To the editor:
So now there are 31 states that have banned same-sex marriage. Although I believe the motivation for such activities is discomfort with and hatred of gay and lesbian persons, motivation is usually attributed to the desire to preserve heterosexual marriage, which is apparently under threat from gay and lesbian persons who simply seek to have loving relationships.
Given my experience as a sex and marital therapist, I guess I would have to agree that heterosexual marriage is threatened. Fifty percent of them fail, and the remaining marriages are not all happy relationships. I would suggest a few other options to preserve heterosexual marriage. First, heterosexuals would not be allowed to marry until age 30, thereby increasing the probability that they would be mature enough to succeed in a long-term committed relationship. Second, before heterosexuals could get married they would have to take a monthlong workshop designed to lower the level of betrayal (read infidelity) that is so prevalent. Finally, I would urge legislation to disallow or make divorce virtually impossible, no matter how dysfunctional, unhappy or unfulfilling the marriage, thereby preserving same.
The threat from gays and lesbians are minimal in the face of other issues that appear to compromise heterosexual marriages. Gays and lesbians do not threaten heterosexual marriage, but heterosexuals surely do.
Comments
merrill 1 year, 1 month ago
Heterosexual marriage is threatened by marriage so why marry if a couple is happy being with each other. Sometimes a marriage can spoil a great relationship.
Crazy_Larry 1 year, 1 month ago
I think the real issue isn't marriage per se, but certain privileges granted only to those who are "married", i.e. hospital visitation, taxes, and insurance.
Woody Woodpecker Laugh by heresybuster
merrill 1 year, 1 month ago
Heterosexual marriage is threatened by heterosexual marriage so why marry if a couple is happy being with each other. Sometimes a marriage can spoil a great relationship.
srj 1 year, 1 month ago
You lost me after the first paragraph. Marriage is a choice, and you can choose to divorce too.
jonas_opines 1 year, 1 month ago
Srj: Adjust your sarcasm detector.
vertigo 1 year, 1 month ago
Nice Logan's Run reference.
+1 internets for you
Kookamooka 1 year, 1 month ago
Heterosexual marriage is threatened by men who want someone younger and hotter and are happy to leave their wives and families behind. Most marriages end with MALE (not female) Infidelity.
Evangelists have destroyed my faith in God and marriage. They can have their polluted institution of marriage. Maybe the government shouldn't give any benefits at all to married people, not perform civil services and leave all of that commitment stuff to the religious. Level the playing field, so to speak. If LBG community can't have a recognized marriage in the STATE, they NO ONE can.
vertigo 1 year, 1 month ago
"Most marriages end with MALE (not female) Infidelity. "
On the contrary... while a higher percentage of infidelities are committed by men, there is a greater chance the marriage will end when the wife cheats.
Here's why- when women cheat they typically do so when they have already "checked out" on an emotional level in their marriage. When that occurs the chance of the marriage surviving is slim.
Whereas typically when a man cheats he's not doing it for emotional reasons, but rather physical ones.
tomatogrower 1 year, 1 month ago
Not to mention that women are more forgiving and stronger than men.
crazyks 1 year, 1 month ago
If that's true (and I'm not convinced that it is), then there's one major reason for it...
Women have a tendency to put up with the crap for far longer than men would...
MapMadeMind 1 year, 1 month ago
+1: my wife the divorce lawyer has said this many times
srj 1 year, 1 month ago
Men cheat because they can. Most women, not all, will still save the marriage. Even clergy will tell you to stay. That's what wrong. If men knew you cheat, you loss half your stuff, cheating will slow down.
Englande 1 year ago
I think none of these points of argument are valid as they are all matters of opinion and emotionally charged. Irrelevant, to say the least.
Fossick 1 year, 1 month ago
"Maybe the government shouldn't give any benefits at all to married people, not perform civil services and leave all of that commitment stuff to the religious."
Fine by me. In fact, it just might be an idea whose time will come again:
Not until the 16th century did European states begin to require that marriages be performed under legal auspices. In part, this was an attempt to prevent unions between young adults whose parents opposed their match.
