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Archive for Monday, July 29, 2013

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Double Take: When saying ‘no’ doesn’t get message across

July 29, 2013

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Dear Dr. Wes & Katie: I am so mad at a guy I know and used to respect. We had a really minor thing in junior high. Nothing more than kissing. We now go to different high schools.

At the end the school year I saw him at a forensic tournament and he sat down by me and put his arm around me. I politely asked him not to. He wasn’t trying anything, but I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to be touched. He got offended and started doing it more and badgering me about what was wrong with ME that I didn’t want him to touch me.

I ended up in the bathroom crying. I know this wasn’t intended to be sexual, but that shouldn’t matter. I just felt like my “no” didn’t count for anything. I’m still upset about it.

Katie: Ah, the word “no.” Worth only two points in a game of Scrabble, it’s possibly our most undervalued dictionary entry. It also has the simplest definition: No means no. I refuse. I do not agree. Whether it’s a huge issue, like rape, or a comparatively small one, like an unwanted arm draped around one’s shoulders. Every individual has the right to set his or her own comfort zone.

Unfortunately, the whole concept of a comfort zone has become somewhat hazy to our generation, which, despite being born into the digital age, is turning out to be the most touchy-feely bunch of Homo sapiens ever.

Hugging and holding hands are no longer inherently romantic behaviors — they’re just ways in which many teens, regardless of gender, express friendly affection. Wes tells me that a future column will discuss the growing trend of non-dating couples sleeping together; literally just sleeping.

That relaxation of these social constraints seems pretty great, but it also poses problems, especially for those who have greater personal space needs. For them, all that friendliness comes off as awkward physical contact. The size of one’s bubble is a matter of individual preference and true friends are willing to respect each other’s comfort zones.

So, college freshmen, lay down clear boundaries on the first day you start sharing a closet-sized dorm room.

Unfortunately, people of all ages shy away from setting boundaries, fearing the reaction you received from Touchy Forensics Guy. From his perspective, putting his arm around you was an attempt to demonstrate that he felt comfortable with you. He misunderstood your “no” as a rejection of that rapport.

The best thing he could have done was to shake off his injured ego, apologize and start over. But he instead chose to defend his pride with a verbal attack, which indicates that you’re better off without his friendship, at least until he grows up a bit. His hurtful comments were based on his own insecurities, not yours.

Wes: Once upon a time in our society a principal function of teenage girls was to socialize teenage boys, meaning to teach them the proper way to interact not only with girls, but with society in general. That may seem like a quaint old cliche, even a bit sexist, but you just pointed out its practical value.

I hope this guy learned something that will change how he approaches people in the future. This kind of socialization is crucial in the world of human sexuality. Even though his gesture wasn’t overtly sexual, you comment that, “My ‘no’ didn’t count for anything,” indicates that it had the same metaphorical impact on you.

In that light, it might surprise readers to learn that the first thing you teach in a couple’s sex seminar or counseling session is how to say “no.” You want it to come out clearly, but in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. While you and this guy are never ever getting back together, that same principal holds true in friendship or acquaintanceship or any other relationship.

No is a sacred trust.

Of course, that trust goes both ways. You should never say “no” when you really mean “yes” and you just want to make the person work harder. That’s what “maybe” is for. And when someone says “no” to you, never presume they mean anything else.

Katie is right. This guy really should have pulled back (literally and figuratively) and offered you a sincere apology. He could have covered his bruised ego by simply adding, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’ve just missed seeing you. Won’t happen again.” That kind of respect would have made his friendship a lot more appealing than a ridiculous analysis of your personal life.

That brings us back to the issue of socialization. Girls have several names for annoying boys. The kinder ones rhyme with “Nick” and “Slooshwag.” It’s easy to throw up your hands and let them figure out life on their own. Yet, girls have always had a collective interest in making your generation of boys the best it can be, and every encounter you have with each other is a teachable moment.

Thanks for having the courage to stick up for yourself and other young women, and for telling us about it.

— Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP, is author of “Dear Dr. Wes: Real Life Advice for Teens” and “Real Life Advice for Parents of Teens.” Learn about his new practice Family Psychological Services at dr-wes.com. Katie Guyot is a Free State High School senior. Send your confidential 200-word question on adolescence and parenting to ask@dr-wes.com. Double Take opinions and advice are not a substitute for psychological services.

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