Opinion: Kochs to blame? In your dreams

I had a bad dream: The Koch brothers stole Christmas. They didn’t do it out of their legendary greed. They did it for the sheer joy of breaking the hearts of millions of innocent children. Christmas Eve was a nightmare for the little ones. Instead of Santa’s “Ho, ho, ho,” children awoke to the bone-chilling “Heh, heh, hehs” of the Koch Brothers, snickering as they sped about in their holly-festooned Lamborghini, plundering and pillaging the planet, terrifying young and old with their hideous laughter.

Somehow, they were able to wedge their bloated bodies down the chimney shafts. Once inside, they headed to the pantries and filled their gunny sacks with foodstuffs. David Koch devoured an entire standing rib roast in a single bite. Brother Charles made a Christmas goose disappear in the same fashion. Having momentarily sated their ravenous appetites, they gleefully skipped to living rooms, filled stockings with lumps of coal and swept up presents from under the Christmas tree. Their pockets were stuffed with members of Congress wearing price tags, indicating what the Koch brothers had paid to purchase them.

Suspicions have now been confirmed that the Koch brothers are responsible not just for some, but for almost all the problems and ills of the world. Name a disease, and chances are it was created in one of the Koch brother’s laboratories, where their scientists are busily producing high-priced drugs to cure the very same diseases. Vladmir Putin is on their payroll. It was acting on their orders that he invaded the Crimea. Then they flooded the earth with oil, shorted the Russian ruble and raked in piles of profit. Who’s the main sponsor of terrorism? The Koch brothers, of course. If the team you root for loses a game, it’s almost inevitable that the Koch brothers had placed big bets on the other team. Sometimes they act just to savor the heady elixir of power.

Global warming? Chalk that up to the Koch brothers. Their playbook is filled with sophisticated schemes to profit from the ruin of the planet, from rising ocean levels to invading deserts. They actually have secret plants whose only product is the manufacture of greenhouse gases. And guess what? Once they’ve capitalized on global warming disasters, they plan to unleash another ice age. Compared to the Koch brothers, the Grinch is a teddy bear, Scrooge another St. Francis of Assisi.

Sure, it was just a dream. But a dream that’s all too likely to come true. One way or another, the Koch brothers are going to eat your lunch. The only good thing is that there are only two of them out there who are determined to rule the world. “The Koch brothers…” All you need to do is pronounce those fatal words to silence any argument about what’s wrong with this country. The same words – Koch brothers! – can be evoked as a voodoo spell in the presence of evil. Isn’t it amazing that no one except these two rogues has ever even considered using money to influence elected officials? And isn’t it wonderful that the rest of humanity, rich and poor, have hearts of gold, wouldn’t hurt a flea, or take as much as the crumb of a cookie that belongs to someone else.