The American colonies officially required marriages to be registered, but until the mid-19th century, state supreme courts routinely ruled that public cohabitation was sufficient evidence of a valid marriage... (from a source) http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/26/opinion/26coontz.html?_r=1
poolside 1 year, 1 month ago
Kookamonga has a point. All citizens would be paying the taxes of a single vs married person and the government would be happy with that!
grammaddy 1 year, 1 month ago
I wish our government would worry more about what goes on in the "boardrooms" of this country and less about what goes on in our "bedrooms".
jafs 1 year, 1 month ago
:-)
Frankie8 1 year, 1 month ago
True that, but take a gander at the articles that get the most comments.
Mixolydian 1 year, 1 month ago
This person claims 50% of marriages fail and the remaining 50% are not happy marriages? So every heterosexual marriage is a failure, but somehow homosexual marriages are committed and loving? I have to call BS on this guy being a marriage and sex therapist, or at least a competent one.
SeaFox 1 year, 1 month ago
I think he already made his level of competence clear with that comment about making divorces unobtainable "no matter how dysfunctional, unhappy or unfulfilling the marriage". Yeaaaah, that will certainly help lower instances of spousal abuse and improve the home lives of children in those families...
jonas_opines 1 year, 1 month ago
I think you missed the point.
/hint: that wasn't a serious suggestion, but rather a satirical one. Kind of like feeding poor people by cooking their children
Renaissance 1 year, 1 month ago
if you managed to read through that entire letter and not realize it was sarcasm, I truly question your reading comprehension levels.
jafs 1 year, 1 month ago
He didn't say that.
He said that of the remaining 50%, not "all" are happy marriages, which is undoubtedly true.
Enlightenment 1 year, 1 month ago
+1
Katara 1 year, 1 month ago
FTLTE:
"the remaining marriages are not all happy "
This does not mean that the remaining 50% are not happy but that, of the remaining 50%, not all of those are happy.
mom_of_three 1 year, 1 month ago
what he is saying is what the rest of us have been saying all along. The only THREAT to heterosexual marriage is heterosexuals themselves. Gay marriage did not cause heteromarriage divorce or cheating or unhappy relationships. Gay marriage has nothing to do with the fact that heterosexual marriage is not always the institution that opponents to gay marriage want it to be. It has its flaws and mistakes and always has.
friendlyjhawk 1 year, 1 month ago
So true!
Stayinpositive 1 year, 1 month ago
Well said
cait48 1 year, 1 month ago
I find it so funny that Mitt Romney comes out saying "marriage is 'one man one woman'" when his own grandfather had what? Seven wives? (Hmm wonder which one he came from.) Ever watch "Sister Wives"? Or "Big Love"? I guess it's not infidelity when you have four women to bounce through. By the way, fundamentalist Mormons don't practice polygamy, as such, but polygyny. Polyandry isn't the remotest part of it. The real truth is that almost no one in America practices true monogamy anymore. How many people on this very board can raise their hand and say they are still married to their first spouse? Of those that are still married to their first spouse, how many can say they haven't been unfaithful? That isn't monogamy. Serial monogamy, maybe, but not true "mate for life" monogamy. And the most religious among you are no exception. The dishonesty isn't with our politicians. It's with ourselves.
jafs 1 year, 1 month ago
I raise my hand, having been married for 15 years to my first and only wife, and having been faithful to her.
cait48 1 year, 1 month ago
Good for you jafs! It's not easy and takes a tremendous amount of work. I commend you (and that's quite sincere).
jafs 1 year, 1 month ago
Thanks :-)
It does take work, but it also helps to marry late, and find the right person.
Fossick 1 year, 1 month ago
+1. 26 faithful years and counting, though I told my wife that at 50 we'd have to renegotiate so I could have more closet space. Not sure I have much leverage there, however.
jafs 1 year, 1 month ago
:-)
Women just need more clothes, apparently.
verity 1 year, 1 month ago
Oh, Fossick, not going to happen. Not if you want to stay happily married. I do congratulate you and your wife.
