus over-reacted.

Unfortunately, at this age, many boys aren’t good at getting themselves out of such situations and may instead dig themselves in deeper. I’m going to push what Kyra suggested a step further and suggest that you tell your boyfriend he needs to fall on his sword and apologize with no “ifs,” “ands,” and especially no “buts.” He needs to state that he was wrong, that he underestimated the impact it had on your mom’s stress level before the trip, that he did not realize at the time how he had disrespected her, but now he does, and that he won’t let it happen again.

Do not under any circumstances let him say that he’s “sorry she got upset” or that she “misunderstood.” That’s not a real apology. It’s an excuse, and it will send her through the roof.

If this guy is worth spending the last year with, he’ll can pull this off and learn something in the process. One is never more powerful then when he is able to show true remorse. Remind your boyfriend that being humble is not the same thing as being humiliated. That should help him manage his ego and do the right thing.

— Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Kyra Haas is a Free State High School senior who blogs at justfreakinghaasome.wordpress.com. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.