Letters to the Editor

Marriage threats

May 18, 2012

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To the editor:

So now there are 31 states that have banned same-sex marriage. Although I believe the motivation for such activities is discomfort with and hatred of gay and lesbian persons, motivation is usually attributed to the desire to preserve heterosexual marriage, which is apparently under threat from gay and lesbian persons who simply seek to have loving relationships.

Given my experience as a sex and marital therapist, I guess I would have to agree that heterosexual marriage is threatened. Fifty percent of them fail, and the remaining marriages are not all happy relationships. I would suggest a few other options to preserve heterosexual marriage. First, heterosexuals would not be allowed to marry until age 30, thereby increasing the probability that they would be mature enough to succeed in a long-term committed relationship. Second, before heterosexuals could get married they would have to take a monthlong workshop designed to lower the level of betrayal (read infidelity) that is so prevalent. Finally, I would urge legislation to disallow or make divorce virtually impossible, no matter how dysfunctional, unhappy or unfulfilling the marriage, thereby preserving same.

The threat from gays and lesbians are minimal in the face of other issues that appear to compromise heterosexual marriages. Gays and lesbians do not threaten heterosexual marriage, but heterosexuals surely do.

Comments

Richard Heckler 3 years ago

Heterosexual marriage is threatened by marriage so why marry if a couple is happy being with each other. Sometimes a marriage can spoil a great relationship.

Crazy_Larry 3 years ago

I think the real issue isn't marriage per se, but certain privileges granted only to those who are "married", i.e. hospital visitation, taxes, and insurance.

Richard Heckler 3 years ago

Heterosexual marriage is threatened by heterosexual marriage so why marry if a couple is happy being with each other. Sometimes a marriage can spoil a great relationship.

Steve Jacob 3 years ago

You lost me after the first paragraph. Marriage is a choice, and you can choose to divorce too.

jonas_opines 3 years ago

Srj: Adjust your sarcasm detector.

Kookamooka 3 years ago

Heterosexual marriage is threatened by men who want someone younger and hotter and are happy to leave their wives and families behind. Most marriages end with MALE (not female) Infidelity.

Evangelists have destroyed my faith in God and marriage. They can have their polluted institution of marriage. Maybe the government shouldn't give any benefits at all to married people, not perform civil services and leave all of that commitment stuff to the religious. Level the playing field, so to speak. If LBG community can't have a recognized marriage in the STATE, they NO ONE can.

tomatogrower 3 years ago

Not to mention that women are more forgiving and stronger than men.

Linda Endicott 3 years ago

If that's true (and I'm not convinced that it is), then there's one major reason for it...

Women have a tendency to put up with the crap for far longer than men would...

MapMadeMind 3 years ago

+1: my wife the divorce lawyer has said this many times

Steve Jacob 3 years ago

Men cheat because they can. Most women, not all, will still save the marriage. Even clergy will tell you to stay. That's what wrong. If men knew you cheat, you loss half your stuff, cheating will slow down.

Erin England 2 years, 12 months ago

I think none of these points of argument are valid as they are all matters of opinion and emotionally charged. Irrelevant, to say the least.

Fossick 3 years ago

"Maybe the government shouldn't give any benefits at all to married people, not perform civil services and leave all of that commitment stuff to the religious."

Fine by me. In fact, it just might be an idea whose time will come again:

Not until the 16th century did European states begin to require that marriages be performed under legal auspices. In part, this was an attempt to prevent unions between young adults whose parents opposed their match.

The American colonies officially required marriages to be registered, but until the mid-19th century, state supreme courts routinely ruled that public cohabitation was sufficient evidence of a valid marriage... (from a source) http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/26/opinion/26coontz.html?_r=1

Janis Pool 3 years ago

Kookamonga has a point. All citizens would be paying the taxes of a single vs married person and the government would be happy with that!

grammaddy 3 years ago

I wish our government would worry more about what goes on in the "boardrooms" of this country and less about what goes on in our "bedrooms".

Leslie Swearingen 3 years ago

True that, but take a gander at the articles that get the most comments.

Mixolydian 3 years ago

This person claims 50% of marriages fail and the remaining 50% are not happy marriages? So every heterosexual marriage is a failure, but somehow homosexual marriages are committed and loving? I have to call BS on this guy being a marriage and sex therapist, or at least a competent one.

SeaFox 3 years ago

I think he already made his level of competence clear with that comment about making divorces unobtainable "no matter how dysfunctional, unhappy or unfulfilling the marriage". Yeaaaah, that will certainly help lower instances of spousal abuse and improve the home lives of children in those families...

jonas_opines 3 years ago

I think you missed the point.

/hint: that wasn't a serious suggestion, but rather a satirical one. Kind of like feeding poor people by cooking their children

Matthew Herbert 3 years ago

if you managed to read through that entire letter and not realize it was sarcasm, I truly question your reading comprehension levels.

jafs 3 years ago

He didn't say that.