Frankie8 1 year, 1 month ago
You two share the same closet? Seriously? You should call someone who does that kind of thing and have them put in a closet for you.
oxymoron 1 year, 1 month ago
And jafs I have been faithfully married for 37 years. He still makes me laugh.
jafs 1 year, 1 month ago
Great!
cait48 1 year, 1 month ago
Doing some digging, I found out it wasn't Romney's grandfather but great grandfather that was polygamous. On the other hand, I found out that Mitt's dad, George (who ran for President on the Republican ticket in 1968 and lost to Nixon in the primaries) was born in Chihuahua, Mexico. Wonder what the birthers would say to that? The lulz are just too much.
Katara 1 year, 1 month ago
Both of his Mitt's father's parents were American citizens so it really wouldn't be much of a fuss.
John McCain, on the other hand, was born in Panama canal zone before the law was passed that allowed children born there to be considered citizens. He was grandfathered in.
asixbury 1 year, 1 month ago
I am still happily married to my first and only husband. I warned him when we married that I wasn't going to divorce him, so he's stuck for life! Lucky him. :)
cait48 1 year, 1 month ago
Is that being said by the same people who said he was born in Kenya? (or is it Uganda? Or Senegal? Heck if I know.)
Fossick 1 year, 1 month ago
You mean Obama's literary agent? http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/OTUS/born-kenya-obamas-literary-agent-misidentified-birthplace-1991/story?id=16372566
I'm going to laugh and laugh and laugh when it finally comes out that Obama himself is the source of the Kenya rumor, created to make it easier for him to sell books.
Englande 1 year ago
I think you'd be surprised at the amount of people who are successfully monogamous and wouldn't have it any other way.
Enlightenment 1 year, 1 month ago
Preventing gay marriage is not only an injustice to gays, but also to the credibility of the US as being a free country. Since 2001, 10 countries currently allow same sex marriages, and it does not appear to have negatively impacted their society or disintegrated heterosexual marriages.
As I have asked before, can anyone provide a legitimate reason that is not based on religious/moral beliefs as to why gays should not marry?
To me, preventing gay marriage is just another distraction tactic used by the Republicans to rile up the "god fearing" conservatives that keep the Republicans in office. Similar to the abortion debate, the Republicans try to wave these moral issues in one hand to distract people from seeing what crazy self-serving legislature their other hand signs into law.
nanimwe 1 year, 1 month ago
Like
weiser 1 year, 1 month ago
Gays will get divorced at the same or higher rate. It already is happening in the states that allow it. So let them suffer like the rest of us, who cares?
tomatogrower 1 year, 1 month ago
Brownback has just been hiding in the closet and is afraid he'll have to come out and marry a guy now. That has to be the fear of these haters.
BlackVelvet 1 year, 1 month ago
Brownback + Phred Phelps!!!
Armored_One 1 year, 1 month ago
I'd pay to not only watch the ceremony, but the divorce as well... you can't script comedy that entertaining...
Frankie8 1 year, 1 month ago
Oh, no! Think what their babies would look like! :-)
none2 1 year, 1 month ago
What a bizarre comment. Dennis Dailey, the author of this Letter to the Editor, happens to teach sexuality, but he is NOT gay. You don't think he can point out the divorce rate either?
A 50% on anything is nothing to be proud of whether it is a grade on a report card or a divorce rate. It definitely doesn't make marriage sound sacred. So if you are going to condemn a whole different segment of society, then at least have the decency to clean up your own team's act first.
nomorebobsplease 1 year, 1 month ago
tomatogrower - Brownback and Phelps? If nothing else they share that fear.
tbaker 1 year, 1 month ago
The "threat" here is to the conventionally accepted use of a word - marriage.
If the homosexual community would be happy using another word besides "marriage" to describe what would otherwise be the exact same thing under the law, there would be a lot less objection to the practice.
