Dear Dr. Wes & Kyra:

My boyfriend and I were being intimate, and he blurted out that he loves me. I don’t know how to take it. I don’t think there’s any question between us that I love him a lot, but he’s never let our relationship get to that point. He only just started calling me his girlfriend after like, six months. I know you’re going to say, “talk to him,” but I don’t know how to do that and not scare him away from a big commitment.

Dr. Wes Crenshaw and Kyra Haas

Kyra: The weight of one’s words during intimacy might be comparable to those spoken while drunk. Perhaps your boyfriend meant he genuinely loves you. Perhaps that was just his way of vocalizing his enjoyment of the moment. But, if he hasn’t said, “I love you” while not in an altered state of mind, I question his sincerity.

Actions speak louder than words, and from your letter, a discrepancy between the two is present. Your boyfriend already appears to be shying away from commitment. His benefit from the relationship exists without jumping to the level of “I love you.” Or, in the words of the tired cliché, he’s getting the milk for free, so he doesn’t feel the need to buy the cow.

How you approach this situation comes down to what you want out of the relationship. If you feel fine carrying on without a greater verbal commitment, then I wouldn’t confront him about his moment of passion. But, if you want something stronger — which appears to be the case since you said you love him a lot — then you need to make a move.

You were right. I’m going to tell you to talk to him and DTR (define the relationship). Right now, your boyfriend knows you will stay with him and be intimate without dropping the “L word.” State your expectations, and if he’s not as dedicated as you are, decide whether you can accept being the weightier end of a lopsided scale.

Or, if you need me to be more blunt about it, ask yourself why you would want to be with someone who doesn’t love you back. And then, don’t settle.

Wes: Apparently Kyra has strong feelings about this. I wish other young women did. I’m not saying that every 13- to 30-year-old needs to agree that the only wise ticket to love is to interweave sexuality and emotion. I just wish they’d think it through and make an affirmative decision one way or the other before falling into the deep end of that pool, heart first.

Over 22 years of practice with teens and 10 years (this month!) writing Double Take, I’ve come to realize that some young people of all genders just aren’t built for committed relationships. Some will grow into them later on. Others won’t ever be ready to make that kind of pledge.

If you were actually one of those uncommitted types, or if your boyfriend clearly was, I’d ask society to step back and not get all judgy on you. There are many ways for people to relate to one another. For me, there’s nothing better than seeing a couple of any age out on the town, holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes as if they just met–only to reveal they’ve been together for many months or years. That kind of monogamy just makes my day, and it’s the root of Kyra’s proposal that you pursue such a relationship. But, not everyone views things that way, and we shouldn’t force fit people into any socially constructed box.

Giving love is the ultimate act of free will, just as sex should be. Sometimes one partner is dedicated to that kind of love and the other isn’t. I call this an asynchronous relationship. Take a hard look at you and your guy and decide if you’re way more motivated than he is. If so, you need to even things up or move on.

Saying “I love you” isn’t the issue here. Doing “I love you” is.

Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “I Always Want to Be Where I’m Not: Successful Living with ADD & ADHD.” Learn about his writing and practice at dr-wes.com. Kyra Haas is a Free State High School senior who blogs at justfreakinghaasome.wordpress.com. Send your confidential 200-word question to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.