He said that of the remaining 50%, not "all" are happy marriages, which is undoubtedly true.

Katara 3 years ago

FTLTE:

"the remaining marriages are not all happy "

This does not mean that the remaining 50% are not happy but that, of the remaining 50%, not all of those are happy.

mom_of_three 3 years ago

what he is saying is what the rest of us have been saying all along. The only THREAT to heterosexual marriage is heterosexuals themselves. Gay marriage did not cause heteromarriage divorce or cheating or unhappy relationships. Gay marriage has nothing to do with the fact that heterosexual marriage is not always the institution that opponents to gay marriage want it to be. It has its flaws and mistakes and always has.

Cait McKnelly 3 years ago

I find it so funny that Mitt Romney comes out saying "marriage is 'one man one woman'" when his own grandfather had what? Seven wives? (Hmm wonder which one he came from.) Ever watch "Sister Wives"? Or "Big Love"? I guess it's not infidelity when you have four women to bounce through. By the way, fundamentalist Mormons don't practice polygamy, as such, but polygyny. Polyandry isn't the remotest part of it. The real truth is that almost no one in America practices true monogamy anymore. How many people on this very board can raise their hand and say they are still married to their first spouse? Of those that are still married to their first spouse, how many can say they haven't been unfaithful? That isn't monogamy. Serial monogamy, maybe, but not true "mate for life" monogamy. And the most religious among you are no exception. The dishonesty isn't with our politicians. It's with ourselves.

jafs 3 years ago

I raise my hand, having been married for 15 years to my first and only wife, and having been faithful to her.

Cait McKnelly 3 years ago

Good for you jafs! It's not easy and takes a tremendous amount of work. I commend you (and that's quite sincere).

jafs 3 years ago

Thanks :-)

It does take work, but it also helps to marry late, and find the right person.

Fossick 3 years ago

+1. 26 faithful years and counting, though I told my wife that at 50 we'd have to renegotiate so I could have more closet space. Not sure I have much leverage there, however.

jafs 3 years ago

:-)

Women just need more clothes, apparently.

verity 3 years ago

Oh, Fossick, not going to happen. Not if you want to stay happily married. I do congratulate you and your wife.

Leslie Swearingen 3 years ago

You two share the same closet? Seriously? You should call someone who does that kind of thing and have them put in a closet for you.

Patricia Davis 3 years ago

And jafs I have been faithfully married for 37 years. He still makes me laugh.

Cait McKnelly 3 years ago

Doing some digging, I found out it wasn't Romney's grandfather but great grandfather that was polygamous. On the other hand, I found out that Mitt's dad, George (who ran for President on the Republican ticket in 1968 and lost to Nixon in the primaries) was born in Chihuahua, Mexico. Wonder what the birthers would say to that? The lulz are just too much.

Katara 3 years ago

Both of his Mitt's father's parents were American citizens so it really wouldn't be much of a fuss.

John McCain, on the other hand, was born in Panama canal zone before the law was passed that allowed children born there to be considered citizens. He was grandfathered in.

asixbury 3 years ago

I am still happily married to my first and only husband. I warned him when we married that I wasn't going to divorce him, so he's stuck for life! Lucky him. :)

Cait McKnelly 3 years ago

Is that being said by the same people who said he was born in Kenya? (or is it Uganda? Or Senegal? Heck if I know.)

Fossick 3 years ago

You mean Obama's literary agent? http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/OTUS/born-kenya-obamas-literary-agent-misidentified-birthplace-1991/story?id=16372566

I'm going to laugh and laugh and laugh when it finally comes out that Obama himself is the source of the Kenya rumor, created to make it easier for him to sell books.

Erin England 2 years, 12 months ago

I think you'd be surprised at the amount of people who are successfully monogamous and wouldn't have it any other way.

Enlightenment 3 years ago

Preventing gay marriage is not only an injustice to gays, but also to the credibility of the US as being a free country. Since 2001, 10 countries currently allow same sex marriages, and it does not appear to have negatively impacted their society or disintegrated heterosexual marriages.

As I have asked before, can anyone provide a legitimate reason that is not based on religious/moral beliefs as to why gays should not marry?

To me, preventing gay marriage is just another distraction tactic used by the Republicans to rile up the "god fearing" conservatives that keep the Republicans in office. Similar to the abortion debate, the Republicans try to wave these moral issues in one hand to distract people from seeing what crazy self-serving legislature their other hand signs into law.

tomatogrower 3 years ago

Brownback has just been hiding in the closet and is afraid he'll have to come out and marry a guy now. That has to be the fear of these haters.

Armored_One 3 years ago

I'd pay to not only watch the ceremony, but the divorce as well... you can't script comedy that entertaining...