Life is short. Love is hard to find. It that happens to come in the form of a member of the same sex, I say so be it. It's not my preference, but this is a personal choice and isn't anyone else's business. Fighting over the use of a word just causes more opposition to what the homosexuals want to do. They should wise up and pick another word, otherwise instead of getting married, they will fight about the word married.
You supposed to wait until you actually get married before you fight about it.
Renaissance 1 year, 1 month ago
I disagree with that completely - wasn't it Romney who said just last week that he opposes 'gay marriages, civil unions or whatever other title is attached to it"
With all do respect to those who feel differently than I do, lets be honest and open about this: Those who oppose gay marriage aren't REALLY opposing the idea because they want to protect this "institution of marriage". They are opposing it because they disagree with people being homosexual, and this is the safest (political) course of action to send that message.
hujiko 1 year, 1 month ago
"Separate but Equal" is so 20th century.
Ragingbear 1 year, 1 month ago
This lady is a marital therapist? This letter from her should be forwarded to a review board to see if she should still have a license with this type of trash spewing out of her.
Renaissance 1 year, 1 month ago
this "lady" is named Dennis. And is a guy. He's also a well known professor (possibly retired now?) from the University of Kansas, and in my personal experience, one hell of a good teacher.
grammaddy 1 year, 1 month ago
Then maybe he should stick to teaching.
Renaissance 1 year, 1 month ago
the purpose of his letter to the editor is to teach....you just apparently aren't picking up on the lesson.
Liberty275 1 year, 1 month ago
Or being retired (possibly).
Frankie8 1 year ago
According to the Kansan he is retired,
cait48 1 year, 1 month ago
It's called "sarcasm" Bear. (At least I hope it is because if it's not this poor man needs a good therapist of his own.)
ghamon 1 year, 1 month ago
Right on target tbaker. At last someone on this sight that I can agree with. I have never been able to understand why the gay community, after so much effort to gain acceptance for their lifestyle, now want to associate themslves as part of what the writer believes is a disfuntional institution by using the word "married" Saying that people who oppose gay marriage hate gay people is off the rail. I have worked with gay people over the years and find them to be hard working, detail oriented, on time, and fun to be around. What's not to like about that? Just be willing to accept another word for their union and the problem might just go away.
jafs 1 year, 1 month ago
If and only if opponents of gay marriage would accept that any other term would convey the same legal rights and privileges as marriage, which is extremely unlikely.
Katara 1 year, 1 month ago
Oh sure. Because separate but equal worked out so well...
triplegoddess13 1 year, 1 month ago
If this poster is indeed being honest then these three 'options to preserve heterosexual marriage' would be in wonderful alignment with the Catholic church. Just throw in lack of birth control and we can elect a Pope of the United States. If it is indeed sarcasm the letter wasn't written very well to portray that.
Liberty275 1 year, 1 month ago
You'd think a marriage and sex therapist could work in a little love for polygamy. If he charged by the head, he could make more money and help more people.
Or maybe he just draws his line of bigotry in a different part of the sandbox. Can't have those people doing naughty things you don't like.
jonas_opines 1 year ago
"Or maybe he just draws his line of bigotry in a different part of the sandbox. Can't have those people doing naughty things you don't like."
I know that this is your current favorite axe to grind, but having met and taken Dr. Dailey's class, I don't think he would care at all if polygamy was allowed, as long as everyone within the relationship was well-adjusted and as happy as possible.
Just because Every statement made on gay marriage doesn't include some statement (perhaps in small fine print with a reference number) about the benefits or detriments of polygamy in kind, doesn't mean that its safe to assume that they are all for or against it. Just be honest. People talk about what people are talking about, and right now they're talking about this, and not that.
acg 1 year ago
Why should gay people have to call their marriage something else? It's a marriage. They are stepping before God, friends, family and the court to say they are entering into a legal binding relationship. They are speaking the same vows that my husband and I spoke. It's a marriage!! If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck....
Lynn731 1 year ago
I heard Dr. Daily speak at a singles group at a church in Topeka, many, many years ago. He really knows his stuff, and has helped a lot of people.
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