Archive for Monday, September 17, 2012


River City Jules: The dating app

September 17, 2012


We sat down together for dinner, my husband and I at opposite ends of our table with our children between us.

As my husband sliced through the steak I had marinated and grilled with love, he gazed across the table and asked, “What’s up with the eHarmony app?”

I looked at him and then back down at the beautiful spread on which I had slaved away for his nourishment and dining pleasure and wondered why, just exactly, he would think I was looking to take on another mouth to feed.

“What are you talking about?” I replied.

Suddenly I noticed our 11-year-old son shifting in his seat with a grin.

“That was me,” he confessed.

All heads turned to Luke, a self-proclaimed eternal bachelor who, as far as I can tell, has no plans to move out anytime soon or date anyone ever.

“Why did you download eHarmony’s app?” We all asked the obvious question in unison.

“It’s from the rewards program,” he explained. “I almost have enough for a $5 gift card!”

The kids had found an app that markets other apps for iDevices by automatically downloading a new app to your device every day. After a certain number of downloads, it sends a $5 Amazon gift card. No need to keep the app; nearly all of them are deleted as soon as they are loaded. But it seemed Luke wasn’t as quick on the draw at erasing eHarmony.

I considered for a moment how his profile might look, had eHarmony made the cut …

Name: Luke

Age: 11

Education: One month of sixth grade

Marital status: All I know about girls is they take an hour and a half to get ready in the morning

Ideal mate: Won’t cry about everything or make me go shopping

Siblings: Three sisters

Hobbies: Legos, skateboarding and downloading apps

Likes: Duct tape, video games and Adam Sandler movies

Dislikes: Vegetables, homework and dress shoes

Dream date: I would prepare us a box of mac and cheese, then shoot my Airsoft gun outside with my friends while you clean the kitchen. No kissing, but you can massage my feet. Just don’t plan on me showering first.

Where you see yourself in five years: In my parents’ basement, hopefully with a cellphone so I can text (not with girls)

Communication style: Pull my finger

What he lacks in an affinity for long walks, sunsets and good glass of red wine, though, he makes up for with heart, charm and an array of Pinewood Derby trophies. I look forward to meeting his match someday; I just hope he’s ready for her when she comes along.

— Julie Dunlap can be reached at


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