Leslie Swearingen 3 years ago

Oh, no! Think what their babies would look like! :-)

nomorebobsplease 3 years ago

tomatogrower - Brownback and Phelps? If nothing else they share that fear.

tbaker 3 years ago

The "threat" here is to the conventionally accepted use of a word - marriage.

If the homosexual community would be happy using another word besides "marriage" to describe what would otherwise be the exact same thing under the law, there would be a lot less objection to the practice.

Life is short. Love is hard to find. It that happens to come in the form of a member of the same sex, I say so be it. It's not my preference, but this is a personal choice and isn't anyone else's business. Fighting over the use of a word just causes more opposition to what the homosexuals want to do. They should wise up and pick another word, otherwise instead of getting married, they will fight about the word married.

You supposed to wait until you actually get married before you fight about it.

Matthew Herbert 3 years ago

I disagree with that completely - wasn't it Romney who said just last week that he opposes 'gay marriages, civil unions or whatever other title is attached to it"

With all do respect to those who feel differently than I do, lets be honest and open about this: Those who oppose gay marriage aren't REALLY opposing the idea because they want to protect this "institution of marriage". They are opposing it because they disagree with people being homosexual, and this is the safest (political) course of action to send that message.

hujiko 3 years ago

"Separate but Equal" is so 20th century.

Ragingbear 3 years ago

This lady is a marital therapist? This letter from her should be forwarded to a review board to see if she should still have a license with this type of trash spewing out of her.

Matthew Herbert 3 years ago

this "lady" is named Dennis. And is a guy. He's also a well known professor (possibly retired now?) from the University of Kansas, and in my personal experience, one hell of a good teacher.

grammaddy 3 years ago

Then maybe he should stick to teaching.

Matthew Herbert 3 years ago

the purpose of his letter to the editor is to teach....you just apparently aren't picking up on the lesson.

Leslie Swearingen 3 years ago

According to the Kansan he is retired, Dennis M. Dailey, retired professor of the school of social welfare, . Hey! What if the letter writer is really the Dennis who pushes the baby carriage, the "well dressed man"? Just happen to have the same name? He is pushing that carriage to advertize that he is a family counselor. Actually I think he is cool, he doesn't bother anyone, doesn't get into trouble, just does his own thing. Keep on keeping on carriage man.

Cait McKnelly 3 years ago

It's called "sarcasm" Bear. (At least I hope it is because if it's not this poor man needs a good therapist of his own.)

ghamon 3 years ago

Right on target tbaker. At last someone on this sight that I can agree with. I have never been able to understand why the gay community, after so much effort to gain acceptance for their lifestyle, now want to associate themslves as part of what the writer believes is a disfuntional institution by using the word "married" Saying that people who oppose gay marriage hate gay people is off the rail. I have worked with gay people over the years and find them to be hard working, detail oriented, on time, and fun to be around. What's not to like about that? Just be willing to accept another word for their union and the problem might just go away.

jafs 3 years ago

If and only if opponents of gay marriage would accept that any other term would convey the same legal rights and privileges as marriage, which is extremely unlikely.

Katara 3 years ago

Oh sure. Because separate but equal worked out so well...

triplegoddess13 3 years ago

If this poster is indeed being honest then these three 'options to preserve heterosexual marriage' would be in wonderful alignment with the Catholic church. Just throw in lack of birth control and we can elect a Pope of the United States. If it is indeed sarcasm the letter wasn't written very well to portray that.

Liberty275 3 years ago

You'd think a marriage and sex therapist could work in a little love for polygamy. If he charged by the head, he could make more money and help more people.

Or maybe he just draws his line of bigotry in a different part of the sandbox. Can't have those people doing naughty things you don't like.

jonas_opines 2 years, 12 months ago

"Or maybe he just draws his line of bigotry in a different part of the sandbox. Can't have those people doing naughty things you don't like."

I know that this is your current favorite axe to grind, but having met and taken Dr. Dailey's class, I don't think he would care at all if polygamy was allowed, as long as everyone within the relationship was well-adjusted and as happy as possible.

Just because Every statement made on gay marriage doesn't include some statement (perhaps in small fine print with a reference number) about the benefits or detriments of polygamy in kind, doesn't mean that its safe to assume that they are all for or against it. Just be honest. People talk about what people are talking about, and right now they're talking about this, and not that.

acg 2 years, 12 months ago

Why should gay people have to call their marriage something else? It's a marriage. They are stepping before God, friends, family and the court to say they are entering into a legal binding relationship. They are speaking the same vows that my husband and I spoke. It's a marriage!! If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

Charles L Bloss Jr 2 years, 12 months ago

I heard Dr. Daily speak at a singles group at a church in Topeka, many, many years ago. He really knows his stuff, and has helped a lot of people.

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