Mind Matters: Learn to overcome imprints made as a child

In our previous Mind Matters, Ed described the struggle he encountered as a young adult trying to make sense of the dichotomy between his father’s emotional and relational distance at home and the compassionate man described by his father’s co-workers at his funeral.

This experience had reinforced a sense of invisibility and a lack of value he had experienced in his relationship with his father. This became his emotional signature, imprinted in his emotional body in childhood and relived routinely as an adolescent, young adult and into adult life long after his father’s passing.

All of us are imprinted early on with an emotional signature that, as children, we absorb into our emotional body. Our emotional imprints are a mixture of both direct and indirect messages we receive and experiences we encounter. It is during the precious and tender first years of our lives, when we lack reasoning and physical capability, that we are unable to defend ourselves against these experiences. It remains that in order to gain true emotional freedom we must resolve these imprints as adults.

Life events, like the death of a loved one, accidents and other traumatic events, are hard enough to deal with as children; however, the imprints resulting from our parental relationships may be the most difficult to overcome and may even represent a greater trauma to our psyche because these are the ones that seem so personal.

John Bradshaw in his book, “Healing the Shame That Binds You,” suggests that the very first rejection may come as early as our birth when parents are overwhelmed by our life energy. As children, we look into our parents eyes for a reflection of us. We are seeking assurances about our viability, emotional life, safety, our greatness and more. Instead we may get a message of insecurity, anger, unhappiness, etc. We take these reflections to be about us — not about the messenger. We then spend the rest of our lives taking on everyone’s messages as if they are about us.

There are different paths that one can take to healing a crippling emotional imprint. Where you enter your journey depends a lot on what you may have done to date. Counseling, self-exploration through journaling and spiritual explorations are among the possible entries into the work.

A helpful book is “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you are ready, Michael Brown’s book “The Presence Process” is a pathway that we have recommended in past columns and for many of our clients over the years. Whatever method you choose, there are several things that you will need to understand and accomplish as you move towards emotional freedom.

• Recognize that your parents did the best they could. Their inadequacies were not about you. Sometimes it is helpful to see each of your parents as a child. Maybe pull out a picture of them as children. It will help you see that they, too, were conditioned by their experience. This will not diminish the pain of your experience; however, it will help give you the power to heal yourself.

• Be responsible for your feelings and your reactions. Let go of any victim mentality.

• Practice mindfulness. The most important skill that you can develop is the ability to stay in the moment. Our emotional imprints are housed in an unconscious or subconscious part of us and are environmentally triggered. If things seem a little melodramatic, it is probably because you are bringing in drama from the past. Most everything we experience in the moment is manageable through conscious, adult reasoning. If it really isn’t manageable, then you need a cop or a paramedic!

• Stop looking to others for acceptance. An experience of parental rejection leads to seeking attention and acceptance from others. This is not a healing approach — it serves only to mask the hurt which reveals itself again when the attention is withdrawn. Placing demands on others to meet the unmet needs of childhood will only lead to disappointment and relational struggles.

• Learn to mirror to yourself what it is you need. This can be done by actually talking to yourself in a mirror or journaling. Having a vocal or written conversation between your child self and adult self is a wonderful way to facilitate self acceptance and empathy. For many, it may be advisable to do this work with a therapist.

Next month we will discuss healthy ways to mirror to your children.